At it again. Grumbling that is.

This poor post has sat blank all day waiting for me to find the right words to fill it with. Even now I am not sure of what they are.

Essentially I am fighting the urge to complain.

Again.

It almost feels like every time I come here lately it is to complain in some shape or form. I never like to think of myself as a complainer. In fact the complete opposite. I generally like to take pride in my ability to find the silver lining, even on the darkest of cloudy days.

I crazily expected #ouradventureofalifetime to be nothing but rainbows and sunshine.

As if the moment we drove out of town we magically metamorphosed into a travelling kind of Brady bunch if you will. And while there is certainly no denying that there have been some incredibly spectacular moments where things have exceeded my expectations, there have also been a few quite surprising crapola moments as well.

We are currently back in Broome for a few days after having spent a wonderful week out of range on the Dampier Peninsular. It feels somewhat strange being around people again. A week of not interacting with anyone outside your immediate family will do that to you I guess.

The difference in the girls being around people is what gets me the most.

When there is not another soul to be seen or distraction to be had they are as nice as pie to one another. Sure there is the odd squabble here and there but on the whole they are full of understanding and patience for each other.

Introduce some people and electricity and suddenly it is like they are vying for the title of Queen of Bickering and Nastiness.

It seriously does my head in and makes me want to scream obscenities. Clearly mother of the year I am not.

As if that is not bad enough Mr Awesome has even less patience than I do for such behaviour and is constantly grumping and growling as well.

Sigh, sigh, sigh and double sigh.

I promise though when next we meet I will have a much happier tale to tell

Excuse me while I wallow just a little. Or a lot.

As I sat waiting to see McDreamy the other day I decided to use my time wisely and start writing my #IBOT post for Tuesday. Even though I am having trouble fitting in adequate commenting I just can't fight the desire to join on in. I had made an agreement with myself earlier in the day to do so as long as I read an article or two for my current assignment.

Given that it is already over due (though I have kindly been granted an extension) I really need to just knuckle and down and do it. With hindsight I am wondering if returning to study right now really was one of my wisest moves. Live and learn I guess.

Truth be told I have been using a lot of hindsight of late to assess my decisions and just quietly it is not looking so great for most of them. Mind you it could also have something to do with the fact I am just beating particularly hard on myself today.

You see the post that I wrote at the doctor's didn't save. Well I guess a more accurate description is that I failed to save because failure is one of the few things I am good at doing at the moment.

Yesterday I ran my second City2Surf, just over 12km in distance. Though when I say run maybe a more apt description would be shuffle. I went a whole second slower than last year. A full twelve months longer at being a runner and I go a second slower.

It is hard for me not to call myself a loser.

I know that the scheme of things a whole second is not really here nor there. I should just be stoked for even making to the end. And I guess in some ways I am. But when it seems like everyone else is going faster and smashing through their PB's it is hard to be pleased with just finishing.

Mr Awesome snapped this as. Bless him.
This was at about the 9.5km mark.
I used every ounce of my being to make an effort to not look buggered as
I ran by them. 

I should have done better.

I could have done better if I had of trained a little more. Or at all really.

I should have trained more but it was easier to make weak excuses.

I work most afternoons and nights. I like to run of an evening. Getting up early in the morning is just too hard. Teapot doesn't ride her bike well enough and we no longer have a pram for her so running after school drop off is no longer an option either. Not to mention it is probably to hot then anyway.

Blah, blah, blah.

Eating a packet of chips most nights that I work probably hasn't helped much either. Nor the bottles of coke I drink to help me stay awake. But what is a bored girl to do?

Cue deep sighs and even more deep breaths and the hope that I don't hyperventilate.

Just between you and me right now I feel like I am floundering. Actually I feel completely overwhelmed and have just passed the point of drowning. If you and I were having this conversation in person, all of that would have been said with a f-bomb thrown in at least five times.

Only we aren't having this conversation in person because I am a person free zone at the moment and feel completely abandoned and alone.

Cue tears and more hyperventilation.

All of which I know to be ridiculous because there will probably be at least three people reading this who will wonder why I didn't call them or message them or something them. Till they remember that I am not really a calling or messaging type of person. I am a talk to you face to face type of person, or pour it all out here. Sadly there are no people near me any more to talk to in person.

Oh and while I am being a crybaby have I mentioned that based on some of Lovely's behaviours of late I am a relatively shit parent as well. She has lost all interest in school and following any direction I request of her just seems to go against her inner being. The joys of having a teenager.

Mind you apparently Zany's school work is leaving something to be desired as well. Given that when I picked her up today her teacher requested I make an appointment to see her to discuss her report. Joy of joys right there. I am relatively certain she is just trying to ease the pain of the report containing D's.

I know this because another parent from the class recently had to have the same discussion. I shall however save my thoughts on the grading system of the curriculum for another day. It is safe to say it is a conversation that involves quite a lot of swearing on my part.

For now though I am sure I have carried on more than enough. I must have done because I feel slightly more human and able to cope.

So please excuse me while I pick my bedraggled and sorry for myself ass up off the floor and quickly slap together something for the troops to have for dinner while I traipse off to work yet again.

For some other great posts though make sure you check out all the IBOT fun over at Essentially Jess

The First Date

This time eleven years ago I was a twenty four year old single mum waking up from what was quite possibly the most wonderful night of my life. Some eighteen hours early I had nervously been awaiting what was really one of my first ever real dates. 

Image credit: Jasmaine Mathews

A blind date it was not, yet in many ways that was exactly how it felt. It had almost been like a lifetime since our paths had last crossed. We were as good as strangers in so many ways.

My mother had agreed to care for Lovely, who at the time was not yet two. Since Mum lived with us at the time it was no real inconvenience for her have her for the night. I greatly appreciated it though and it was by no means something I did often or took real advantage of.

Even though I was a single mum I had not really been so for very long. Lovely's father and I had gone our separate ways the previous April. A week after Lovely's first birthday. I had followed him out in a last ditch effort to save our very flawed relationship. I received the message loud and clear there was nothing to salvage.

The following eight months were incredibly tumultuous for me as I tried to find my way in life once more.

May saw me with a 13 month old, a broken arm and homeless. Returning to Mum and Dad's house really was the most sensible option and reluctantly I took it.

By July I was nearly back on my own feet and settled into my very own rented accommodation. An old weather beaten fibro built house that had some how managed to remain standing when most of the city had been destroyed by a cyclone some twenty five years ago. 

It had three bedrooms, a stainless steel kitchen and a massive yard. All that I needed and a whole lot more. Apparently it was best for me not to be alone. Not that I was alone because I had Lovely but it was a handy excuse for those that wanted to be alone. 

My parents were well and truly entrapped in a can't live with or without them scenario. They would take turns in coming to stay for extended periods of time. Having one with me gave them the space they both needed at the time. 

Dad had gone on another road trip, which mum had to be at her house. For a few moments I was alone. 

Then a friend need a place to stay. In many ways I felt responsible for his lack of accommodation. I had the room so gave returned the generosity he had shown to me when I needed it most a few months prior.

A few days turned to weeks, which went to a month, and then longer. Somewhere along the way, we stopped being just friends. We were both so lonely at the time it seemed to make perfect sense.

Only it wasn't really.

Deep down I knew my heart wasn't in it. 

I had spent the last few years doing things that my heart wasn't in. I had vowed never to do that again. Never. 

By this time my dad had returned and mum was looking for some space of her own again. The what would have been empty room was again empty no more as  mum quickly entered the vacated space left by my friend come lover who would eventually become but a stranger.

Life seemed to be rolling along nicely. 

With the new year upon me I was filled with hope and possibility. I had a casual job and was studying. I had found a wonderful day care option for Lovely. Life felt like it was coming together. Sure there was something missing but for the most part all the pieces were slowly falling into places.

Then the dreams started.

So real and vivid. Even in waking hours they would begin to invade my every thought.

A face. A person. Someone from what felt like a lifetime ago.

When I won a double pass to a local nightclub exclusive party there was no doubt on who I would offer the other pass to. Provided of course I could actually make the call. My hand would waver over the phone for so long before I would actually have the courage to pick it up.

Even thinking about it all these years on my stomach still starts to tighten and swirl all at the one time. My heart had never beat faster and it amazes me how I actually managed to get the words out.

"Hello it's Rhianna, is Mr Awesome there?" I somehow stammer

"No of course he is not here" his mother curtly replies

I am suddenly thrown back to the early nineties where I was an awkward and nervous teenager when it came to boys. My heart sinks and I am engulfed with disappointment. What ever was I thinking?

"He doesn't finish work till five, should be home by five thirty" a slightly softer voices continues.

Of course work. Why didn't I think of that? 

Feeling more than slightly stupid I leave my number and begin counting down the hours till I can at least begin expecting a return call.

to be continued...

joining in with Kerri

The Black Dog

The other day a while flitting about on Facebook a friend shared a link to an Upworthy post that offered explanation to as to what depression was like.

Personally I have managed to escape any formalised diagnosis of depression. There was an instance a few years ago (not long after Teapot was born and my father had passed away) where I think I may have come pretty close to ticking a lot of depression boxes. I am glad those days are behind me.

Anyway there was so much in this clip that I wanted to remember I decided sharing it was the easiest way to save it for later. That and the fact I hadn't yet organised a post for today and I am not yet ready to walk away from post every day challenge.

So here it is for your enlightenment and my memory later.

Happiness is...

Given the somewhat somber mood around here of late I thought that I would see if I could spark a bit of happiness and brighten things up a bit. Even though I generally like to think of myself as a Little Miss Positive always able to see the silver lining, there are times where the clouds of sadness are so dark that there is not even the slightest inkling of silver to be seen anywhere.

Thankfully though those days quickly pass and before long I can feel my happiness start to replenish. Sometimes rather than wait for my happiness to to refill itself I take steps to make it happen a little quicker.

image source

So in no particular order here is a collection of some of the things that help me create my happiness.

• Listening to my favourite tunes. The tunes vary between a range performers and includes the likes of Johnny Cash, Kenny Rogers, Paul McCartney, and the Bee Gees. I actually have a playlist called Rhianna's soothing soul music with a few others thrown in as well but I wont bore you with all the details.
• Pulling a few Angel or Fairy cards. They always know the right thing to say and help me think my thoughts over.
• Going for a run. Need I say more? Those endorphins are for real and I love 'em!
• Hanging with Mr Awesome
• Sitting by the ocean
• Getting some extra sleep
• Blogging/writing
• Cleaning. Yep I really did just say that. While I may not actually like the process, the end result from cleaning the kitchen or getting on top of all the washing does leave me quite filled with happiness.
• Actively look for rays of hope and sunshine
• Do something I think would make someone else happy. You know like bake them some cupcakes.

Naturally things like getting a massage, going on a shopping spree, having a night out, bubble baths, and all the other cliched happiness creators would also all work but I don't really do any of those. Perhaps if we had a bath I would give that a go, a steaming hot shower has been known to bring a smile on more than one occasion so I am sure a bath would work as well.

So what is it that helps you create happiness 

when you need it most?

Joining Here

Scream and shout and let it all.

That is what I have been doing here in this space for the last few days. Perhaps not so much of the screaming and shouting but most certainly a lot of letting it all out. Or at least letting some of it out. Being the public place that the internet is I can't really let it all out as there are parts I just don't want anyone to know. There are also parts that are not my story to tell. 

The worst of it all is over for now and I am confident that throughout the day I will slowly return to normal programming. In fact I am already well on the way. I have spent the last hour flufffing around on Facebook and replying to all the lovely comments I have received of late. Thank you for that as well. 

It never ceases to amaze me how I can wander around real life and feel so completely alone at times, yet the moment I step online I suddenly feel surrounded with love and support in all manner of ways. 

Mind you I have always found the written word easier to express. 

The moment you vocalise something it is there, it can't be taken back. When you write there is an  opportunity to review what you put out before it is actually put out. To check and make sure what you are saying is what you mean and all the rest of it. Of course the tone can be harder to hear and open to more interpretation but ultimately I feel you have more say in what the message is when you write.

Well, I feel I my message comes across better when written, rather than just spoken off the bat. My mouth has had a way of getting me into all sorts of trouble at times. That whole thinking before you speak thing doesn't always work well for me. There have even been times where I would write down conversations I needed to have with people and practise what I wanted to say before I actually had the conversation.

Anyway, enough of that. 

There are dishes patiently waiting to be seen to and washing in need of doing and folding and all the rest of it. Everywhere I turn there is just another disaster zone waiting to be returned to a more manageable level of disorder. I just wanted to pop in quickly and leave something slightly happier than that of the last few days.

image from here

What could me more happier than playing here?

Hope you are having a wonderful day and don't forget I have some awesome AntiOx Snack Bars and Chocolate to give away.

Things I Know

I know I have already posted once today but if the truth be told I actually wrote it yesterday. Only I couldn't post it yesterday because I had already published a post.

Influx I know but emotional filled days will do that to you I guess.

I had planned on writing something later on today because sharing the things I know on a Friday is one of my most favourite things to do. However opportunity presented itself now so now I am writing.

I know that getting up before 5 am is very bloody early. Very bloody early.

As early as it was it did actually seem like a rather good idea. I know done five hours later it is still too early to decide whether or not it was actually a good idea or not.

The upside to being up well before the sparrows fart was I got to read the book I received yesterday.

Which book is that I hear you say?

This one

Complete with a special message inside from the author herself. Having a friend that is a published author is nearly as exciting as being an author. Nearly by not quite though I imagine.

I know that ignoring my children so I could finish reading the book was probably not my finest parenting moment. Neither was the lateness with which they eventually arrived at school with.

I know that two days ago I may have been a worthy recipient of mother of the year with my cupcakes for Zany to take to school for her birthday but that award has since been rescinded after this mornings efforts.

I know that going for a run this morning did seem like a good idea until I was nearly done and realised that Teapot had fallen asleep.

On the upside though sitting here

while I penned this most of this masterpiece did make everything seem ok for a little while.

I know that I actually wanted to call this post Things I Know About Being Sad, because honestly the last two days I have managed to take sad to a whole new level. I didn't because as sad as I might have been the last two days I know there is also a whole heap about sadness that I don't know and quite frankly I am happy with that.

I know that tomorrow is a brand new day and while I would like to say I know I won't be as sad I know that is also just not the case.

I know that my reasons for being sad tomorrow and the next day are vastly different from my current reason for being sad. Sadly though now is not the right time to be sharing much about that as it involves a person who is rather against the whole sharing on the internet concept.

I know that come Monday or Tuesday I may not be feeling as sad and I can't wait to get there.

I know that means I pretty much want to fast forward through to the weekend and that is really just crazy talk. Who in their right mind wants to fast forward through the weekend?

I know if you know stuff you should totally come and join in the coolest linky ever over at TheMissCinders.com

Writing rather than cooking

With a little over an hour to get dinner sorted, read school readers, tidy up, get the washing in, fold it and put it away, it seems only natural to throw it all in the too hard basket and blog instead.

With so many thoughts bustling around my head trying to make sense of themselves, I am sure I will be much more productive if I write first.

Well that is what I tell myself in a bid to justify my selfish desire to forget about my responsibilities and just write instead. 

 Can't wait to share the story that goes with it.

Normally Monday sees me confessing with the lovely Kirsty over at My Home Truths. Only this week she is on holidays (lucky thing) Last week when I read of her impending break I did plan on a confession anyway as I am always keen to get things off my chest,  however, we all know how my plans go, so naturally it didn't happen.

deep sigh

Where was I? Oh that's right.

As predicted last week was massive.

Meeting Samuel Johnson was certainly a highlight. We might not have spoken as much as we could have but truth be told if I had of spoken to him any more than what I did, I would have ended up as a blubbering mess. And let's face it, nobody, least of all someone as amazing as old SJ, needs a blubbering mess on their hands.

For those who don't know the intimate workings of my inner thoughts, I am an incredibly emotional person. I cry a lot and easily. For the most part I can hold it to a simple eye well. A few deep breaths and I can generally get it all under control but not all the time.

There are some topics that there is just no avoiding a tear or two when I think of them. Let alone actually talking to someone who may be going through said grievance.

*Which reminds me.
Princess Ladbird Week
starts on Wednesday. 

Losing a sister is one of them. Losing a child is another*. Throw cancer into the mix and it is all over. I am a goner for sure.

Tears will be shed. And quite possibly a lot of them. Not sob your heart out tears. Just roll silently down your cheek tears. Not that it really makes much difference. Neither are easy to ignore and carry on a conversation with.

It actually makes feel uncomfortable. I start to wonder what right I have to get all teary over their heartbreaking sadness. Worsened when strength and resilience are shown.

Now that's all out the way, make sure you pop back in tomorrow to find out what Sam had to say after his swim with Chopper.

For now though it is best I get back to that whole being responsible thing and get dinner sorted.

double deep sigh.

After all the fun and antics of feeding multiple numbers twelve year old girls the last thing I feel like doing tonight is feeding the troops that make up my family. Ok, ok I know, most nights the last thing I feel like doing is cooking dinner, it's just I couldn't let it slip when I had such a good excuse tonight!

Whoa! Will someone please stop the crazy talk?

A long, long, time ago, long before Lori's life took a directional change, RRSAHM was one of the blogs that I would regularly go and read. To my littlest fish in the ocean eyes she was a much bigger fish, and with good cause. Her posts were always quirky and interesting. She was the blogger that I dreamed to be.

Especially since our blogs both had the words random and rambling in them. At the time I was blogging at Rhianna's Random Ramblings. Not that I actually had any readers, or patiences to keep going to see if I got some.

Me, after lunch, pushing myself to be silly and let go
Also evidence of my crazy and delusional mind

In my obviously crazy and delusional mind I decided that there was no space on the Internet for two bloggers who both used the words random and rambling in their blogspot address. Particularly since I was certain that our writing styles were so similar.

I worried that should anyone ever stop by to read my humble little blog they may accuse me of copying her awesomeness. (Yes I seriously thought this, mainly because we both did lots of small fonted brackets and no one else did)  It was about this time I stopped reading Lori's blog. That way if ever accused I could honestly say there was no risk of any copyright issues. Never mind all the awesome posts that I would never get to read. Told you I had a crazy and delusional mind.

As time went on I gradually forgot about RRSAHM and Lori and for a while even blogging. When I did return to have a read of the crazy jelly bean lady who had my blog name (not really though only in my crazy head) Her life had been turned upside down and I felt terrible for resenting her blog had such a cool name.

A couple of times at DPCON13 I found myself standing in amongst a group of people, Lori being amongst them. I may have managed to be on the outskirts on the conversation but there was no way that I could bring myself to actually talk to this amazing woman. You know like really talk. To say, hey I have read your blog for ages, you are a great story teller, thanks for sharing.

No there was nothing like that. I was certain the poor woman was sick of wannabe bloggers fawning over her and singing her praises. Because I am sure that really happens, just as I am sure one would tire of it eventually.

But I digress, as lovely as that story may or may not have been t'was not the one I wanted to be telling.

What I wanted to be telling you was the story of Tiff. Tiff who I do visit slightly more frequently and have on more than one occasion left a comment on her blog, but still don't have any expectation for her to know me or my blog, in any shape or form.

Tiff who tweeted me not long after the conference started, asking where I was in the room.

@aparentinglifewhere abouts are you?
— tiffany tregenza (@tiggymooshoo) March 19, 2013

Feeling all kinds of special because this totally amazing woman wanted to know where I was, I responded with

@tiggymooshoo in the middle towards the back, in purple top near @daisyrooandtwo I was only wondering this morning if you would be here
— Rhianna (@aparentinglife) March 19, 2013

Only now when I read it I want to face palm myself.

Naturally this was all before she had appeared on the blogging through adversity panel. Which I didn't really know about. I had kind of flicked over all those minor details regarding who was speaking when a few times but with so much going on minor details like that didn't really sink in to my somewhat dense at time brain.

When I realised what a tool I must of looked like, wondering whether a speaker was going to turn up or not I couldn't bring myself to face her. Why wouldn't she show up? Oh the shame of going to conference totally unaware of what was actually going on and who was speaking when.

What kind of try hard fraud was I?

As it turned out by the time the first session ended, my nervous coffee drinking habit, followed by a sudden desire to flush out my insides with water, meant my bladder felt like it was about to exceed it's limitations. (It didn't just in case you were wondering) Rushing off in the opposite direction everyone else in the bid to find the loo I soon began to fill my head with all kinds of nonsensical  notions.

The morning had so far gone less than I had planned and the reality I was facing myself with took a bit of adjusting to. The details of which are too much to include in this already essay length post. Suffice to say though I was not exactly being as kind to myself as I should have.

By the time I returned to the main area, fresh coffee in hand, my self esteem had become so battered and bruised I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. Let alone a brave woman about to take the stage and share her heartache, trials and tribulations with essentially a bunch of strangers on many levels.

Not that it actually mattered because by this time the next session was ready to get underway and all chances of interaction were suddenly removed from me.

I was so pleased as that meant a reprieve from the expectation of making conversation with people that I didn't know. Until I actually arrived the whole concept of actually interacting with these people had not found it's way inside my head. When it did I was overwhelmed with how to handle all of what was before me.

As I sat there listening to these women share how blogging has helped them get through some of their darkest hours and days, I started to cut myself some slack. After all, my life was suddenly becoming more appealing. If these women could get up and through each day after all life had thrown at them, then surely I could survive a two day conference?

Sometimes, when I write a post I find out that I have a lot to say. Too much in fact to say in one post. This is one of those posts. It all started when I went to share a few of the blogs I love for MTA's little linky. I wanted to share my love for the three bloggers who spoke on the blogging through adversity panel at the Digital Parents Conference I went to in March. It turned out there was much more than just love to be shared. Apologies if it was long winded, thanks for making it to the end.

What crazy thoughts have run through your head lately? 

Things I Know - School Holidays, Birthdays and Interviewing Superstars

It feels like forever since I shared some of the things that I know. Which makes me want to say the first thing I know this week is that it has been all systems a go here for the past few weeks.

The excitement of the Digital Parents Conference led straight into the onslaught of birthday season in our house. It really feels like the last few weeks have been nothing but a blur.

But complaining I am not. For the most, perhaps even nearly all, there has been an abundance of joy, fun and laughter. Naturally there was the odd day where things all got a little too much but that is just part and parcel of living a life. I blogged, tweeted and shared and before long my worries seemed gone.

Image from here

So what is it I know right here right now?

I know I went to make this post all about my love of all things school holidays. But then I realised I had already done that here.

I know I then thought I could carry on about birthdays. Until I realised I had already harped on about birthdays quite a lot lately.

I know that every time I think about being in the same room as Samuel Johnson my knees seem to go weak. Not to mention the rapid increase in the beating of my heart. When I say beating I may possibly actually mean pounding.

I know that it is actually easier and possibly best not to think too much about it. Else I send myself into a state of worry that for some crazy ill fated reason it all never takes place.

I know I need to have faith that all will be ok. In the end it always is.

I know that the Love Your Sister campaign is beyond awesome. Really and truly. I could not urge people enough to get behind and show support. Have you checked it out yet?

I know I need to just remember that at the end of the day, regardless of what kind of acting superstar he is, Samuel is still just a brother with a very sick sister trying to make a difference.

I know that I am actually being super organised and writing this well ahead of time. Hence it is actually late at night right now. Which means it is time for this little blogger to head to bed.

Make sure you check out all the other things that people know and share with Miss Cinders

One of those days

Image from here

You know those days where everything feels like it is turning to crap? Where no matter what is going on it is sure to go wrong in some shape or form, possible and most probably even both. 

Those days where you just wished you had of stayed in bed, or at least in the house. Those days where it is best if you removed yourself from human interaction because undoubtedly people will drive you to distraction. Even when they don't mean to. Those days where patience has run out the door and every little thing will invariably rub you the wrong way. Most likely because you doubt there even is a right way.

Today feels like one of those days.

It shouldn't but it does. And shaking it just doesn't seem possible.

Today feels like a day where I could quite easily walk into a the doctor and walk out with a bunch of little pills in the hope they are the magic ticket to happiness. Of course I know that is not how it really works but still...

Right now it feels like the weight of the world is resting purely on my poor weak little shoulders. My back feeling like it is unable to withstand much more and likely to give way at any given moment. Leaving me crumpled up and squashed, not unlike a deflated ball kicked aside, no longer of worth to anyone.

All rather dramatic I know.

The worst part about this all is that there have been some rather exciting moments to the day.

Things like getting confirmation that when Samuel Johnson is in town I will get to meet him and have a little chat. I am beyond excited, and nervous, but at the end of the day the excitement will win. 

Or at least I hope it will. 

If you haven't already heard Sam is riding a unicycle 15000km around Australia in a bid to raise awareness for breast cancer as well as $1Million for the cause. You can donate here

Sunday will also see my darling little Miss Two become Miss Three. It is the first birthday where she really gets the whole birthday concept. Today we walked around the shops and she pointed out various things the birthday fairy will bring her. A concept which just melts my heart because after nearly 12 years of children's birthdays this is the first time I have heard of the birthday fairy. Who knows where she picked it up from but it is beyond cute.

Though it was at the shops that I could feel the unhappiness grow.

As much as I live in a capital city, it is a small capital city. In fact I am sure there are some country towns or even inner city suburbs, that possibly have more than what we do. Turns out in the whole shopping centre there is only one shoe shop that sells children's shoes. Naturally they didn't have a single solitary pair in the nearly birthday girl's size.

"Are you *$#%ing kidding me????" I somehow refrained from screeching at the shop assistant as I stormed out of the store. Go me huh?

I now have to ring said store to ask if she happened to come across a cute little hand knitted bunny rabbit that Miss Nearly Three insisted on taking to the shops that never quite made it home.

Again I refrained from my overwhelming desire to scream "Are you *$#%ing kidding me????" I am sure my mother of the year award will be here any moment.

The worst part about the whole losing the stupid toy (that my mother had made and only given us two days before hand I might add) is that in all my years of being a mother I have never allowed toys to come shopping. Never, ever, never. 

My blood starts to boil at my idiotic resolve to bend the rules a little. Surely I should know by now that rules are there for a reason. (And contrary to whatever I may have said earlier, some rules are not meant to be broken) Live and learn I guess.

Sigh.

None of this is helped by the fact I am acutely aware of there being real problems that people, some of whom I love dearly, are suffering from. Not that it can be discussed here though. Something about lack of privacy and not my stories to tell...

Double sigh.

On the upside though, because as a regular reader you would know I am all about the upside, did I mention I get to meet Samuel Johnson? 

Seriously though there is a lot to the upside. Stuff like I managed to find some great birthday presents for the upcoming birthday girl. And by great I mean what I was looking for and on special. Win win right there peoples. I also scored some free movie tickets. Winning again. 

Then there are just the everyday winning things like having a home, food, loving husband and all that jazz. Blessed is what I truly am and for that I am thankful. Just sometimes a whinge is what we all need. It is good for the soul. The weights all now feel lighter as my burdens have been shared. Thanks for listening.

Have you got something you need to share? The comment box is ready and waiting.

Life changing moments and people

All that sparkles and glistens

Sometimes in life you meet people and have moments that are just simply life changing. 

They somehow manage to instantly connect to your inner core. 

Deeply penetrating your beliefs. 

Changing the way you think, act or feel.

There were plenty of such people and moments at the recent Digital Parents Conference held at the magical Curzon Hall.

On stage women shared some of the most heart breaking stories that one could ever imagine. I sat there at the back of room wondering where one would find the strength to live through what they did. 

I suddenly felt so small and insignificant. 

With so many amazing people all in the one room I wondered what on earth was I doing there? 

There were so many people who I knew but didn't really. 

Women who had made my heart go out to them as I read their tales told through their blog. Women who I really wanted to meet and connect further with. Women who I wondered how I could introduce myself to. Women who I wanted to talk to but didn't know how to keep them interested when there were so many other people around.

Hands up if you were one of the few
I felt brave enough to hand one
of these little beauties to?

There were others there that I knew not so well, but hoped for some strange reason they had heard of little ol' me. Not many of them had. 

It was always with great trepidation that I handed out my card. Wondering if the receiver was really interested in getting it at all. 

Which was a shame really because I thought they were such lovely little cards when I posted this to Instagram. In fact I still do think they are so lovely little cards. Which is lucky given how many of them I still have to hand out...

Not for a moment did I think that any of these women might be feeling much the same as me. 

Why would they when they were all clearly full of so much awesome? Why would they when they all seemed to belong there, so much more than me?

When I left to go to the conference, I was adamant that I would walk away much wiser than I went in. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have a positive experience and be richer for it. Despite my lack of confidence when I got there, before arriving I fully expected to be told of my greatness.

Which I was. 

Just not in the way I was expecting. But that's ok.

In fact it is possibly even better.

I have heard first hand how I have made a difference. How my words brought comfort and solace in a time of need. How I made others feel better about themselves. How we can touch people and change them, even without knowing it at the time. All the things I needed, when I needed them most.

As I predicted I will walk away from #DPCON13 a much wiser woman. Not necessarily in terms of great things to do with the blog. But more about me, myself and I. My three favourite topics!

Joining in for all the blogging fun of Tuesday blogging over at Essentially Jess

I must confess I am awesome, or not.

Firstly before I start my confession this week there is something that I need to first admit to. Last week when I saw this week's prompt I thought I would have it in the bag. So much so that I envisaged having this post written long before now. After all I have never held back from sharing the awesomeness of me, even if it is just contained to my own lunchbox.

Since then and now however a week has passed. A week that for me was full of action and adventure. Perhaps in fact too much action and adventure, which right now has left me feeling anything but truly awesome.

As you may or may not be aware, last week saw the Digital Parents Conference for 2013 take place. This year I went out of my way to make sure I was there. I sat back and watched from a distance last year and was not going to do so again. I wanted to be a part of the action.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that spending two days surrounded by a whole heap of people that I don't know is quite overwhelming for this little country bumpkin. I have returned home with a whole range of mixed emotions and a lot of them do not equate to awesome. Which is so incredibly daft, because on more than one occasion beautiful kind hearted people went out of their way to make sure I knew how they felt towards me.

Some of the kindest words ever from Miss Cinders

There were others as well, who said things like they loved how I got them, made them feel at ease and that they felt better for having met and spent time with me. Amazing stuff I tell you. Being told that meeting you made the whole experience of the conference worthwhile really is an awesome thing to hear and I thank those that said it to me. 

Only right now it feels hard to feel awesome. Or even conceive there was a time I was even close to awesome.

Why this is I don't really know and can't really say. I guess we all get filled with self doubt at times and right now I am just overflowing with it.

What I do know though, is that this too will pass and before long I will be once again brimming with awesome and sharing forth said awesomeness. Cause, you know, I am awesome like that.

Make sure you check out more awesome confessions over at My Home Truths

Planes, trains and missing husbands

If sitting at the airport typing away at the airport made me feel like a grown up, sitting on a train on doing it with a hot cup of coffee next to me at stupid o'clock in the morning makes me feel grown up and ultra cool, perhaps even chic. At least on the outside.

On the inside I am a jumbley bumbley mess of nerves.

So much so I can't even think of the right words to be putting in here.

As much as I can't wait to meet my blogging buddies in person, the thought of all those people all in the same room really makes my heart skip a beat or two. I can't help but worry if my clothes, hair, in fact just me in general will be slip seamlessly into the crowd rather than stick out like the sore thumb I feel I am.

Deep down I know that it doesn't really matter. I should just be happy with me as I am, and really I am in so many ways, it's just... ... ... well... ... ... let's face it, everyone wants to be liked.

Only the butterflies swarming in the pits of my stomach are flapping about for much more than just that.

Going to this conference, on my own, without Mr Awesome by my side to hold my hand and tell me all will be ok and to remind me of my awesomeness is a big thing. In fact this whole week away without him is a big thing. He really is my rock and as I realised yesterday pretty much my life line. I really would be lost without him.

fyi as I am typing this my eyes are welling and I am fighting back tears.Why I am not sure. Nor am I sure why I am telling you. Right now it all just feels a bit too much for this little small town girl who feels lost without her husband.

Thank goodness I don't do make up.

This will be the longest time in nearly ten years that we have been apart. I don't really like it. I am surprised actually at how much I don't like it. I also don't like how I don't like it as much as what I do. It makes me feel all dependent and weak. Perhaps I am.

Which I also don't like. It ruins my internal image of me being this brave, strong, independent and I can handle anything type of woman. Deep, deep, down, hidden in some recess of my being though I do know I am that woman when I most need to be.

I can call on her and somehow she will find her way out. And calling on her right now I am.

Fairy wishes & butterfly kisses

A letter to my daughter

Dearest Miss Eleven,

Source

It is only four more sleeps till you will be safely back under my wing. It can not come quickly enough. It feels like forever since you left here. Though the reality is that it has barely been twelve days. Twelve long lingering days where your sisters and I have constantly worn ourselves out to exhaustion. Between long deep sleeps and plenty of activity time seems less of a burden. It starts to pass with more ease in days that are filled with laughter to mask all else.

These times apart are hard for me, your sisters too, but we know that it is just the way it is. In the early days I wondered whether it really was the right thing to do and I must thank your father for being as understanding as what he was about it all. He mostly listened to my worries. I still worry about all kinds of things, I guess it is just what parents do though. Worry about whether or not they have done the right thing and according to who.

Who is to really know or say what is right or wrong about anything these days? All we can do is look into our hearts and trust our gut, cross our fingers and toes and hope for the very best. That is pretty much what gets me by most of the time. I hope it works out the same for you as well.

This is a super big year for you. A super big year for us. This journey that you are on, it is one that we still need to be on together for a long time yet. Please don't shut down and exclude me. I might not get it right all the time but I mean well, my heart is in the right place and I only want the best for you. More than anything, that is always all I am aiming for. The best for you and your interests.

As much as we have missed you though, we have noticed something about your absence. There is a quiet and calm around that we are not sure how often we have seen before. In many ways it is a bit lovely. There has been less yelling and screaming from everyone. I really hope it can stay this way with you here.

There have been some changes while you were gone and they will stay when you come back. Changes to things like screen times and jobs. There is to be less of one and more of the other. Though there are no real surprises there, you were warned before you left of what to expect upon your return. My mind has not changed.

Like I said before, I know this is a big year, and I am here to keep you company and help out where need be. I want to be there for you. Always. I know you think I smoother you, but it is only natural that I want to protect you. As exciting as the world may seem it is not always roses. There are too many nasties out there for one as precious as you.

While middle school may not sound the same as high school, it will certainly have a lot of similarities. I still can't believe that this is the door currently waiting to open. If only there was some way to make you understand the importance of education. What you learn now is actually important. Seriously.

I know that it might be hard to believe but it is true, as rubbish as what you might think they are speaking, you can never learn to much. It is important to stop and listen. Always stop and listen to what is being said around you. There may be times when you don't need to take it on board but always make sure you listen before running away.

Unless it is about boys. Then run away at top speed as fast as you can without listening to a word that is said. There will be plenty of time of boys when you are all grown up and they on their way to being men. For now just have as many wonderful friends as you can and forget totally about kissing, sex or anything of the like.

You are only eleven, yes, yes that's right, I mean nearly twelve.

There is no need to wish you life away. Stop and smell the flowers, blow some bubbles and laugh as much as you can. These really should be some of the best years of your life. Carefree and without worry. Not without study though. You can study and learn but without worry or stress. I know it is cliche but you should try hard at school. In fact you should try hard in all that you do. Always give everything you best go.

My dearest darling first born, there is so much that I want to say. So much that for one reason or another I can't just yet. All in good time I know. For now however rest assured that you are loved and greatly missed when not here with us. Your coming home can not come soon enough.

Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

Mum

#IBOT 

Oh and by the way I have a giveaway 

for a personal planner over here. 

You should enter.

Tank Thursday

In a bid to get some feed back about this little old blog, I asked Mr Awesome if he had anything to share. In my wisdom, I thought that if anyone had some advice on how I could shake things up a bit it was him. After all who knows me better than him?

Let's just say that after the conversation that ensued I kinda wish I hadn't brought it up with him.

The essence of his critique was that I should loosen up a bit and just let go every now and then. Apparently, according to Mr Awesome's wisdom, I am too structured and formal. This applies to both my writing style and the type of posts that I published. I am also too opinionated and my posts feel more like a debate than fodder for a mummy blog.

His first recommendation was to get rid of being thankful on a Thursday. After all who wants to constantly read what you are thankful for? (His words not mine) I was going to point out that I hadn't actually done a thankful Thursday post since November but instead I decided to take all further comments he made with a grain of salt because clearly the regularity of his reading needs to be questioned.

Just as I was about to ask him what I should write about instead of being thankful, he pipped me at the post and said "Tank Thursday" would be a much better option.

"Tank Thursday???" I queried with a bemused look on my face as I sat on the edge of my seat waiting for his ingenious suggestion to be explained further.

"Yeah you know how in the footy last year there were teams accused of 'tanking' their game so they could get a better route to the finals? Do something like that on a Thursday instead of that thankful rubbish" he replied with a look on his face that looked like he had just made the greatest discovery ever.

"Hmmmm, I will take in on board" was about all that I could manage in response.

Mr Awesome then went on to explain that most other mummy bloggers covered topics very differently to me. They seemed to put their own spin on child rearing and it really wouldn't hurt for me to share a bit more about the raising the girls. He even went so far as to say that I should write more about any problems or uncertainties that I have and that way I could ask my readers for advice.

This was right before he started to lecture me on how I don't ask enough open ended questions and give my readers more of an opportunity to interact with me. Ending it with "you know like all the other mummy bloggers do"

At this point I couldn't take any more. I just had to know which mummy bloggers he was a regular reader of, because he was well and truly making himself like somewhat of an expert on the whole topic of mummy blogging.

"Gosh I don't know their names. I just read some the ones that you are friends with and comment on. though that Jess is pretty good" he eagerly responded.

"Yes she is..." I started to say before he cut me off.

"Yeah you should try and write more like her, her writing style is really easy to read, I like it a lot..." He began to babble on. Though I had stopped listening, my pride wounded, I found it hard to take much more in.

He is right of course, Jess is a great writer and always makes for a great read, I just kind of thought I was too. Only every time he spoke he made me feel less and less like it. It's not that he didn't say I wasn't a good writer, in fact quiet the opposite.

According to Mr Awesome my writing is of a too high quality for mummy blogger readers and that I should dumb my writing down if you will.

"Uh huh" was my meek reply. Unsure of how much more I could take. Thankfully though my saviour came in the form of a child inquiring when dinner would be ready. I don't think I have ever jumped up to feed them so quickly.

So dear reader what do you think, should I find a way to create a proper Tank Thursday? Where I get halfway through a post and then throw the rest away yet still publish in the hope of a better final outcome? Or should I just keep plodding along and pretend we never had this conversation?

This rather awesome post is linking in withsomegrace

Things I Know About Getting Older

Source

I know that as you age less means more.  Which doesn't always make sense.  Less alcohol when older seems to mean more of a hangover than when you were younger.

I know that to cater for this change the type of parties that you are invited to tend to change a little.  Where once a party didn't get started till at least 10 pm it is now well and truly over by then.  In fact the preferred party starting time is now somewhere closer to 10 am.

I know that when I thought of this post two days ago (experiencing the greater than expected hangover from less than what I once drank) I had many more funny points to bring up.

I know that after having sat in my draft folder for a very long time I still haven't recalled any of the funny points I originally thought of. In fact I am even starting to question if I had any in the first place. Perhaps my brain was just addled by the alcohol? Thankfully drinking is not something I  do a lot of any more.

I do however know a few not so funny things about getting older that I am only to happy to share though. Which I know you are just ecstatic about ;)

I know that getting older is far more exciting as a child. As a child getting older means reaching new achievements and more new things to discover and learn. Possibilities are endless and hope abounds. While this may still be true our whole life through, once we are older we tend to think more of what should've could've been as we become jaded by past experiences and lessons learnt and sometimes not, along the way.

I know that watching a child get older, particularly when they are your own, is at times bittersweet. For as lovely as it is to watch them grow and learn and experience the wonders of the world there is also a desire to pause and freeze it all. To hold onto the time that is now.

I know that regardless of how old you are it is important to

and not get caught up in the past.

I know that with one girl teetering on the edge of puberty, another with a mouthful gaps and wobbly teeth and the third gaining new words at knots faster than gusty winds I am only to well aware of what it is like watching children getting older. It is happening right before my very eyes.

I know that watching one's children get older is much nicer than watching one's parents get older. The whole cycle of life thing really does go full circle.

Finally I know that I just love joining in with Miss Cinders and the lovely Grace

The dairy is officially closed.

A reopening is not expected. At all. Ever.

I found this photo here. The closed was all me though

The jury is still out on how I feel about it all. Right now due to some ridiculously strong menstrual cramps combined with my no longer ignorable toothache it is hard to feel anything but the discomfort they bring. The cramps only worsened by the fact there is no need for a monthly cycle. My baby making days are over. If only there was a button to turn the biological clock off when ready.

When my next birthday rolls around in March, I will turn thirty five. Not old I know and certainly not too old for some women to have children at. It is however plenty old enough for this woman to declare herself as past child bearing age.

It's not like I haven't already done my part any way. I have had a child to replace Mr Awesome and I as well as a spare. Or one for the country as some might say. There is no need for me to continue to procreate.

Sure I love having babies around the house, they bring with them a certain aurora that is hard to find elsewhere. Only they do grow up. And that is more what concerns me. Babies I can handle. They cry you give them a boob. They don't want the boob, then change the nappy. Still making a noise then cuddle them to they sleep. Easy. No arguments or complaints, it is a time where the simplicity of life is truly embraced. Or at least for me that's how it was.

Not like when they get older and can talk and tell demand the life they see fit for themselves. Or try to argue reason with you till you are both blue in the face. All of this before they have even reached the doorsteps of puberty. My poor little head feels like it is going to explode when I am forced to acknowledge that my eleven year old baby will have finished primary school in just a few short weeks.

How can that be? How did those days years slip by?

Miss Two has taken the closure much better than I expected. She hadn't really indicated any keenness for the relationship to end but I felt the time was right. I selfishly wanted my boobs back. They deserved to be retired from the milking gallery, having served all three girls very well. For which I feel more than blessed.

The first time I was pregnant the only thing I worried about was not being able to breastfeed. To me this starry eyed twenty three year old amazed that my motherhood desire was actually coming true so soon, it was the most important thing ever. Thankfully my concerns were totally unfounded and baby number one took to feeding like a duck to water. We both did.

The next time round was a different story though. While baby number two was keen and appeared to be doing all the right things I was in a world of excruciating pain. The kind of pain that can only come with cracked and bleeding nipples. I couldn't believe I had spent so long looking forward to rekindling the beauty of breastfeeding.

It was the worst thing ever.

Well at least for the first three months. After that I seemed to have toughen up and it suddenly became beautiful. Miss Two was somewhere in between. I had braced myself for so much pain that what I got seemed quite bearable. Jedi mind tricks and all that.

How did you feel when your breastfeeding journey 

came to an end for the very last time?