Poor woe is me

It's late afternoon. The sun is well and truly on her descent for the day. I'm sitting on a chair in the garden trying to soak the last of her diminishing rays. The gentle breeze blowing by does not aid in my quest.

My eyes are red and burning. The residual sting of earlier tears lingering longer than I care for.

One dear customer left me with this today

I cried at work today.

On the checkouts.

While serving customers.

It took nearly four customers till I could pull myself together. I wasn't a complete blubbering mess but I know there was pain in my eyes that they could not help but to see.

My mind was doing the cruelest of things to me. It was so mean and hurtful, yet I know that in a bizarre twisted way it was meant with kindness and love.

Not that, that really makes it ok.

As much as I always hope for the best, I often prepare for the worst. A kind of safety net I guess. That's what was happening today.

I'm waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview from last week. It's still with the same company, just a different position and most definitely a promotion. I hate hearing myself say it, but if I'm brutally honest there is a part of me that thinks I deserve this. Actually brutal honesty is to admit that I think I should have just been offered the position.

So you see my quandary?

To not be given this will be devastating. I have worked hard and I know I am the right person for the job. To be told I'm not will be akin to being told I am useless. It's like I'm already mourning because my stupid head got sick of waiting for the outcome to be revealed. On the upside though at least I now feel like I might be able to cope with the direst of outcomes. Nothing could be worse than what I have put myself through today.

An admission

I've been sitting here for over half an hour with the intention of writing. I no sooner opened the laptop and my procrastination went into overdrive. There were emails to be read, government agencies to check in with and old posts that kept grabbing my attention.

Thankfully I became aware of my predicament and was able to swiftly take action.

It is not easy mind you.

My mind, as always, is racing all over the place.

In a bid to avoid going completely numb as the early stages of what feels like hyperthermia set my body has taken shivering to Olympic Games levels. 

Which if I were to be sitting outside in the middle of winter I could understand. 

But I am not. 

I am sitting outside as the first month of summer draws to an end. Since when did 13.3 degrees and dropping become an approved summer's night temperature?

So why am I sitting outside when it is ridiculously cold I hear you ask.

Well that is a very good question, sadly with not the greatest of answers. 

About this time last year I started smoking again.

Yeah, terrible I know. It was only meant to be one, and then only one packet and then only for one month and now only for one year. I have to do whatever it takes to stop. 

The me day that wasn't

Today was supposed to be a me day.

A most perfect place for a bit of me time.

I had thought that I was on top of everything. You know, all the housework was out the way, washing under control and the majority of the dishes done and dusted. Leaving little old me free to do as I please. Free to write, or crochet, or sleep or whatever my little heart desires.

Sure there were more useful things I could have done, like clean out the pantry, the floors always need sweeping and all the rest of it. But all such things didn't have to be done if I didn't want to do them. I had thought that there was enough general order and things done, that I could let a few things slide and take the time to focus on me.

Only somewhere along the line I have somehow found endless crappy things to do. Turns out the only the way the washing was under control was if that meant spread all over the laundry floor with what appears to be half the local beach or school sand pit. Hard to tell the difference really, all I know is that there is sand everywhere and there shouldn't be.

From there I got asked to work later which made me start prepping dinner super early which meant I was alerted to the fact that the kitchen is almost in a state of disrepair. Apparently the aftermath of breakfast was more severe than I realised.

And then...

As if this wasn't all enough, I remember the play date that Teapot has lined up with a new friend who's mother I don't really know and will therefore invite in for coffee which means really I should make a bit of an effort to hide my lack of housekeeping enthusiasm.

Oh the sighing.

Interview with a Blogger

Well actually it is an interview with me. Which I guess doesn't make the title inaccurate, just a little  weird because I imagine you are wondering why on earth I would interview myself. Well I haven't. I have however been going through some old files on Mac and the following just happened to be uncovered. For the life of my I can't recall who was so kind to be interviewing me but I am sure it would have made my day.

Because I have nothing better to do
(bahahaha yeah right there are a thousand other things I should be doing right now)
it made perfect sense to create a collage of me from July 2013

The file was last modified on 7pm 9th July 2013. Even though it is only two and a half years ago it feels like a lifetime ago. We would have still been back in Darwin, somehow managing to squeeze into a two bedroom townhouse. Our adventure of a lifetime (which fyi I struggle to write without a #) was still just a pipe dream that was edging closer with every day. With 376 days till our actual departure day I am pretty sure that on this particular day it was still just that, a pipe dream.

But I am digressing.

As I am furiously procrastinating at the moment as well as desperate from some blog fodder, turning the interview into a blog post seemed like a natural progression.

So with out further ado here is an interview with 2013 me.

Name: Rhianna

Blog: A Parenting Life

Blog address: http://www.aparentinglife.com

Blurb about you/your blog: 

Sharing the ups and downs on the road of life as one mother dreams of writing fame. Hoping for the best, forgetting the worst and making the best of come what may. A light hearted look into being a SAHM that wants to fill the world with fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

If you could have named yourself when you were born, what would youhave called yourself? Uhmmm, probably Rhianna, because seriously it is one of the coolest names ever. I have always loved my name. I was 26 before I met another Rhianna and that just makes me feel all kinds of special.

You have won 1 million dollars, but you can only buy ONEthing with it – yes a single item- the rest has to be given away to ONEcharity…. What ONE thing would you buy, and what ONE charity would you donate the rest of the funds to? 

A house and if there were by chance any left over I would donate it to the Love Your Sister campaign. I wish that I could be selfless and say I would just buy a chocolate bar and donate the rest but a house really would be wonderful. I am fairly certain I could find something to live in for around $750,00 and then donate the rest.

Show us the messiest bit of your house as it looks right now 

Seriously! That would mean getting up getting my phone then waiting for the photo to upload to the photo stream and in between all of that I will more than likely get distracted and forget what I am doing and never send this back. I

Could you live the rest of your life never eating your favourite food again… ever? Yep. I can't even think what my favourite food is right now. I am of the opinion that any and all food is good food and if it is in front of me it is my favourite.

You have passed over into the afterlife, you have no choice but to be reincarnated…. You get to choose between two things, unfortunately the choice is between being a flea or a cockroach. Which one would you choose? 

A cockroach for sure. Those things have more lives than cats and can get into anything. Oh the fun you could have.

Show us your favourite pair of shoes 

Favourite pair of what? I live in the tropics, it is thongs or barefoot. Having said that I love my runners

What song can you not help but sing every single time you hear it? 

Dumb ways to way

If aliens do exist, and if they are watching the human race right now, what do you think they’d be thinking about us? 

Not a lot.

Would you wear a onsie out in public? 

Why not?

And lastly, but not at all leastly… Does the tooth fairy really exist? 

Of course she does. In fact my seven year old told me just the other day that when she grows up she is going to be the tooth fairy.

------------

And there you have it. An insight into what I was like way back in 2013. This procrastination post has given me all kinds of adventures and taken me to all sorts of places on my blog. It made for quite a rabbit hole experience which made me think I should probably go and join in with Ultimate Rabbit Hole gals

Trying to get it all worked out

Two weeks ago I made the impulsive decision to return to writing over at A Parenting Life. Without a second to spare I had changed my Facebook page name to Rhianna Writes about A Parenting Life and was ready to rock and roll. Or at least write and write.

It was the last day of 2015 and it seemed only fitting to start the new year with a return to the past with a bit of a fresh new twist.

Ok, perhaps when it is worded like that it doesn't seem as fitting but the decision was made nonetheless and off I went.

So here I am, two weeks into 2016 and still none the wiser as to how I am going to make myself write more.

All the sighing.

When Mr Awesome returned from Darwin, complete with my beloved iMac carefully wrapped in his suitcase complete with a voice to text program I have been waiting some twelve months to try I was adamant that words would begin to flow from me like much like the monsoonal downpour on a topical island. 

Obviously that is not quite how things have panned.

Sure I could easily blame school holidays or work or an endless list of dismal excuses, but really they are just that. Pathetic dismal excuses that are just a cop out for being lazy or scared or whatever it is that is making me hold myself back. 

My brain is currently in overdrive trying to balance out the quandary of desperately wanting to be a writer yet constantly putting the effort to write in the too hard basket.

It just makes no sense. At all.

More sighing.

Thankful to be getting my groove back

For regular readers playing along you would be only too well aware of the fact that the old Thankful Thursday posts have been a bit few and far the past month. Thankfully it has not really been because I couldn't find anything to be thankful for but more so I have just been flat out and unable to make the time to sit down and blog.

This week however, a change has come over and somehow I have found myself with a little more time on my side. Which I must say has been all kinds of lovely. For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel like, at least for the moment, I may actually have my act together. And it feels incredibly awesome.

What also feels incredibly awesome, and also a little strange, is that I feel more like me than I have for the longest time as well. The strange part is that I didn't even realise I had stopped feeling like me, but I must have because right now I am almost overwhelmed with how much I currently feel like me. And boy does it feel good.

I guess the fact that I am sitting here, in my bra and shorts so the purple hair dye I just put on doesn't stain my top rather than doing dinner preparations is testament to just how me I am feeling. It is has only just gone past lunch time so there is still plenty of time for dinner to be prepared, I just wanted it out the way as I have my first bootcamp session this afternoon.

But back to being thankful.

This week I am thankful for

* timing my shopping at the same time there were heaps of meat specials. I was able to pick up a whole week's worth of meat at half price
* having had some dear family members come and visit for a few weeks
* being able to take said family members to the Valley of the Giants and hang out in the big trees for a few days
* weekend sport having come to an end
* warm and sunny weather. My pasty white legs love being in shorts
* finding a surprise flower growing in my garden
* having some writing I didn't like being well received. Though part of stupid brain keeps saying people are just being too kind
*getting some blogging mojo back

What about you?

What are you thankful for? 

Do share, leave a comment or if you have blog write a post.

An InLinkz Link-up

Just putting it out there

It is a most beautiful early spring morning. Early in spring rather than actually early in the morning mind you. The kids have all been deposited at school, well The Little Two have been, The Teenager is still at home in bed. She has been unwell for a week or so now though she assures me she is going to school today just after the first period. Normally I would be fighting with her and pushing her to go but today I just don't have it in me. Not when her body desperately needs to rest.

Instead I have brought myself here. 

There is coffee and a gentle breeze. Though the gentle breeze I could almost do without. While the sun may be shining there is little warmth in her golden rays. 

My ears are filled with the sounds of birds calling img and singing out to one another. Willy wagtails and ducks are the only ones I can name though. The others flitter about in the tops of the tress making me unable to identify them. I manage to catch a quick glimpse of a very small olive green bird. The colours similar to one we saw at Warren National Park earlier in the year. Mr Writes said they were called a silver eye on account of their brilliant silver eyes. I can't remember now whether I took his word or checked in the book. 

It feels funny calling home Mr Writes now. He hasn't stopped being awesome just with the new blog and all I thought perhaps new names for us all was in order as well. 

Sigh. 

Not that it really matters I guess. 

I've had to leave my beautiful spot and start heading back towards home. My day is awaiting. 

When I first sat down and started writing this I thought it was going to be about how as much as I love being here I still don't really feel like I fit in. It's hard to find someone like me.

I mean I don't want them to be just like me because I love being unique, but just someone similar. You know, they like to write, have kids the same age, don't have to work every day...surely that's not too much to ask is it? If they liked to go for a run every now and then that would be even better. 

Just putting it out there

Joining in with Alicia for Open Slather 

I will make them come, the words that is.

As another Monday night slowly slips on by I am rather thankful to have had my laptop gently resting on my lap. While I may not have managed to get out any words as yet it has done a fantastic job of warming me up. It is fair to say the novelty of winter is wearing off.

When last we met I mentioned how the words are not exactly coming easy to me. They still aren't but I refuse to just walk away. I really want to be a writer. I want my words to make a difference. To me and possibly even those that do not know me.

I know that I said life hasn't really been tough lately, but it has. Sure my tough is not as tough as what I know others are doing it, which is why I tried to dismiss it as not being tough, but at the end of the day it is all relative.

Most of my toughness revolves around Lovely. She manages to challenge me in ways I never imagined possible. These challenges often leave me feeling somewhat shattered and even broken. Not to mention like a complete failure as a parent.

Since I am trying to move away from the whole parent blogging thing none of it are things I want to discuss here. Which is kinda sucky because if I don't discuss things here I don't really have anywhere to discuss things. Tis a sad and lonely life I lead at times.

Actually in all seriousness though I have realised that my shortage of people to discuss things at length with is probably related to my inability to make the words come out here. Before when I was regularly talking to a wide range of people, especially one or two that were fellow bloggers, ok so just the one really but whateves, my inclination to write was a lot higher.

The thoughts that flowed through the chasms of my mind seemed to stick around long enough to actually turn into coherent words. Whereas now, my interaction with fellow adults is so limited on account of still not really knowing anyone all my thoughts seem to bounce on by before I have the chance to work out exactly what they may mean.

The weirdest part of all of this is that I never before realised my need to talk to people. In fact, I had always thought I was somewhat of a recluse but perhaps not.

Anyway for now all that matters is I have rambled on long enough for this to be a blog post. A blog post that can be published on a Tuesday so I can join in with all the fun and games of IBOT with EssentiallyJess. Yay!

Making the words come out

Life feels like it has been particularly hard of late. It hasn't been mind you. It just feels that way.

My life is one that is full of so many blessings I often feel that I should never complain. I have the most wonderful husband, three amazing daughters, a roof over our head and there is always good on the table. Essentially all our needs are met, yet there often feels like something is missing. 

Something I just can't seem to put my finger on which makes it rather difficult to locate. 

With Teapot at school now my days are free for me to fill as I see fit. One could be mistaken for thinking that meant our home is meticulously kept and words are constantly flowing from my fingertips since I have an abundance of time to sit and write. 

For the most part I guess the house is in relative order. Words however, have never failed me more than now. 

I have a terrible case of stage fright and writer's block. Which is essentially just another way to say I am filled with self doubt and fear. 

Last week I finally managed to pull out my dodgy manuscript and start re typing it. In a bizarre twist of fate I have lost all digital copies but was able to locate printed copy as we packed up for #ouradventureofalifetime last year. 

Naturally I brought it with us. I thought while we were on the road would be a perfect time to rewrite and edit it. Naturally I was grossly mistaken. I pulled it out once at the end of October and feebly attempted to look at it while supervising the kids as they swum.

The same thing happened to me then as it did last week. As my eyes tried to make sense of the words before my body contracted and cringed.

Whatever was I thinking? Wanting to be a writer...

Oh the sighing.

Diving on in

Well as of today it is official. 

A Parenting Life is no more. 

Well it it technically still is still open for viewing but I will no longer be posting there. From here on in all new posts will appear here. Which is a bit exciting, and a little scary.

It is exciting because a fresh start is always exciting. It is a little bit scary because I have not had a chance to set up everything here just like I would like to. Mind you after nearly three months of waiting to set things up just right I am starting to wonder if I would ever actually get around to it.

So here I am, with things not quite right. 

Instead they are a little rough around the edges and not anything like perfect. Much like myself. Which I guess is in many ways incredibly fitting.

So here we are. 

A brand new blog just waiting to be filled with all my words of wisdom.

Sadly though my words of wisdom have been failing me of late. As I mentioned a little while ago back on APL, I have been struggling to come to terms with some of the changes we have been faced with lately which has in turn meant my words have slowed.

Sigh.

I am hoping though that has all come to an end now though. 

Mind you if I keep trying to blog while watching TV that may possibly never happen. Mr Awesome thoughtfully decided to cancel our Netflix subscription on account of being able to access Presto free for six months via our new fang dangled Telstra T Box. Which may on some levels sound particularly cool on account of being able to watch Presto without it counting towards our monthly download limit but since Presto doesn't have How I Met Your Mother it is actually quite a let down.

Since I haven't been able to continue with my How I Met Your Mother marathon I decided to begin a My Name is Earl marathon. Well not at marathon as such but more a it is late at night and I need some background noise situation. I (wrongly) thought that My Name Is Earle would not be a distraction to my writing on account of already having seen so many episodes.

As much as I may have watched so many episodes in the past, I had forgotten how much the show warmed my heart.

It probably comes as no surprise that I love the idea of doing things to right wrongs and making life better whenever you can. There really are so many lessons to be learnt from such shows. Lessons that if it wasn't ridiculous o'clock at night I would possibly be able to go into more detail. 

However it is crazy o'clock on Tuesday morning and I have blogged so I can share with all the #IBOT gang

Where nobody knows your name

Back home, before we started #ouradventureofalifetime, I had not lived anywhere else. For thirty six years I lived in the one city. Which meant I knew a lot of people.

In my much younger years I worked in one of the most well known shops in town and partied like there was no tomorrow. Which meant a lot of people knew who I was as well.

Which was kinda cool. It left me feeling a bit like a rock star. People were forever saying hi or giving me a smile as they walked by. It felt good.

Even after I had left that job, stopped partying and started to grow up and become a mum, I still felt like I knew lots of people. There would be no ducking down to the shops without making sure my clothes were at least somewhat respectable because what if I saw someone I knew?

Not that I was full face of make up kind of person or even anything remotely like that, but the full of holes house clothes were exactly that, for the house. Certainly not for wearing to the shops regardless of how quick I thought I was going to be.

Nearly fifty percent of all shopping trips took longer than they should of because I would inevitably bump into someone I knew and got chatting with. Now the check out operators look at me strangely as I try to make conversation with them as they pack my groceries. If I don't my whole day could pass without adult conversation.

It's a funny thing moving to a new place where you know no one. Or at least next to no one. I can count on one hand the people that I know where we now live. Which obviously makes the chances of me running into anyone at the shops somewhere between none and buckleys.

Which in some ways is not a bad thing.

Yesterday I procrastinated on going to the shops despite desperately needing some milk. I just couldn't face getting out of my house clothes. And thats when it dawned on my that it really didn't matter if I went to the shops in my daggier than daggy house clothes and double pluggers because I am just another face in the crowd that nobody knows.

Mind you as I was wandering around the shops gathering my milk and things (because it is impossible to go to the shops and only get what you went for) I walked past a lady who was also clearly wearing her house clothes. Only she had taken it one step further than I and was wearing socks with her thongs. And was clearly not phased in the least by what anyone might have thought. 

Her partner sheepishly pushing the trolley a little behind her perhaps not so much but again that seemed of little concern to sock and thong wearing lady.

Because at the end of the day what others think, whether they know you or not, is not what matters or counts. As longs as we are comfortable in what we wear or what we do or what we say that is all that matters.

Joining in with Alicia for Open Slather