Poor woe is me

It's late afternoon. The sun is well and truly on her descent for the day. I'm sitting on a chair in the garden trying to soak the last of her diminishing rays. The gentle breeze blowing by does not aid in my quest.

My eyes are red and burning. The residual sting of earlier tears lingering longer than I care for.

One dear customer left me with this today

I cried at work today.

On the checkouts.

While serving customers.

It took nearly four customers till I could pull myself together. I wasn't a complete blubbering mess but I know there was pain in my eyes that they could not help but to see.

My mind was doing the cruelest of things to me. It was so mean and hurtful, yet I know that in a bizarre twisted way it was meant with kindness and love.

Not that, that really makes it ok.

As much as I always hope for the best, I often prepare for the worst. A kind of safety net I guess. That's what was happening today.

I'm waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview from last week. It's still with the same company, just a different position and most definitely a promotion. I hate hearing myself say it, but if I'm brutally honest there is a part of me that thinks I deserve this. Actually brutal honesty is to admit that I think I should have just been offered the position.

So you see my quandary?

To not be given this will be devastating. I have worked hard and I know I am the right person for the job. To be told I'm not will be akin to being told I am useless. It's like I'm already mourning because my stupid head got sick of waiting for the outcome to be revealed. On the upside though at least I now feel like I might be able to cope with the direst of outcomes. Nothing could be worse than what I have put myself through today.

Dear Dad

It has been five years since we said goodbye. I could be all dramatic and say they were five hard long years but the reality is they have flown by in almost the blink of an eye. You always said life would go on without you and so it has.

There have been days when thoughts of you have not flitted through my mind. They may be few and far between but they have been there. Days when I haven’t felt like the pain in my heart might just break it into thousands of little pieces. 

None of those days have been recently though.

In fact these last six weeks have had you in my mind almost as much as the days that followed your departure.

Lately we have been to some truly beautiful parts of the country. Seen amazing bush landscapes that I just know you would have loved. In a few of them I swear I felt you right by my side.

But it has been more than just the landscape that has made me think of you. It has been this whole way of life. Living on the road, making do with as little as possible, the freedom of it all. No place to be or time to be there by. All of it, reminds me of you.

Then there are the other travellers. Particularly the men, that remind me of you. From the shoes and clothes that they wear to the colour of their greying hair. It all just makes me think of you. Especially the ones who have big bruises on their legs from their poor circulation and subsequent medication. Or the few that look like they have cataracts in their eyes. Weird I know but I just can’t help but notice all the similarities.

I don’t know why now, but the other day on our way home from a gorge my sense of loss at never seeing you again was so overwhelming silent tears began to roll down my cheeks. How I stopped myself from sobbing I know not. I think it was the thought of sharing my grief with the girls. 

The two oldest still miss you terribly as well. Lovely still holds it against me for not bringing her to say goodbye on that fateful day. Something for which I imagine I will be eternally sorry for. There was just no way I could have left you at the time. And really it was no place for her to be. Hopefully as the years pass by that will be something she can see.

As I typed this my eyes started to well. Though I promised myself I wouldn’t be too sad today. I know that is the last thing you would want. Anyway just before the tears started to roll this little fella flew in and started walking around my feet. Needless to say the tears were quickly wiped away and smile began to grow.

Oh dear daddy how I love you so xxx

On being disconnected

One of the things that I have liked most about #ouradventureofalifetime so far is the way it has made us so disconnected from the world at large. Though I must admit that this comes as no surprise to me. As even before we left it was something that I looked forward to.

For a while I worried about what this meant. Why did I desire so badly to be disconnected?

As a blogger, sharer and communicator a desire to be disconnected is probably not what you would expect from me. You know since I regularly try and get people to connect with my words and all...

I started to think that perhaps there was something wrong with me. Humans are not meant to want to be isolated and alone. We are community driven beings rather than islands. Apparently.

Today was a stark reminder as to why being disconnected was so appealing.

When you are disconnected you don't know about war torn countries or people displaced, pressured and murdered because of their religion or planes that crash or people that desperately wanted to be parents only to then abandoned the child they had paid for.

Or famous people that filled the world with laughter and then took their own life.

Being in a time zone that is hours behind most other places the news of this tragic event had filled my Facebook news feed before I had finished my morning coffee. It didn't seem real, though of course I knew it was. There were too many posts for it to be misinformation.

Our day had already been planned so before long we were on the the road and quickly out of mobile and internet range. With the excitement of a new road to drive on and places to discover this heartbreaking news soon left my mind.

No more thought paid to it until we returned. The beauty of being disconnected.

By the time my fellow bloggers had all found their voice and my newsfeed now filled with tales of depression and the need to break the taboo that surrounds this ghastly disease. A disease that no one, rich, famous, happy, poor or anything else in between is immune from.

It makes me sad to think there are so many unhappy and troubled people in the world. So many beings unable to live to their potential and crippled by a disease that so largely goes unseen. Somewhere along the line today I read that some three thousand people will take their life today.

As crowded as the world may be it does not need to lose that many people in that manner. In fact no one anywhere should lose someone in that manner.

When we were in Kununurra the other week the Black Dog Riders dropped in to stay the night. These guys do an amazing job at trying to create awareness of depression and suicide. I love that this is a project by men and primarily for men. You see I worry more about men's depression than women's.

Just about everyone everywhere talks about women and depression. And rightly so because it is a burning issue. But that does not mean men do not suffer either.

Tom Ronald The Monkey Dog

 It's a funny thing being a blogger. Especially one such as myself that for the most part shares whatever random thoughts just happens to be floating between my ears at any particular point in time.

Over time I have realised this place that I have created here at A Parenting Life is not the hub of parenting advice and knowledge that I originally envisaged it to be. Instead it is a candid reflection on my life. Which I am by no means complaining about. In fact quite the opposite. I love the fact that I have this collection of my thoughts to look back and reminisce on.

When something big happens in my life I immediately want to share it here. Generally I don't give it a second thought and share away. Taking comfort that the event is safely recorded. Recently, well on Friday actually, something big happened in our lives. As yet I haven't shared it because sadly it is a heartbreakingly sad thing and quite frankly I am a bit over myself whinging and carrying on about all my worries.

Only it just doesn't feel right not sharing it.

In fact it feels somewhat disrespectful to just omit and exclude our pain and sadness.

So sorry if you were hoping for rainbows and happiness today because you ain't going to find it here.

Tom Ronald The Monkey Dog
(called the Monkey Dog on account of the noise he would make when happy)
2004-2014

On Friday Mr Awesome and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put our beloved pooch down. Feeling like the worst person in the world doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about it.
Despite knowing that in so many ways it was for the best and that he is no longer suffering it still sucks big hairy balls. Watching my poor babies grieve makes it all even worse.

At the beginning of the week I had thought that something wasn't quite right with the old fella but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. In hindsight I think that maybe he had been looking at me with pleading eyes for even longer but caught up in my own woes I was ignorant to it all. By Thursday there was no doubt that something wasn't right so I insisted that Mr Awesome take him to the vets.

Which he did. He returned with a range of different pills and a follow up appointment on Tuesday. Initially we had thought he was suffering from a severe bout of blocked bowels. The vet however pointed out that it was probably more likely to be related to his prostate. Since he was the one that had been to doggie medical school we went with his idea.

By the time Friday morning came along there was no doubt that the problem was with his prostate/penis area. The pool of blood dripping from him was a bit of a giveaway really. Thankfully (for me) Mr A had popped home for a car change so I insisted that he drop everything and go back to the vets. Which he readily agreed to and did just that.

You know how sometimes your brain just goes and thinks silly things?

Well this was one of those times for me. As Mr A was gently coercing Tom out the front door and into the car I suddenly had the urge to tell the girls to give Tom a cuddle and say goodbye to him. They were home from school due to a teachers strike. Not wanting to be over dramatic or worry them I decided not to make too much of a big deal about it and they said goodbye in the same manner as if they was just going for a walk

As much as we love our dog we are sadly not made of money. A point which Mr A let the vet know when he arrived. We have heard some horror stories of vet bills and couldn't face a thousands of dollars bill. The vet, who was different to the one they saw the day before, said he totally understood and would be able to investigate the situation without X-rays and only a minor procedure.

Within a few hours the vet had called with the news.

He still wasn't sure exactly what was wrong just that it wasn't good. Far from it in fact. He could operate and investigate further however he still couldn't guarantee he would be able to fix whatever was wrong.

Given his age of ten years and the lack of hope from the vet it honestly felt like there was little option. It seemed like the most humane thing to do.

Thankfully there was enough time for me to take the girls in to say their goodbyes. Though the vet and my mother did question whether that really was the best thing to do. I had no doubt that it was. While the girls were upset as they sat with him and stroked him I think they would have been even more upset to have not had that opportunity. I know I was glad to be able to see him one more time.

He was so much more than just a pet or just a dog. He was our friend and companion, a protector and guard and he is so sorely missed. The house feels empty without him. So so empty. I almost don't want to open the back door anymore because it is such a horrid reminder that he is gone.

Even now as I sit here writing at some ridiculous hour in the morning, I am only too aware that he is not sitting by my side as he once did. Keeping me company while I tap away at my keyboard.

For now though I must go sleep. Which just between you and me is easier said than done. You see there is a part of me that can't help but feel I asked for this to happen in some crazy way.

A few months ago a friend asked me what we would be doing with Tom when we go away. I flippantly replied with a comment about maybe he would die before then. In much the same way I made an offhand comment about Mr A's grandma passing and leaving us a heap of cash when asked how we would fund our trip.

How both those statements haunt me now. Yes that's right Grandma passed away as well.

One of those I can't sigh enough moments.

But enough of that. Let's end on a slightly happier note. A few years ago I wrote about It's a dog's life

Things I Know About Being Vague and All Over the Place

 I know that right now I am not sure if blogging is quite what I should be doing.

I know that most times when I sit down to blog I wonder if it is what I should be doing.

I know that I generally don't go and do all those things that I should be doing anyway so I may as well get my blogging on.

I know that I really do love blogging. With my whole heart in fact.

I know that there is something I really want to share but I just can't find the words to do the topic justice.

I know that in time I will, so I guess till then you will just have to bare with me as I fumble around trying to find them.

I know that right now my heart is filled with an immense sadness.

I know that you should always be weary of what you wish for.

I know that so often I hear of other people's heartache and I wonder what right I have to be sad of my own.

Deep down though I know it is all relative and we all have equal rights to wallow in our own heartaches. The trick lies in how deep we wallow.

I know that I am terribly sorry to all those who have joined in with Thankful Thursday this week. I have not yet read or shared your wonderful posts.

I know that I have a valid reason for this and I promise I will get there. I just don't know when.

I know that tonight Mr Awesome and I have a child free night, thanks to his work.

I know that for so many reasons I wish it were not the case.

I know that being a newly non-drinker is one of those reasons. There is nothing worse than free alcohol, lots of drunks and being sober.

I know that it is for my own good that I become a non-drinker.

I know that I have been practising in my head for days saying, I am a non-drinker.

I know that it will be easier said than done. Despite it not even being that easy to be said.

I know that it felt rather awesome to slip on a little black dress I got when I was 21 and have it fit.

I know that it is nearly time to go and check into the company paid hotel room.

I know that I hope there is a big bath in said room.

I know that I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and head over to this week's stand in Things I Know host and see what others know

On climbing Mount Everest

Some days coming up with something to write about feels much like what I imagine climbing Mount Everest would feel like. Arduously hard work that requires searching the inner depths of your soul and digging internally deeper than you ever imagined possible.

Image from here
From someone who really has
climbed Everest

Of course the joy and elation at reaching the top of the summit is much like the emotions experienced when that something you have written is well received once read. Especially if it is so well received that readers are motivated to comment and share.

Other days when sitting in front of the big magic screen that is my Mac, words seem to spew forth at great knots. Appearing to cover the blank screen with the ease of a natural flow. Little thought feels needed and there is no doubt that my career as an esteemed writer is all but set in stone.

Mind you these are generally the same days that it appears as if everyone has forgotten my web address and my words of wisdom feel like they slip by completely unnoticed. Oh the tragedy I know.

Lately I have been experiencing a combination of climbing Everest yet without the elation. Which has made the whole sitting down to write thing a whole lot harder than I would like it to be. Combined with the whole working and raising a family thing writing, blogging and any time in front of the computer has been harder than I possibly thought it would be.

There is not enough room for all the sighing I want to get out.

In twenty minutes I will once again be setting off for a doctor's appointment. It is my third or maybe fourth in not that many weeks. Which for someone who doesn't really do doctors, you can only imagine the angst that all these appointments are causing me. Especially since thrown in amongst it all there is the dentist to deal with as well.

Not to mention the fact that one doctor claims it is all rather important I get the whole clot in my arm worked out sooner rather than later. Yet I can't seem to get anyone else to actually get me an appointment with a specialist who may be able to shed some more light on what can be done.

See I told you there was not enough room for all the sighing I want need to get out.

And like I am not whinging and whining enough, but did I mention I recently had to say goodbye to a dear friend?

Thankfully not in the she is gone forever never to be seen again type of goodbye, just the she has moved to the other end of the country type of goodbye. Which is all kinds of sucky let me tell you.

In looking for a bright side though, because there is always a bright side, when we go on our trip of a life time, when we get to her neck of the woods we will have a place to stay. So yay for that!

Continuing on with the cheery bright side, I now also have something to join in IBOT with AND in the time it has taken for me to get this out (which may be all day but whatever) a specialist has finally gotten back to me and agreed that I could skip most of the waiting list and get seen next week! Oh yay, oh yay, oh yay!

What's been going on with you?

Goodbye, so long, farewell

Darwin has long been touted as one of the most transient capital cities. As a long tern local it is something that I can personally attest to as well. For many years as I was growing up it felt as if all I was ever doing was saying goodbye to people. Families would get transferred here for a few years and then when their time was done, they would be sent to somewhere else. It was just the way things worked.

Of course we never got sent anywhere else because my parents had willingly chosen to be here. There had been no company transfer to prove your worth or anything like that. With the booming building industry of a city that desperately needed rebuilding and then continued to grow and grow Dad was never without work so there was never even a reason to consider leaving.

And honestly why would you want to leave a lifestyle like this?

On top of that he and my mum both loved the tropical relaxed laid back way of life. There was no way there were ever giving it up to return to the hustle and bustle of a big city. Which I can totally understand and relate to. The mere thought of a hustling bustling big city makes me want to go and hide in a corner.

As I got older I found myself wanting to join the ranks of leavers. If everyone else thought there was somewhere better to be then maybe there was something to it. So I studied hard, certain that acceptance to an interstate university was my only ticket out of town.

However before I got there, I had the chance to do some travelling of my own. Not a lot, but enough to let me know that I was already lucky enough to be living in one of the most wonderful places on earth.

Over time I said goodbye to every single one of my friends from school and my first failed attempt at university. Over the same time I slowly began to be more selective in who I would let into my inner circles of friendships. I didn't see the point in investing too much time or energy into someone who was only going to leave me.

Sadly this meant I found myself without any real friends. Which I acted like I was ok with. Who needs lots of people in their life anyway? By this time I had Mr Awesome so in so many ways I thought I had all that I needed.

Of course I didn't though.

By the time Lovely was five and Zany was on the scene I began to realise the importance of having friends. Not just for myself but for the girls as well. Slowly I began looking for some and opening myself up. It was a long and slow process. Not aided by my reluctance either.

In 2011 I decided to throw caution to the wind and actively sought to find new life long friends. It was a wonderful experience and I while I may not have discovered the new bestie I was hoping for I no longer felt alone or even lonely. It also gave me the confidence to keep slowly letting people in.

Somewhere along the line I stopped looking so hard and just let things be. As great as 2011 had been for finding and making new friends, there weren't too many actual keepers in there. I wasn't going to spend 2012 in the same manner so I backed off on the friendship hunt.

Only would you believe it? When I wasn't even looking I somehow managed to stumble across someone who I truly connected with in so many ways. In fact from our first catch up I walked away feeling like I had just spent hours with a best friend. If of course I was the type to have best friends.

Anyway I am sure by now you have worked out what comes next.

Yep she is now on the road out of town and quickly too.

Despite my total and utter devastation I don't really hold it against her. I know that it is in her family's best interest. I know that where she is off to she will be faced with great opportunity and a wonderful life but right now it is so hard to see past my own sadness.

Which I know is so, so so incredibly selfish. Especially since in six months time I would have been the one leaving her. But I just can't help it. The mere thought of saying goodbye to her sends me to tears. Ridiculous over emotional tears that I just can't stop.

And yes I have heard of Skype and all those modern fang dangled ways of staying in contact but they are not the same. Not when it is the only way to stay in contact with just about every single person that you love and care for.

joining Jess and the gang for IBOT

also part of the Digital Parents Blog Carnival hosted by Mrs D plus 3

So much sadness

There's an opening line that is bound to get the readers in, in droves. Or not.

Sorry for the rather dreary title (that will quite possibly lead to an equally dreay post, too early to say though as we are only at the start) but it can not be helped. As much as I would like it to be all sunshines and rainbows sadly life just isn't like that sometimes.

The good news, well the good news for me at least, is that the sadness has not been experienced first hand. It has been felt from a distance as I watch grief and sorrow wash through, tearing families apart and leaving communities in tears.

On Monday a young girl tragically had her mother snatched away from her. And when I say young girl I mean a beautiful innocent five year old. And when I say snatched I mean a tragic and somewhat freak accident that saw a young woman (26) lose her life way to early.

Simone Montgomerie was leading the pack in race six at The Darwin Cup when the horse she was riding baulked and threw the talented jockey to the ground. Montgomerie had just been crowned Darwin Jockey of the Year. The first female to have the honour.

This days after the local newspaper's front page is splashed with a horrific single vechile car crash that killed a mother and two children. The father and a third child remained in hospital. Today's paper saying something about a last text. I couldn't bring myself to open the cover and read more about it.

That paper has seen enough of my tears these last few days. Hidden amongst the back pages where the death notices lay. A young boy this time lost far, far, far too soon. Perhaps the most tragic and sad of them all. My heart just breaks and my stomach churns when I think of it all.

My mind has been trying not to go into over drive. Wondering how his mother didn't just stop breathing herself when she found him? Wondering how long it had been since she last checked on him? And how many times she will beat herself up for not checking on him sooner...and...

Enough.

It really does make my head start to hurt if I think about it for too long. Or at all. As soon as I start thinking about it, it leads to too long. Not that I mean or want to trivialise these terrible loss of lives, it's just if I don't keep my empathy in check I tend to forget that this is all the grief of others and not my own to own.

To all those who have lost a loved one recently, or even at all, my heart goes out to you, may fairy wishes and butterfly kisses surround you in your time of need