Nothing to see. Moving along

I've been wanting to try and write here for days. 

For whatever reason though I have not let myself.

 I know not why I do this. 

Prevent myself from doing what I know needs to be done. 

But that's what I do.

Not today though.

Today I'm winning the battle with my brain.

Even if only for today.

Even if only for this moment. 

Deep breath.

I guess the real thing that has been holding me back from writing is the fear of speaking my truth. Or maybe the fear of accepting my truth. Just between you and me there has been some pretty screwed up shit going down in this little old life of mine over the last three or so years. I thank the goddess each and every day that we have been able to hold it all together as well as what we have.

BUTTTTTT!!!!!!

OMFG!!!!!!

Wild subject change.

I just went and had a look at the preview for this post. I have no photos!!! Worse still I have no header on my blog. I mean sure I've been ignoring photos from photo bucket for weeks now telling my I need to carry out some urgent actions on my account, but, I was under, the obviously misguided, assumption, it only related to something else which I thought was of little to no importance. Clearly I was wrong.

Excuse me while I see what I can do.

Poor woe is me

It's late afternoon. The sun is well and truly on her descent for the day. I'm sitting on a chair in the garden trying to soak the last of her diminishing rays. The gentle breeze blowing by does not aid in my quest.

My eyes are red and burning. The residual sting of earlier tears lingering longer than I care for.

One dear customer left me with this today

I cried at work today.

On the checkouts.

While serving customers.

It took nearly four customers till I could pull myself together. I wasn't a complete blubbering mess but I know there was pain in my eyes that they could not help but to see.

My mind was doing the cruelest of things to me. It was so mean and hurtful, yet I know that in a bizarre twisted way it was meant with kindness and love.

Not that, that really makes it ok.

As much as I always hope for the best, I often prepare for the worst. A kind of safety net I guess. That's what was happening today.

I'm waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview from last week. It's still with the same company, just a different position and most definitely a promotion. I hate hearing myself say it, but if I'm brutally honest there is a part of me that thinks I deserve this. Actually brutal honesty is to admit that I think I should have just been offered the position.

So you see my quandary?

To not be given this will be devastating. I have worked hard and I know I am the right person for the job. To be told I'm not will be akin to being told I am useless. It's like I'm already mourning because my stupid head got sick of waiting for the outcome to be revealed. On the upside though at least I now feel like I might be able to cope with the direst of outcomes. Nothing could be worse than what I have put myself through today.

Monday morning ramble

I started writing this post about five minutes ago.

It began as a bit of a ramble about how this was the start of the last week of the school holidays and this made me both happy and sad. Blah blah blah.

Then I deleted it and checked my email. Seeing those little red notification icons on my apps drives me batty I must rid them instantaneously. Lucky for me I don't get a whole lot of emails so it is quite easy to stay on top of. This particular one was a weekly newsletter from a fellow blogger.

But now I am just starting to ramble (again)

It is not long after 8am and once again the house is filled with quiet as children catch up on sleep from excessive late nights. Which to me is one of the joys of school holidays. A chance to break free from routines and rules and just do whatever the hell we please.

I had hoped to use this time alone to transcribe the next chapter of my novel but I am too scared of making noise and waking the baby (who is actually a five year old). I have a groovy headset and program that means I can read the hard copy that I have out loud and my computer will magically type it out for me.

Unfortunately a month or so ago I did something to my back which has resulted in it being rather sore since then. Especially after sitting in front of the computer for more than five minutes. Which as you can imagine makes sitting down to write even more difficult than what I was already finding it.

All the sighs.

I feel like a bit of a fraud complaining about it because as always I think of all the other people out there with real problems and pain they have been battling with for much longer and harder than mine. I don't know why I always seem to think my issues are not as justified as everyone else's but I do.

More big sighs.

Anyways moving right along.

I feel I must apologise for the disjointedness of my writing at this point. Having been away from it for so long it feels like I don't know how to do it any more. I am constantly battling inside my own head that all the ideas and words I have are just not worth sharing. It is hard to ignore but trying I am. Fingers crossed that if I keep persevering before too long something of worth will come.

I hope you stick around and keep coming back till then.

joining in with Alicia 

Words fail me

At nearly two weeks between posts this feels somewhat like the longest hiatus my dear little blog has been on in quite some time. I wish that there was some super exciting reason for my absence but there is not. At all.

The fact of the matter is that I just haven't been able to find they words. Sure for some of it I haven't even been able to find the time to look for the words but I haven't looked all that hard because I have known they are just not there.

It is fair to say that it makes me pretty sad as well.

It is also fair to say I don't really know what to do about it all which is why I am here now slowly dribbling away in the hope that I may just be able to put an end to it all.

The problem I think, is comparison and self doubt. There are a lot great and amazing writers out there that are kicking all kinds of goals with their great posts. They are funny, hard hitting, inspiring, heart moving, well written posts that are everything I feel mine are not, and possibly never were.

Excuse me while I go and have a mini tantrum complete with foot stamping and screaming much like a two year old who was just told ice cream was not a breakfast option.

image found here thanks to J Miller

Right that feels better, now where was I?

Since beginning this post I have been privy to approximately 52 arguments between Teapot and Zany, made more coffee, helped Mother with a computer issue and seen to breakfast orders. Not to mention supervising the clean up operation of the half gallon of orange juice that was conveniently tipped all over the place by a child insisting they were capable of pouring their own drink.

No wonder I lost my train of thought.

Procrastination and whining at it's best

My Mum arrives this afternoon, which really  means the last thing I should be doing is sitting here trying to write. Which naturally just makes me want to write even more. There are still floors to mop, washing to fold and put away, beds to make, teenagers to convince to give up their bedroom for a bit. You know all the usual stuff.

Before I had the brilliant idea to write I had the even more ingenious idea to start a little blanket for the bird. Because, well, it is cold here and surely she must be feeling it as much as us. The fact that she keeps trying to crawl inside socks the girls so kindly leave laying all over the place is possibly testament to that.

Unfortunately though I when I walked away from my ball of wool to see to whatever child was having a problem five minutes ago the bird saw it as a prime opportunity to run off with my ball of wall. She deftly managed to drag it under the couch before I returned. I didn’t have the heart to pull it away from her.

After three months of not being on the road I guess life is well and truly settled into a new normality. I am still not exactly how much I like it. Not necessarily because we are here, I think I would feel the same regardless of where we are. It is just the whole being stopped thing that I am not a fan of.

Sigh.

Oh so much sighing.

I have just discovered that my coffee cup is empty. 

Oh the tragedy!!!

In my current apathetic state of mind I feel completely unable to do anything about it as well. I may also have made a promise to myself that I the moment I leave the comfort and safety of my arm chair I will actually do something productive. A promise I really don’t want to break.

Back to sighing.

Thankful Thursday

Another Thursday is rolling round and rather than have my post already written, scheduled and live on the blog I am sitting on my couch wondering what it is I am going to be thankful for this week.

The possibilities are almost endless. It has been another rather lovely week here. Nothing overly spectacular but nothing overly awful either. Though there were are few awful moments, like when the car didn't pass it's registration inspection.

Sigh.

Thankfully though after forking out quite a few hundred dollars the mechanic was able to fix everything that was wrong and then pass it. Even more thankfully Mr Awesome's dad, who I guess could be referred to Mr Awesome Senior, kindly helped us with finding the necessary few hundred dollars.

Other good things to happen in the week include

• getting the hot water system and toilet fixed
• having plenty of crochet time
• some new watercolour pencils, though a good colouring book currently eludes me
• getting a top up on our broad band which means I can spend today continuing my How I Met Your Mother marathon
• Mr Awesome cleaning the kitchen last night so I can enjoy my marathon relatively guilt free
• scoring a blender, scales with a mixing bowl and an electric beater for $20
• getting electric blankets for our beds before winter proper arrives 

What about you?

An InLinkz Link-up

Rise and shine

Today has not got off to the start that I was anticipating for it. My silver lining attitude has been thrown into overdrive as I try to look for all the good in being out of bed on a Sunday morning as early as the sparrow farts. 

Not this morning's sunrise but a shot taken on another
morning I was out of bed when I thought bed was
were I wanted to be. You can read all about here.
I thought about that morning a lot this morning.

Well actually there were no sparrows farting, at least not any that I heard. Though I do wonder if you would ever actually hear a sparrow fart given they are such a small bird and all. 

There was however a beautiful songbird belting out a sweet tune. We are yet to confirm whether it is a magpie or a butcherbird but it is here every morning and I think most evenings. I saw it the first night we were here. Sitting on the street light outside our house looking into our garden. It made my heart swell and was another confirmation that this was all the right thing to do.

Mind you if my feathered friend wants to keep waking the girls up at such ridiculous times I am not sure I will be able to remain such a fan.

At least there is also coffee. Good coffee as well, from my fancy machine that I scored second hand for the bargain price of $15. 

 It is starting to feel like maybe this whole crack of dawn start to the day is not so bad after all. The children are quietly amused by the dreaded box leaving me to tap away on the keyboard and enjoy my coffee outside watching the sun rise over the fence. If it weren’t so crazily cold it would perfect really. Though I must keep reminding myself this is not crazy cold yet. For the locals this is mildly cool. Crazy cold is yet to come. Something this little tropical sun loving girl waits for with great trepidation.

I guess in many ways today is officially the last day of #ouradventureofalifetime. Tomorrow Mr Awesome starts his new job and the day after that the girls start their new schools. Well The Little Two do, Lovely has an interview with her school and will hopefully start on Wednesday. And me, well still not sure what is in store for this little black duck.

Ideally I would like to remain in the lifestyle of which I have been accustomed to for so many years. Being a stay at home mum really is the greatest occupation ever. Only the wages down here are ridiculously lower than what they were back in Darwin. Which I guess is only to be expected when every thing else is so much cheaper. Only there will not be enough for us to save for our next leg of adventuring so employment is on my horizon. Especially given that Teapot is going into full time school.

Sigh.

My mind boggles at the fact that she will not be with me all day every day any more. 

She is slightly nervous about the whole thing and really who can blame her. For five years she has safely been by my side and now I am just throwing her out into the unknown. Well not the complete unknown because she did watch her two big sisters go off to school every day but all of that seems like such a long time ago now.

Deep down I think I know she will be fine. 

Doing nothing does get boring

Sitting around doing nothing is not nearly as easy as it sounds. It is fair to say that it is driving us batty. Well perhaps not the Little Two as they are oblivious to the worries of adulthood and are able to just play on. Literally. They really do play amazingly together and come up with the most interesting of imaginative play.

To break up the monotony of sitting around the farm waiting for our house to become available, which is still at least four days away, we headed over to our buddies’ house to look after their kids while Mum ran a few errands.

Life on a farm does have some appeal.
I don't think I will ever tire chatting with cuties.

It also gave me the opportunity to use her printer to get a few copies of our resumes printed. So far the whole applying for jobs online hasn’t worked out so great. Not that I am impatient or anything but surely after two days I should have heard something shouldn't I?

Sigh.

As we were getting ready to leave I got word via Facebook that I had scored another win in my beloved Bidding Wars group. A queen ensemble for $17 thankyouverymuch.

In the post the seller had inferred that she was rather keen for a quick pick up. Which I stupidly took as meaning the moment I had her address I should go round and pick it up. Imagine my surprise when we arrived there and no one was home. Who would have thought at the middle of a work day and she might not be home?

Sadly by the time she was home from work the weather was taking a turn for the worse and transporting a bed was not exactly practical. Pick up time was then arranged for Saturday which actually works out better because we don’t really have any where to store a bed.

Good coffee most definitely means a good Friday

It's Good Friday today. A day that has seen the Little Two and Mr A make very good friends with the couch and television. Excitement levels may have hit a new high when they realised that there was a Shaun the Sheep marathon on. Personally Shaun and his buddies do little for me. I need dialogue when I am watching television. Namely because when I am watching television I am actually doing something else and merely just listening to the dreaded box. A show without words is no good to a listener.

For me the day has pretty much involved sitting in front of the laptop. Firstly helping Mr A get his resume to a point where he could send it off to prospective employers. Then creating my own and doing the same. Job searching is a hard nerve wracking pastime. I hope that the powers that be send us employment sooner rather than later.

Too much of the good life has me suddenly worrying that our funds are in too short a supply. I keep trying to trust that all will be okay but I would much rather have some firm confirmation for my beliefs.

Sigh.

Of course now I worry about every word I write here. Being a "Top Blogger" is one of my most long standing jobs. Though of course it is not really a job, much more of a hobby. I include it mainly to show that I have been doing something in recent years, not just sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Not that being a mother is really sitting around twiddling my thumbs but since it is not paid employment either I wonder how I can make myself sound employable.

Double sigh.

On the up side it does feel nice to be writing again. With #ouradventureofalifetime coming to a temporary end life has been beyond hectic. I have missed just randomly sharing my thoughts and feeling here.

Thankfully we have a house sorted. Sadly we are unable to move in for just over a week still. We have one bed, a fridge and washing machine sorted though so it feels like all the big stuff is taken care of. Most importantly though a coffee machine has been sorted.

Day 47

Tranquility and peace surrounds. Lots of cuddles from everyone and lots of nothing to be done. Pure bliss. Sitting out overlooking the ocean I couldn’t help but feel like we were on the edge of the world. Or at very least the edge of Australia. Which was weird because obviously any coastline is the edge of the country but never before had I felt it so obviously.

There was just something about the rugged red rocks of James Price Point that made me feel like I was standing on the very edge of something incredibly special.

After coffee and breakfast the girls took me down the cliffs to show me the areas they had exploded before I arrived. Walking along with the soft sand between my toes and gentle breeze blowing in my face I felt all my worries of the previous week blow off into the water and washed forever away in the ways.

Life felt good. Actually even better than good. Near on perfect in fact.

Before long however it was like I had never been away and the constant demand for food slowly began to wear me down. As was the never getting a minute to myself. Thankfully my time away had given me the opportunity to recharge my patience and understanding jars.

Watching the sun set into the water was pretty much the perfect end to a perfect day in paradise.

I Hate The World Today

I mean I have no real reason to, but I still can’t get the words out of my head. As I sit here sipping champagne and nibbling on caviar wrapped in smoked salmon it doesn’t seem right for the words I hate the world today, to be swirling around inside me, but they are.

Taking photos makes me stabby at the moment because it is

a horribly blatant reminder of the fact that I still

don't have a phone

Traditionally Melbourne Cup Day is a day I spend at my mum’s making small bets and watching the horses race. We have champagne and all kinds of lovely foods. It has been that way since I was thirteen. Well maybe not the champagne part since then but the rest of it. 

I can only recall one year in all that time we weren’t together.

It was way back last century. The year was 1999 but I like the idea of being able to use the term last century. It was an incredibly sucky year for me actually. I had been sent down to Alice Springs for work and knew not a soul. Actually I knew one couple but felt they currently hated my guts on account of being friends with the man who’s heart I had recently torn to shreds. That however is an entirely different story.

Anyway it was hot and I was lonely and life just felt incredibly crap. Not unlike today actually. Which is kinda weird just quietly. I can’t help but wonder if my mother has put some kind of curse on me. If I am not with her on Melbourne Cup Day I am destined to be to spend the day in a grouchy mood.

Mr Awesome even toyed with having the day off so I wouldn’t be alone today. Bless him. Given he only has fourteen more working days left though it just didn’t seem right. Besides the girls are constantly with me. I don’t even know what alone is anymore.

I was adamant that today would be a good day.

It was a chance to start the Melbourne Cup Day traditions with Lovely. Seeing she is thirteen and all.

We went to the shops bright and early this morning to get some treats for lunch. Frankfurts for the girls, smoked salmon and caviar for I. Plus a few little extras here and there. It was going beautifully until Lovely asked for a particular drink. There was already soft drink for her at home so I politely declined the request.

She sulked. Actually she huffed and she puffed and threatened to blow the house down. She told me she would ruin my day. I told her not to bother because that was already taken care of.

In the end the drink came home with us. She told me she didn’t want it any more because it meant I would be grumpy with her the whole day through. Just between you and me I may have felt like tipping the stupid drink over her head. I’m mature like that sometimes.

Tears rolled down my cheeks on the drive home.

For right or wrong I have always tried to make my mother happy. Yet my own daughter is the polar opposite. In fact sometimes I wonder if her life mission is to see how much angst she can cause within me. 

Upon arriving home I set about preparing lunch. Determined that a nice day would still be had. And for the most part I guess it was. There’s just this niggling thing. I can’t even put my finger on it properly I am just bugged. Or sad. Or fed up. Or perhaps just hot and bothered.

At it again. Grumbling that is.

This poor post has sat blank all day waiting for me to find the right words to fill it with. Even now I am not sure of what they are.

Essentially I am fighting the urge to complain.

Again.

It almost feels like every time I come here lately it is to complain in some shape or form. I never like to think of myself as a complainer. In fact the complete opposite. I generally like to take pride in my ability to find the silver lining, even on the darkest of cloudy days.

I crazily expected #ouradventureofalifetime to be nothing but rainbows and sunshine.

As if the moment we drove out of town we magically metamorphosed into a travelling kind of Brady bunch if you will. And while there is certainly no denying that there have been some incredibly spectacular moments where things have exceeded my expectations, there have also been a few quite surprising crapola moments as well.

We are currently back in Broome for a few days after having spent a wonderful week out of range on the Dampier Peninsular. It feels somewhat strange being around people again. A week of not interacting with anyone outside your immediate family will do that to you I guess.

The difference in the girls being around people is what gets me the most.

When there is not another soul to be seen or distraction to be had they are as nice as pie to one another. Sure there is the odd squabble here and there but on the whole they are full of understanding and patience for each other.

Introduce some people and electricity and suddenly it is like they are vying for the title of Queen of Bickering and Nastiness.

It seriously does my head in and makes me want to scream obscenities. Clearly mother of the year I am not.

As if that is not bad enough Mr Awesome has even less patience than I do for such behaviour and is constantly grumping and growling as well.

Sigh, sigh, sigh and double sigh.

I promise though when next we meet I will have a much happier tale to tell

Moments of life

Feeling all kinds of very special on account of my shiny new iPhone that Mr Awesome surprised me with the other day I just posted the above photo to my Instagram account. It was captioned with 

Yes I know how dodgy is it putting a photo of what I wrote in. I couldn't work out how to copy and paste the already written text and after what went down the first time I wrote it I was too scared to give it another go. Plus it's Wednesday so extra photos are encouraged. 

Seriously in the space of time it took me to get that up, which really wasn't very long, the littlest two went from playing happily to intense I hate you battle grounds to best friend sisters for ever in what felt like nano seconds. All before 8 am and a full cup of coffee. 

The most crazy part of all is that since then I have not done a stitch of crochet and my coffee is now gone. 

Sigh. The fun and games of being a mum. 

That is a photo of my belly yesterday. The  resemblance to a pregnant belly concerns me no end. I do not want any more babies. Ever. Never ever. 

There is no doubt in my mind that my baby caring days are well and truly over. There is not even the slightest hint of an interest in going through the joys of a newborn. Words and feelings that I never expected to say or feel. 

All three girls where practically dream babies. Looking back on their early years I have nothing but found picture perfect memories. It is only as they have gotten older I have challenged and inadequate as a mother. And that is why I just know my baby making days are over. 

The babies I have already, who while aren't babies anymore, need me more now than ever before. Especially the eldest. 

I remember when she was two, everyone warned me about how terrible it would be. I was adamant they were wrong. I was determined to buck the system and have the terrific twos. And we did. And it is with a similar attitude I want to approach the teenage years. 

I want the terrific teens just like we had the terrific twos. I know that it doesn't have to be the terrible teens any more than it had to be the terrible twos. Of course it it always easier said than done. 

But that doesn't mean it can't be done. 

Yay I am back on track!

Man oh man oh man!

Talk about chasing your tail.

Image found here

I guess it all really started this time last week. I had the most perfect post idea in my head but I just couldn't seem to get it out and nor could I get anything else out till this was done. Oh the drama of writer's block.

It is no secret that I am huge #IBOT fan. I just love blogging on a Tuesday (and let's face it who doesn't). Only being all prepared with scheduled post seems to have eluded me of late. And only made worse by the fact I decided to test myself with a little let's blog everyday challenge. Which in case you were wondering isn't exactly going to plan.

However thanks to some blog post cramming and back dating (I will spare you all the gory details, you're welcome) this post will now see me back on track and able to at least portray the perception I blogged every day for a while. 

Why this is important to me I do not know but it is. And one thing I have come to realise about this little old blog is that at the end of the day I do it all for me. So while most other bloggers are turning to the slow blogging movement I am here punching out post after post in the hope it will somehow make me a better writer. 

Practise makes perfect right?

Having said that though it has been a big morning at the office with these two little beauties already being published 

Top 5 Road Tripping Songs

I must confess it is not Sunday

leaving me somewhat drained of inspiration for this post. 

But that is ok because I feel all kinds of awesome for still being able to pretend I have written every day. The fact that I have shared my failings and back dating palaver means I am able to continue on because I have been all open and transparent. I am nothing if not honest. And perhaps just a little crazy.

So what about you? 

Any crazy new year's ideas you are trying to live up to or did you let it slide by the way side like I most possibly should have?

Do you blog on Tuesdays with Jess?

I must confess it is not really Sunday

Though you already know that because chances are you are reading this on a Monday. I say that chances are because as I write Sunday has been and gone and while the likelihood of a Sunday coming back is relatively high, Sunday January 12th 2014 will not be returning. That is the down side to most days, they are a never to be repeated offer, hence the importance of making the most of them.

Which I quite possibly didn't  do on particular day. Sunday 12th January was neither here nor there in terms of exciting events that you may or may not want to relive. The were the standard fun and games of parenting, a ridiculously early morning trip to the airport to deposit my mother and some couch napping. Nothing outstandingly brilliant to remember or forget. Just another day really.

Mind you the chances that you are reading this on a Monday have greatly changed as well. On account of it now being Tuesday and all but on I will go.

image from here

So what am I going on about I here you scream from the comforts of where ever it is you are reading this?

Well last year I set myself the task of seeing how many days in a row I could post for. In case you were wondering this is how long it lasted. Needless to say as this year rolled out I noticed a similar trend to last and thought I would give the whole let's see how long I can post for another go.

Being the footloose and fancy free girl that I am I didn't put much thought into it at first, I just tried to post every day. Only by day six I had realised that day five saw me post somewhere other than here so had I broken the rules and failed my task or could it still count because I did still post on one of my blogs?

As a prime excuse maker and rule bender I went with it was all still on. At not even a week in I didn't want to be walking away. I know that I have wonderful readers that don't mind if I don't post something every day but there is an internal part of me that wants to make sure I write every day and at this point in time my only motivation to write is if I know it is going to be posted somewhere.

Yes my ego apparently constantly needs stroking so what?

Anyways as you may have worked out by now I am falling even further behind in my desire to post every day. The first real missed day it was easy to justify back dating. However it is now on the verge of spiralling out of control. Which is why I am confessing this all with Kirsty today.

The prompt for this week was to confess your goals for this year. Which just quietly I may not have really done yet other than this whole let's see how long I can post daily for and we are all seeing how well that has turned out. I have been stuck on deciding the whole word for the year thing

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

On the upside at least this is all providing me with another opportunity to practice my let's-not-beat-myself-up mantra and I now have a post for Sunday and it is only Tuesday meaning I can still justify my back dating, don't ask me how, I just can.

What about you how are your new year goals and resolutions going?

I must confess I am not sure I have much to say

Well that is not exactly true.

I know I always have a lot to say, it is just sometimes it I might not know how to say it and I think that is where I am at today. But the opportunity to write presented itself, and I could not let it slip on by.

So here I am. Confessing to all manner of things as well as quite a bit of nothing.

There are a few ideas that have been rattling around my noggin regarding the new year, words and what I hope 2014 will bring for me. Only the way in which to share these with you is still evading me. Please bear with me as I work out how to get it all out. I must confess that the process will probably involve quite a few nothing posts while my brain sorts the rest out.

After being here for nearly two weeks, yesterday saw my sister and nephew return home, to the other side of the country. Heartbreaking to say the very least but at least it is only the other side of the country as opposed to the other side of the world. To help ease the heartache and loneliness that my mum knew she would feel she offered to have The Little Two for a sleep over last night.

Which was all kinds of bliss for me and Mr Awesome. We didn't do anything in particular. We pottered around the house finishing of the tidying up that just never seems to get done when the children a home, cooked dinner together and just chatted and enjoyed uninterrupted conversations.

There was no late night partying or all night drinking on account of Mr A having to go to work this morning. And the fact I was a bit excited about going for an early morning run. I must confess though the run turned out to be a fair bit of walking as my body let me know I had consumed more over the holiday period than I am willing to admit.

The main thing though was I got out there and gave it a go.

And boy did it feel awesome!

Even if I couldn't run as much as I once did, just moving amongst the fresh air did wonders. Plus noticing how much running ability I lost is just the motivation I need to get out there more often. I must confess there is something quite satisfying about being able to push my body so it hard it has to gasp to suck more air. I am currently floating around the house feeling all kinds of strong.

Ok so maybe I did have a little bit that I could work out I wanted to say, but that is all for now I am afraid folks. For more great confession posts head over to Ms Mystery Case who has stolen the confessions for today while Kirsty is away

Those rascally gremlins!!!

If you are a regular reader of A Parenting Life, you probably (hopefully) would have noticed that something on this little old blog seems to have gone a little awry over the last few days. If you are one of my lovely likers over on Facebook chances are you would have seen me having a bit of a whinge about the said frustrations I have been experiencing.

there is always hope at the end of a rainbow

For the most part I wasn't overly concerned I thought that somehow it would all just fix itself. You know on account of it breaking all by itself and all. Apparently though that is not quite how things work.

A very kind blogger had offered to have a squizz at it for me but I haven't had a chance to accept and let her in. And I liked to think that if I went looking for the problem I would be able to work it out. Tonight, many hours ago, I finally gave myself permission to have a look at it. 

Eventually I *think* I may have got a few steps closer to finding the answer. 

It appears as if the problem is linked to the InLinkz tool that I used in my Thankful Thursday post. Which is so so incredibly sucky because there were ten, yes 10!! awesome bloggers that joined in. I think that is nearly a record.

For now I have reverted that post to a draft. I am going to try and see if there is any way round it but who knows what that way may be. So in the meantime please bare with me and if you happen to be a Blogger whiz any suggestions?

The carols are a rockin' and I'm a bloggin'

Yes I am well aware of the fact that it is Christmas Eve and that the rest of the world is busy running around like a headless chook with no time to read idle blog posts but it is Tuesday and I really do like to blog so here I am. And yes I know that Essentially Jess said we shouldn't blog on Christmas Eve but there is so much I should be doing blogging seems to make the most sense right now.

image found here

Ideally the computer shouldn't even be on, but for a whole range of reasons it is. Everywhere I turn on social media I find people turning off and saying goodbye for a few days. Given some mediums are lucky to see me every few days at the best of times I haven't really worried about any down time. Which I guess is probably why the computer is on and I am here.

There are other reasons though. Like the fact that the computer is the only music playing device that can play Christmas carols. Given that it is Christmas Eve (and I love carols) I feel kind of compelled to listen to have a few belting out. We have even managed to find a few rather modern renditions with quite the techno beat behind them so it is not as painful on the ears as one might expect carols to be. 

The other reason that brought me to the computer is a bit secret squirrel for a friends birthday next week. Something I was meant to have done weeks ago MUST get done today. It just must, else I will be sent to the bad friend list forever and a day.

So the carols are a rocking' and I am a blogging, trying not to get overwhelmed by the three hundred and seventy five million things that still need to be done. Some within the hour as by then it will be time to collect my beautiful sister and nephew from the airport. So much excitement about being able to have them spend the big day with us.

I guess on that note I should go and get on with all that needs to be done. Or at least some of it. There will always be plenty of time later to share the many wonders inside my head at the moment.

For now I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, filled with lots of love and laughter and plenty of fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

Where the heck is 1992?

Yesterday while writing my first kiss post I had the overwhelming desire to rummage through boxes of storage and drag out my old diaries from days gone by. Though specifically the one pertaining to the events in 1992. As much as I feared entering the room due to the mountainous washing ranges I just had to see how I had described the kiss at that time.

With great fear and trepidation I boldly decided to go where clearly I had not been for quite some time. Over the mountain ranges of washing and into the top of the wardrobe where all my most prized possessions of memories are carefully tucked away.

Only as I started to go through the artefacts of days gone by I quickly realised that the book I so desired was no where to be seen. Which left me less than impressed I can tell you.

The year 1992 was memorable for oh so many things other than just my first kiss. There was also disco dancing and muscly swimming billets that came to stay for a week and somehow swept me of my feet. There was also heart ache and pain and some constant nagging from my mum. All of which I remember writing at the time and thinking one day I will need this.

Well hello, apparently that day is now and the blasted book is no where to be found!

It is nothing flash, just a standard exercise book of the era. Dark blue in colour, with a splash of pink on it somewhere I think. It really is all that is inside that matters. You see as much as I may have started it in 1992 I know there are entries from years much later in life as well. Years I may not be quite ready for everyone in the house to read just yet.

I know it must be here somewhere.

The hoarder that I am makes it almost impossible for me to part with anything, especially when it comes to words I have written. Given the importance of some of the events in life which have been documented in this exercise book come diary of a life time, I am guessing I must have already dragged it out to reminisce and in my ever so absent minded way just not put it back where it belongs.

Clearly this is part of the undeniable gold section
Love hearts from Miss 12 when she was 4
Bob was my dad.
What is really beautiful about this though is that it was
done one year and one day before she became a big sister

All is not lost though. (And rarely ever is)

I may not have found the wonders of 1992 and beyond but I did uncover some beauties from 2005.

For the most part this once rather nice leather bound, but now a bit mouldy corporate sponsored diary is awash with empty pages. There are however a few pages filled with the chicken scrawl that was my writing at the time. Some are utter crap while other bits are undeniable gold.

Flicking through it I was hit hard with the sense of some things never change. A thought that has actually been running around inside me for a while lately. Looking through this just made it feel a little lot stronger.

Aside from the cute drawings from a then Miss Four (now Miss 12) there were also lots of motivational quotes. Well I am guessing there were meant to be motivational quotes.

Sometimes the curve of the ball life throws you is very steep. 

It is always important to remember that everyone has their own 'best' and together that's what makes a team

Remember it is always important to love and smile

I particularly liked the page that had a list of weekend goals that went a little something like this

1. Have a clean house
2. Washing
3. Kitchen
4. Lounge Room
5. Outside
6. Bedroom
7. Bathroom
8. Exercise

There is then a line put through the entire list with the words CYCLONE - TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEK

Followed by countless blank pages until Pay Day arrives. I really am all kinds of awesome.

Do you still have old diaries? 

Are they as riveting as mine?

Joining in the fun and laughter of #IBOT with Essentially Jess. Also don't forget to pop back to A Parenting Life on Thursday for a bit of thankfulness.

Just writing

So the Mister has taken the two youngest to the pool for a swim and to burn off any excess energy that is lingering from a morning of not much. Giving me a few moments alone and unattended in the house. The house that is relatively together and not in desperate need of attention. For a change.

Photo found here

Sure the washing machine is beeping and the dishwasher waiting to be emptied and refilled, but they can all wait a little longer. The floors have been vacuumed and yesterday they were even mopped. The load in the machine is only pool towels, which signifies the washing is essentially under control. The pool towels only get washed when everything else is out the way.

All the indicators point to it being ok for me to be here.

The eldest has headed to the local shopping centre to wander around with a friend. Apparently as a twelve year old that is what you do these days.

I try to rewind my mind back to twelve but honestly it seems so long ago. So so long ago. 

I start to wonder if I ever was twelve?  Of course I must have been. It's not like I went from being eleven to being thirteen. Twelve had to have been in there.

It all seems so foggy and hazy. Such distant memories, tightly locked away, supposedly for safe keeping. I know I was twelve the first time I met the Mister. He made my heart stop and race all at once, even then. I might not have had much to do with boys at that stage but boy did I want to.

Working out the maths for how long ago I was twelve makes my mind want to explode because all I really want to do is write, not worry about what it is like having a twelve year old daughter and whether or not I am doing an ok job or not out at keeping her safe. And I must definitely do not want to work out how long ago I was twelve.Which is all totally ridiculous because I am only 35. 

I just want to write!!

Despite the quiet grumbles from my stomach I opt for spending time here rather than in the kitchen. Because that is how much I want to write. And there are no children here and there is no reason why I shouldn't just sit down and write.

It is after all day ten of Nanowrimo and I am yet spit out more than a few pages of handwritten scrawl. (Which I am certain is nothing but complete awesome because of the emotional throws I was experiencing at the time)

This year I seem to know more people than ever before giving it a go, Nanowrimo that is. It should inspire me to join their ranks and write away. Yet for some reason I am stumped. I can't seem to make the time to just sit and write. 

There just never seems to be enough hours in the day. If only day dreaming were not so time consuming. What with the desire to write, and read, or just create anything really combined with the all the other things that as a mother I am expected to do it so often feels like I never actually get anything done.

Though of course I do. It may not always be what I wanted to do, or even set out to do but things do inevitably get done. 

Much like this post. It may not be part of my Nano efforts but it is something, which is always better than nothing. Apparently.