It's been a while...

Actually it has been more than a while since I last tried to share here. Well over a year in fact. And a for a long time before that I only only shared sporadically. I stopped feeling like I belonged here. It no longer felt like my space.

I did try and create new spaces but they didn't really feel right either. For a very long time it felt like I didn't belong anywhere. And by anywhere I don't just mean the online world. I was also having troubles fitting into the real world.

Truth be told I'm still a little scared about where I do belong but there is a louder voice yelling out to me that says of course I belong here so just write. So that's what I'm going to do.

Life is it's usually busyness. However it is filled with mundane everyday occurrences so it also seems there is a lot of nothingness. 

Working nights for the last two years has taken quite a toll on me. Which is something I have only recently discovered and I was quite frankly taken by surprised by.

Thankfully the universe had my back and the planets aligned so that a more day based position became available when I needed it most. A chance to learn a new department and do something different is always welcomed in my book.

So what else have I been up to I hear you ask?

Well, not a lot really. That is part of the toll that two year of working nights has taken. I was so burnt out and tired from only four to five hours sleep in a twenty four hour period I had no energy to do anything of interest. Life has merely been a case of putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that eventually I would get somewhere.

Somehow I have managed to squeeze regular exercise into almost daily life. It is probably fair to say that I am fitter than ever before. April saw me run my first half marathon. Sunday just gone saw me run my second. I may not have broken any land speed records, but I didn't come last either. I also didn't actually prepare for either event I just hoped that my body was up to it. Thankfully it was.

I did it! I’m not gunna lie, I found the last 6km super hard. So much harder than I remember from last time. On the upside though I somehow managed to shave a few minutes off. Not as many as I would have liked but I’m still pretty happy. After last week’s 10km I was adamant that next year I would run a full marathon. Right now I’m not so sure. Maybe I will settle for putting in some proper training for the half and see if I can go faster. #timewilltell #runrhiannarun #bunburysurftosurf

A post shared by Rhianna Writes (@rhiannasrambles) on Oct 14, 2017 at 9:21pm PDT

My brain fluctuates from having so much to say to complete emptiness in micro seconds.

Obviously it is currently in the complete emptiness stage.

Lovely is messaging me. Demanding if I want more help around the house I need to buy new furniture. That child drains me so some days. 

No wonder my mind is blank.

I promise I'll be back soon

Getting out there

Earlier today I was out wandering the streets and somehow managed to write a rather long Instagram post. Which I must admit, it felt rather cool. My brain felt like it was slowly returning to life as I once knew it. Where I only had to think about starting a new blog post and before I knew it words would spew forth at knots seen only on the stormiest of seas.

I had more ideas in that half hour walk to school and back than I have had in a whole year. Or at least that was how it felt. Mind you fitting all them into one little Instagram post was beyond impossible.

Oh hi there! I'm Rhianna and it is so nice to see you stop by. 

Though I know heaps of you already know that but I just wanted to introduce 

myself to any newbies that might have joined me. 

Anyways I am currently locked out of my house and therefore roaming the streets in the search of keys. 

Not that I really need to search as such because I pretty much know exactly where they are. 

Hiding in Zany's school bag (which is naturally with her at school). 

Which is exactly where I told her to put them this morning. I just didn't realise I would be going home this early. 

It's all good though because I was meant to get up early and go for a run but I didn't. So this will kind of make up for that. 

I would have run down here had it not been for the fact I was wearing old crappy sneakers 

that hurt last time I wore them running. 

My particularly #awesome #pt #fishlockedjo has given me a little workout session to do so 

I will bang that out as soon as I get home. 

Changing the topic slightly, can you see that white van in the background? Looks suspiciously dodge to me. Agree? Originally this post was supposed to be about that van 

but I got so busy rambling away I am now totally side tracked. 

On another side note hands up who knew I once had a blog called Rhianna's Random Rambles 

but I changed it because I thought it was to long and ramble?

 Anyways for a micro blogging platform I am pretty sure this post has gone on for far too long. 

Which is kind of a good thing because it means words are finally flowing for me which has not happened for a while now. Maybe it's time for a(nother) new name?

For example I never got to explain how uncomfortable I was sharing that particular image of myself because I didn't like the look of my chin and neck. But it was the only photo in which I would have had the white van in there as I didn't think of having it photo bomb my photo until it was nearly out of sight.

So I stuck with the photo that made me slightly uncomfortable to look at because I knew no one other than me would think ill of it. Plus I really wanted to show off my pretty braids. I was expecting to be doing some grubby yucky work today so I thought it best to keep my hair neatly out the way. I didn't think anything of it till I bumped into a man I met early last year. He was with some mutual friends who went to introduce us but I told them there was no need. Turns out there was though because apparently having my hair done in such a fancy way made me unrecognisable from last year.

Having the white van in the image was important because I wanted to talk about how judgey I felt thinking it was up to no good or perhaps even watching someone who was up to no good. Because obviously a white van like that is either an undercover surveillance or criminals. People don't just have big white vans with super dark tint because they like it.

A new day is dawning

After nearly six months of laying here dormant I have decided to to reinstate this little corner of the interwebs. For one reason or another Rhianna Writes just hasn't taken off like I expected it too. I had expected that I was going to be writing more fiction but that just hasn't happened.

I am still not really sure what is going to happen I just know that having this space back is a move in the right direction.

Thankful Thursday

The past few days have been particularly hard going here. As I mentioned on Tuesday we have just celebrated the one year mark since we left home. It has brought about a lot of mixed emotions that we have all had a lot of trouble dealing with. Combined with the return to school for term three stress levels have reached an all time high.

Actually that is not completely true.

The Little Two are super happy to be back at school. They both have a love of learning and are excited to be hitting the books once more. Which is incredibly wonderful and something I am eternally thankful for. I hope that it is something that stays with them for life. More than anything I long for the girls to what to be life long learners. Having a desire to learn is the most important aspect to learning.

Lovely however is a completely different story. There is no love or even the slightest desire to learn within that child. In fact as far as she is concerned school is merely a social occasion.

Sigh.

All of that is for another post though.

Back to the thanks.

In one of my hardest days in well over a year. One that I was left feeling mentally battered and bruised from the joys of parenting a teen, I received the most lovely little golden envelope in the mail.

The most ever lovely Tasha over at Of crochet & life sent me the most gorgeous little love hearts for no reason other than she wanted to make me smile. Which it most certainly did. In a huge way in fact. I am so thankful that someone could think to do such a lovely thing for little old me.

Other thanks this week include

* Finding some awesomely cheap yet tasty wine

* Finding some cheap but very beautiful and lovely to drink from wine glasses

(yes I do notice a slight trend but if you had lived my week you would be slightly wine obsessed as well)

* A secret stash of chocolate

* A most lovely long run, that included all three of my favourite spots

* Being able to get this post written well before first thing Thursday morning. Given that school is back and I have to work trying to tap something out in the morning just probably wouldn't be a wise or feasible idea.

What about you? What are some of the things you are thankful for this week?

An InLinkz Link-up

Coming to terms with the changing of the times

As much as possible I like to look forward rather dwell on what happened in the past. After all the past is gone and done. It has happened and can’t be changed, so why waste time thinking about it for too long?

The past few days however it has been easier said than done. Yesterday being the hardest of all.

My mind is currently in overdrive trying to come to terms with the difference between now and twelve months ago. So much so that finding the right words to explain it all just makes me head hurt even more.

This time last year we were finally hitting the road and beginning #ouradventureofalifetime. We were filled with excitement of the unknown of the open road and whatever lay ahead. A new life was waiting to be discovered and we couldn’t wait to get discovering. 

Well a new life for the next twelve months lay ahead of us. 

The plan was to take twelve months to do our lap and then return to normal life.

We all know about plans and the best of intentions though.

Twelve months later and we have returned to normal life, just not as we once knew it. We went from being on #ouradventureofalifetime where it felt like we were living each day to the fullest to what feels like just scraping by under the pretence of #oursouthwestadventure.

Sure there is still a hashtag and our life in the South West is in some ways completely difference to that of our life back in the Top End, namely the temperature, but there are also too many similarities. Far too many similarities.

The rigmarole of school each and every day. The having Mr Awesome go to work each and every day. The cleaning, the washing. The mundaneness of daily life. The feeling of surviving rather than actually living.

I just don’t like it.

At all.

And that makes me sad.

Life is too precious to be living an unhappy life. Each day deserves to have the most made of it whether you are actively adventuring or not. At the end of the day life itself should be the adventure.

Yesterday, the last day of the school holidays after our first term back at school in nearly twelve months we went adventuring. Sure there was also some shower scrubbing and washing to be done before we left but once I was out in amongst the trees and driving alongside a river nothing else seemed to matter. Not even the fact that it was a particularly wet and miserable winter’s day.

Life it is for living. 

Procrastination and whining at it's best

My Mum arrives this afternoon, which really  means the last thing I should be doing is sitting here trying to write. Which naturally just makes me want to write even more. There are still floors to mop, washing to fold and put away, beds to make, teenagers to convince to give up their bedroom for a bit. You know all the usual stuff.

Before I had the brilliant idea to write I had the even more ingenious idea to start a little blanket for the bird. Because, well, it is cold here and surely she must be feeling it as much as us. The fact that she keeps trying to crawl inside socks the girls so kindly leave laying all over the place is possibly testament to that.

Unfortunately though I when I walked away from my ball of wool to see to whatever child was having a problem five minutes ago the bird saw it as a prime opportunity to run off with my ball of wall. She deftly managed to drag it under the couch before I returned. I didn’t have the heart to pull it away from her.

After three months of not being on the road I guess life is well and truly settled into a new normality. I am still not exactly how much I like it. Not necessarily because we are here, I think I would feel the same regardless of where we are. It is just the whole being stopped thing that I am not a fan of.

Sigh.

Oh so much sighing.

I have just discovered that my coffee cup is empty. 

Oh the tragedy!!!

In my current apathetic state of mind I feel completely unable to do anything about it as well. I may also have made a promise to myself that I the moment I leave the comfort and safety of my arm chair I will actually do something productive. A promise I really don’t want to break.

Back to sighing.

Below the surface

As I walked back to my car this morning after the morning drop I passed another mother. She was calling out goodbye to her eldest daughter while juggling a little baby and waiting for the middle child to finish eating what looked like a piece of toast. Though it could also have been a pikelet from the school canteen.

They were late and the mother looked rushed and frazzled. I gave her a smile and said hi as I walked past. Partly because I recognised her daughter from Teapot's class and partly because I knew only too well mornings like I imagined she had just been through.

You know the ones, the kids won't get out of bed and when they sit down to eat their breakfast it turns out the milk container is empty, not that it matter because the kids probably had no intention of actually eating breakfast anyway. From there you move on to getting dressed and they can't find their shoes, or their socks, or a clean pair of knickers or anything that they need. The lunch boxes didn't get unpacked from the day before and when you go to make the sandwich you discover that the bread is in fact mouldy and quite possibly the ham has a slight green tinge to it.

And if none of that is enough you are trying to operate on less than two hours sleep because the baby is teething and woke every half hour to tell you about it. Oh and it is cold, so cold you couldn't blame the kids for not wanting to get out of bed and beginning what seems like another awful day.

As I passed her though and in one quick glance assumed what her morning had been like based on my on previous experiences, it dawned on me just how different things are for me now.

It turns out all those well meaning "it will get better" comments that are thrown at mothers with young children do possibly hold some truth. I momentarily contemplated offering such words to this mum, but then I remembered how much I wanted to stab eyeballs with a fork when they were kindly directed towards me so I refrained.

You see when you in the throws of barely staying afloat and each moment of each day is a struggle just to get through, the last thing you want or need is some well meaning words from a woman who on the surface appears to have everything all under control.

Which when I stopped to think about it for a moment I would quite appear to be such a person.

Mount Foldme slowly taking
over the dining room table

For the first time in my fourteen years of mothering I am regularly sleeping all night without being woken up by a child. It is the most amazing feeling ever! Especially since rather than sit up blogging all night I am going to bed at a respectable time.

School starts so much later here that we actually manage to get to school on time rather than our regular ten minutes late prior to #ouradventureofalifetime. Again a rather awesome feeling. As is getting lunches made because suddenly the mornings feel to have so much more time and I am more rested than ever before.

It is all a weird feeling, this being on top of things. Even if it is only on the surface.

For as much as I might not be late to school or wake up feeling rested or have  baked yet more yoghurt dough products (which weren't as good as my last batch I might add) we can't actually eat at the dining room table because it is covered in clothes patiently waiting to be folded.

The tissue box in question

What's worse is that as I just went to snap that photo I discovered that the bird has totally destroyed the end of the box of tissues that I was supposed to take to school a fortnight ago. And to top it all off because I stopped to chat to a friend that popped over and write this post dinner preparation has not been done and there are a million things that need to be done after school pickup that will prevent me from doing it then.

Sigh.

On the upside though it is Tuesday and I have blogged.

Joining Jess and the IBOT gang

Thankful to be connected

It was about nine thirty last night when I sat down to write today's thankful post. I got as far as opening the laptop and a new pages document. I then stared at the blank page for all of two seconds before deciding I couldn't not face the torture of trying to blog with slower than slow internet. Total first world problem I know.

My intention was to get up this morning and quickly write something up while I had my coffee before the school rush started. I got as far as saying how I wished I could be thankful for having and ADSL internet connection. Only it wasn't quite in the spirit of Thankful Thursday so I decided to be a responsible mother and get everyone sorted for school. I sure do surprise myself at times.

Upon returning home from school drop of I was beyond delighted to discover that the highly anticipated ADSL was in fact now connected. Thankful doesn't even begin to explain how I was feeling.

Once again I surprised myself though, and rather than delve into the interwebs and neglect my housewife duties I started a long awaited update on the laptop and got to getting the housework out the way. Something I am pretty thankful for right now because it means I have been able to spend all afternoon guilt free flicking between writing this and scrolling through the Bunbury Bidding Wars page to see if there are any other bargains I can score for our new home.

Other and slightly more random thanks this week includes

• reading that the lovely Miss Cinders feels a little better
• discovering all these dinner suggestions
• the girls all appearing to have settled into their new schools relatively easily, though 'twas not without a tear or two
• Lovely having a great time at hockey and soccer, doing new things among people she does not know well is something she finds a little tough sometimes (don't we all?)
• children that sleep in their own beds
• making time to exercise

Oh and how could I forget the thing I am probably the most thankful for right now? Mr Awesome started a new job on Monday!!

What about you? What are you thankful for? 

An InLinkz Link-up

Time to be strong mum

"Ok time for mum to be strong, give you a kiss and get going now" the teacher said to me and Teapot as we sat on the mat trying to not be teardrops.

Try as we might though the tears were unavoidable. Her more so than me but there were certainly stain marks on my cheeks by the time I made it out to the car. 

After five years of constantly being by each other's sides it is only to be expected that we both greeted today with hesitation. Especially since recent years have seen me lose complete faith in the education system and the notion that we should send our children off to be institutionalised and the earliest possible moment.

The offending forgotten lunchbox

Upon arriving home to quickly pick up Lovely and start getting her uniform sorted and have a tour of the school I discovered that somehow I had neglected to put poor little Teapot's lunch box in her bag.

I kid you not.

I had one job. To make lunch and put it in their bags. Not hard really, yet somehow I managed to fail the final step. FFS.

Thankfully school is an incredibly short distance away and I had plenty of time to stealthily return to the school and slip it in before any one was any the wiser of my short comings.

Her teacher seems absolutely delightful. A softly spoken woman who took the time to call me at recess to let me know Teapot had settled in just fine. Such a kind and thoughtful gesture my eyes started to leak once again. Ridiculously sensitive and overly emotional I know. Talk about feeling guilty about all the horrid words I thought of her when she was telling me it was time to leave.

My mind is still boggling at the fact that we have suddenly stopped living on the road and are now buckling down to a life of normality. Moreso that normality involves me being at home alone. It's a weird feeling after fourteen years of always having a child by your side.

All that time to myself. Whatever will I do? What would you do?