Just killing time and getting words out

 Not gunna lie, not really sure what it is I have to say right now. 

In all honestly I'm here purely because my phone has gone flat and I'm not really sure what else to do. 

Sure there's dishes and washing and all that regular mundane shit of life that is patiently waiting to be tended t,o but its the dying moments of my time off so there is Buckley's chance of me actually tending to it.

We have just had Mr Awesome's family come and visit. It was the best ten days I've had in a long time.  It's weird how I've never really missed being with family, until they have come to visit.

Since it has been so long since we have had family with us we decided to take the entire time off and make it a holiday for us all. We spent a few nights up in the big smoke of Perth and then headed south down to Denmark for the majority of the trip. It really was the best time ever.

I really wanted to insert some photos of our trip in here now but technology has gotten the better of me and I can't. Obviously all my photos are on my phone and while I have iCloud and shared Apple ID's the photos are for whatever reason not available on the laptop on which I am currently using. FML

I remember a time when I was a technical superstar and could sort all this type of stuff out. Apparently though those days of yesteryear have left me behind and it is now all neatly parcelled in the 'too hard basket'. Again FML

This was again brutally bought to my attention when Google kindly informed me that some part of my website is not indexed properly and therefore needs my attention. Given they said this was a non critical issue and I have no idea what they are talking about, I'm currently walking around going la-la-la and paying it no attention. Which means if you are actually reading this, kudos to you.

Unfortunately I am now getting notifications from the laptop saying my battery is about to run out, if only it knew on how many levels that was appropriate.

So much I want to say but for whatever reason the words are just not coming.

I've added some random photo because according to my old blogging days all posts must have a photo.

Who's story is it any way?

 The concept of being in the story as opposed to owning is a tough one to navigate. 

Where is the line between owning the story as yours to tell and merely being a supportive actor playing their role?

I think that perhaps this is the reason, or at least one of them, as to why I feel like I have lost my voice, so to speak, or rather why my blogging days have somewhat ceased to exist. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still desperately want to be a writer. It’s just I no longer feel to be able to… you know… actually… write…

I don’t necessarily subscribe to the I can’t write about my children because they are people in their own right ideology but I have certainly become more conscious of how I portray people, not just my children, when I write. Who’s story am I actually telling?

There was a time where I never stopped to think about the fact that sometimes the story I wanted to tell was not my story to tell. 

Sometimes you might think you are part of the story, and maybe you are…

…but that still doesn’t make it your story to tell.

It has been a hard lesson to learn and not one that was quick and easy to learn. Even now I’m not sure how to navigate it and decipher what should and shouldn’t be shared. After all, being on the internet in any shape or form is not without it’s own conflicts. 

For those playing along at home who have been regular readers over my 10 plus years here, the young whipper snappers are now 21, 16 and 12. 

Pretty crazy really when you think about it. 

We are currently up in Perth for a few days enjoying the joy of having family visit. 

Somehow I managed to convince the not so little girls to come for a midnight swim on the beach. Sure it was only for a total of 2 minutes but is was invigorating and fun. And cold. After all spring has only just sprung. 

But I’m so so so glad we did it. 

After all life is about memories…and what better memory is there than a midnight beach swim???

Jab, jab, jabbity, jab

 

I’m currently sitting waiting to discover if the Covid vaccination is going to kill me in the first 15 minutes of having it. It’s a bit of a family excursion really. Mr Awesome and Zany are getting the same thing done. Only I had registered online in the carpark before coming in so I got to jump the cue, so to speak. I started my 15 minute wait and they were still filling the details in. 

Honestly I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the whole thing. I trust and respect modern medicine and feel that it has the utmost importance role to play in life. The same is to be said about science. It’s just that they don’t always get it right first time and I don’t always like feeling like a Guinea Pig. 

Still no sight of the other two. I have approximately 3 minutes of my wait time to go and so far so good. It’s probably wrong, but there is a tiny little part of me that would kinda like to see someone have a reaction. I am surprised at how many people are here. That and how many people they could have here at anyone time.

The other two just arrived. 

Left unpublished 6 November

This post was actually written back on the 6/11/21 (Just over a week ago) I never hit publish because as you’ll discover I get distracted with T. Anyways no point letting the words go to waste so I’m just adding this note and a photo and setting my words (feelings?) free

 

I had an experience today that kinda made me a little sad. 

Actually it made me a lot sad. 

My feelings were incredibly hurt and I struggle to find a way to reconcile what I heard and an appropriate reaction.

The worst part of this all is that there were many lovely moments throughout the day yet my head keeps going back to those few awful ones. The rational side does understand that it is futile to dwell on these points, there's just this other rascally side that won't let it go. I guess it's the side that just only wants the best for everyone and is disappointed that is not what everyone is necessarily feeling they are getting.

Clearly the writing of words is not working out well for me. I have tried a little more than usual which I will take as a win, because I really do always want to be as positive as possible. Perspective is everything.

Teapot is currently going through a draw of my old writings. I was hoping that she could find my manuscript. Though just quietly I always feel like a bit of a fraud calling it that. So far she hasn't had any luck  but she has delighted in going through pages of old words. There was a tone of delight as she explained to her father what I was doing (writing about my day)

A discovery is made

 After some five minutes at the App Store looking for an app to allow me to blog on the go from my mobile, it suddenly dawned on me that with all the updates to the interwebs  since I was last regularly blogging that it was probably more than possible my phone was more than capable of just blogging from the browser. And low and behold here we are. 

Being able to quickly and easily drop a line in when I get a chance means I’ll no longer have the excuse of not having a laptop for not writing. Though things at work have been pretty heckers this past week or two and just between you and me I can’t see that changing in the coming days. But those stories are not ones to tell here. Especially not when it is actually my day off. Today is the final day of my three day weekend. It feels weird having the first day of the week off. There is some major brain rewriting needed. I currently feel like I’m starting the week a day behind. I’m not though. That’s the beauty of continuous seven day trading. There is no day 1 of the week. All days are equal so to speak. 

Truth be told there are many parts of my brain that I feel need a bit of tweaking and rewriting. Having the right mindset is one of the keys to life. The trick is that sometimes the right mindset requires constant maintenance. It’s all a part of growing I guess. Something I feel I am about to be forced to do. Which is not a bad thing by want means, it’s just not always easy. But alas it must be done. 

On another note, Teapot and I went to watch a dance studio’s end of year concert. Her bestie was performing and it was beautiful that Teapot wanted to support her. It was also a nice excuse for us to spend some time together, not something we really do enough of. 

I’m left so drained at the end of the week that when I finally get a day off I have no energy to do anything. Leaving the house is the last thing I feel like doing as the effort required is just ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that leaving the house means getting dressed who in then means more washing to deal with. Why go through that when I can just sit on my fat butt and zone out to the world for a while?

Incase you hadn’t noticed I like snails  

A lot

I’m not really sure what the attraction is  I just think they are cool  they just cruise around leaving their slimey trail behind them with absolutely no fucks to give  their life is just one big travelling adventure hoping not to get squashed or eaten by a bird. Growing up in The Territory meant we rarely saw snails like this. Down here in the South West they plagued gardens and eat vegetables. The still make me smile when I see them though. 

Back again

Due to a publishing malfunction (in that I neglected to hit publish) it now appears as if today is some magical day where I managed to sit down to write not once but twice. So before subscribers hyperventilate from the shock of multiple posts showing in their inbox, take a breath, it's ok, I have yet not become some writing crazed fiend. 

I am making an effort though. 

I am still torn by being disappointed in myself for not being prepared to even try NaNoWriMo this year and pleased with my ability to recognise realistic challenges. 

So here I am with a blessed moment of peace and quiet trying to reignite my dream of being a writer.

If only I knew where to begin.

The blankness I spoke of on Monday is kinda hitting me hard right about now. My poor little fried brain can think of nothing to be deemed as worthy of writing about. Perhaps that is because it is trying not to think of all the things I should be doing. I have a late start and finish today in true procrastination style I choose pretending to write over cleaning or getting a jump start on the rostering hell that is currently the Bain of my existence.

There are currently a range of different sirens coming from all types of directions. I can't work out if they are all part of the same emergency or if there is multiple crisis occurring. They are gone now. Here but for a floating moment destroying the tranquility which has now returned. The gentle breeze gently tickling the wind chime to create a delicate musical tinkle.

Deep sigh.

In two hours I'll be on my way to work. Where I'll have the pleasure of spending the next nine hours. I do say with pleasure in a relatively non sarcastic tone. I really do enjoy my job and the people I spend my time with there. I feel valued and more importantly I have the ability to make other people feel the same. The way I see it, is that one of the biggest aspects of my position is creating an atmosphere where people want to come to work to help create a space people want to shop in.

But I digress. 

So far in fact, I can't even remember what point I was hoping to make.

Hmmmmmm

I wonder if typing out my old story would be a good compromise? I don't like that I only have a very old typed copy of the text. I feel that there should be multiple ways for me to access it. Over the years it has been on a few computers and USB sticks but they are all now either lost or broken.

The  only think about typing it in here is that it would mean creating a link to the beginning of the story for when a new reader stops by. Which I guess isn't the biggest of deals but given the little amount of time I have spent on the inter webs lately and how quickly sites change and develop, I am not sure how efficiently I will be able to create one.

As it is whenever I look at the blog I cringe with all it's faults because of template and coding changes I no longer understand or have the time (inclination) to look into. I was secretly hoping that one of the girls might have had a desire to be a website creator but so far no luck there!

So between Monday and today's little effort I am sitting at just under 1400 words. Which is about 200 words short of the daily total. Did I mention that we are on day 3 of the month?

It's November!

 

I haven't really given much thought to NaNoWriMo for quiet a few years now. A  few weeks ago an email popped into my inbox from some regional moderator trying to get us all  enthusiastic about the  prospect of smashing out a  50000 word novel in the month of November. A feat  which many moons ago I somehow managed to scrape together.

I've tried again over time however it's just never really worked  out. I've even  changed the rules and just tried to get out that many words in blog posts over the month. After all it''s only 1600 words each and every day. It's not actually technically that difficult to do. Realistically very achievable. 

Until of course you actually go to type the words out and there is nothing but complete and utter blankness. Your brain has suddenly become void of all coherent thoughts and ideas, instead filled with a nothingness that is of no use to anybody. The curse of writers block. It is both real and terrifying. 

You want nothing more than to share your words with the world. Giving you the ability to leave a lasting impression that  will  hopefully somehow find it's way to be experienced by as many as  possible.  Only when  you go to start the  process there is no idea waiting to be written about. The blank screen before you is unable to be filled and the more you try to think of something to fill it with the harder the task becomes.

So then it's pushed aside for a bit. After all writing is supposed to be fun. A  release from the worries of the real world. Not a reminder of one's failures and unfulfilled desires.

It is all such a vicious cycle. The  block becomes so strong that you start to wonder if you should even bother to try anymore. Or rather you stop making the time to try just one more time. You give up on the possibility of a different outcome. So you leave it. A once burning desire becomes a smouldering pit of disappointment.

Such is life though. 

Dealing with smouldering  pits of disappointments. Some much larger than others. And some still with the  slightest possibility of being re-ignited.

But I digress. Obviously writer's block is not too much of a concern today. In fact it is almost the opposite. I have so many ideas that I want to get out it is difficult to decide which one comes out first. Which granted is not worthy of high levels of complaints, it still doesn't' lend itself to fast flowing writing.

Now where was?

That's right, the age old November question for writers around the globe, to NaNoWrimo or not?

Heartbreakingly it's a solid no from me. The craziness of work in the lead up to Christmas will be more than enough for me to handle. Especially since there is already a lot of stuff still waiting for me to handle. More on that later though. Given how little I've actually been able to write over recent years there is just know way that I am going to put that kind of crazy pressure on myself.

I am however going to challenge myself to some daily writing here for the month of November. Ideally I would like it to be around the 1600 word mark as my ego could really do with that kind of boost. 

After a couple of really tough years it feels as if things might actually be coming together for  little old me and maybe this is my time to really start to shine.

I just did a word count check. It's at 600. Not a bad start I guess, but I was expecting a little more. So only another 1000 words to string together for today's daily target! Easy Peasy Right?

Just between you and me there was a stage where I was thinking I was going to be so free from writers block that I envisaged even getting a good head start on my word count. 

Anyways.

As much as I want to be writing every day I'm still not sure of what it is I'll write about. It's like I'm inspired but I don't know what about. I can see lots of opportunities and hope but not exactly how they pan out or what is the best path to get there.

(side note I have already thought about checking the word  count 3 times)

I  need to find a way so as to write but not have any expectations and just be happy for whatever comes out. It has to be better than nothing write?

Catching Up

 It's so weird to think that this little space was once such a big part of my life and yet now it sits here so dormant and unloved.  I don't even want to stop and think about how long it was since I last shared here....

So it's currently 2021.

The world  is in the most craziest of places with Covid-19 completely changing the norm of life as we once knew it. We are still living in the  south west of Western Australia and compared to the rest of the world and even the county, we  are  relatively unscathed from the perils that it brings. Well  apart from wanting to spend time with those that we love from the eastern states.

Essentially  there is no foreseeable future in  which I will  be able to see my sister and her beautiful family. Which yes  in heartbreaking.  However even if there was no international  pandemic  there is no  guarantee  we would  be hanging out together because I am still way too poor to be able to afford a visa over to her. It's so hard to really comprehend though.  My poor little  brain  can only  cope with so much  and right now there is just so much to try and get one's head around.

SO MANY DEEP SIGHS

I feel that there are so many explanations owed for my lack of entires. Yet I also feel that there is no need to explain anything. 

I question whether anyone even notices. Actually I don't question that. The internet is such a busy  place there days that deep down I know that there are  probably next to no people aware of whether or not I am spewing words out in this space.

I'm not going to lie, last few years have probably been  some of the toughest I've faced.  Only I've been both too scared and stupid to both realise and accept it.

Hard to believe I know, but there was actually a time during the past few years, when Mr Awesome and I were nearly no more. I am   beyond thankful that things never  panned out this way.  He really is my one and only. I still can't believe that he is the one that I get to spend my life with #dreamsdocometrue

Moving along though.

I've recently received a highly anticipated position  at work. Customer Service Manager. A position  that I applied for some three  years ago and was told I  was not the best fit for. 

Heartbreaking  at the time. Especially since the role  was given to some early twenty  something old who only lasted two minutes in the  role. But  live and learn I guess.

My head hurts

Well not really but kinda.

I'm trying to read about the plight of Australian drill rappers OneFour.

My mother however, would rather I interact with her. Which I guess is understandable.
We are nearly at the end of the first of five and a half weeks.

I never like speaking ill of people.

Especially those that I love dearly.

I always like to focus on the positive. But, sometimes. sometimes, I just need to...

...at least think I think I need to...

Even now, when I so dearly know that I need to release the intensely twisted emotions that currently consume my every being, I can't help but wonder if it would be better to keep it to myself?

Hence the sore head I guess.

I'm now sitting seam immersed in a tub of cold water. I have a glass of red wine and the hiccups. Obviously one is more favourable than the other. This is the second, perhaps even third bought of the hiccups that I have endured today. My confusion of the exact number relates to the debatable duration between the time one thinks they are cured and then randomly return.

Unfortunately though this precious me time activity that I have tried to gift myself must be short lived. Zany, who should perhaps be known as Miss 13.5 for context sake of new readers, needs to be escorted home from her friends house in approximately 10 minutes. Part of me wants to believe that we live in a world where she would be able to make the trip home unaccompanied but there is also a part of me that likes having her around and doesn't want to take the risk.

So on that note I will bid you adieu.

Until I next find a moment to right

At ease soldier.

It's ok. Everybody relax. It looks like the panic stations raised during my last post may have been a false alarm. Everything seems to be currently A O K. Unfortunately though, amid my terror, I stupidly changed my base template. At the time I thought that was where the problem lay. I'm not thinking that was probably not the case, but what's a girl to do now? The damage is done, and in my haste to rectify what was more than likely just a glitch in my internet preventing the pages from loading properly, I didn't even think about making a back up.

Yeah I know right. Like seriously Sharon you had one job.

Anyway,

Moving right along, because after all, all is not lost. In fact only the header of the blog is gone and hopefully only temporarily forgotten. I am sure I still have a copy of it on my old Mac that I will one day be able to get fixed.

I have 25 minutes of my lunch left.

What to do? What to do?

23:49 left now

Just under 19 minutes now. My mind is blank proper. I tried to free it with a game of solitaire but alas t'was to no avail.

I'm outta here for now. Given the lack of flowing words, perhaps eating is a better option.

Nothing to see. Moving along

I've been wanting to try and write here for days. 

For whatever reason though I have not let myself.

 I know not why I do this. 

Prevent myself from doing what I know needs to be done. 

But that's what I do.

Not today though.

Today I'm winning the battle with my brain.

Even if only for today.

Even if only for this moment. 

Deep breath.

I guess the real thing that has been holding me back from writing is the fear of speaking my truth. Or maybe the fear of accepting my truth. Just between you and me there has been some pretty screwed up shit going down in this little old life of mine over the last three or so years. I thank the goddess each and every day that we have been able to hold it all together as well as what we have.

BUTTTTTT!!!!!!

OMFG!!!!!!

Wild subject change.

I just went and had a look at the preview for this post. I have no photos!!! Worse still I have no header on my blog. I mean sure I've been ignoring photos from photo bucket for weeks now telling my I need to carry out some urgent actions on my account, but, I was under, the obviously misguided, assumption, it only related to something else which I thought was of little to no importance. Clearly I was wrong.

Excuse me while I see what I can do.

Lunchtime brain dump

I'm torn between trying to write some fiction or just brain dumping for a bit to see if it can clear the mind. I mean it's not like I actually have a fiction piece planned out as such I was just going to start with the old faithful She sat there staring blanking at the empty screen before her and see where I ended up. Obviously I have a rough idea of how it will at least start to go but as for the ending, well obviously that remains to be seen.

It's November and for the first time in what feels like forever my head has been thinking more of writing than anything else. I desperately want to be a NaNoWriMo winner again. Interestingly enough it is with a rewrite of my original NaNoWriMo efforts that I am inspired to try with. Not that I can easily locate the only existing copy. At least I now know that it at least still exists and can narrow it down to a room and possibly even a box. There were many a year where that were not possible.

I've got maybe 29 minutes left of my lunch break. Its debatable as to when I started so the end time is a bit hit and miss as well. Twenty nine is probably a bit of a stretch, more like a little over 20 but since I am helping out and staying later than originally rostered I have little to no qualms ensuring maximum time for my breaks.

But I digress.

I'm not sure this is really the post for too much about work. In so many ways I hate it. And on multiple levels. But. I have to work. At least for the moment. There are many aspects that are pretty fantastic about it, sadly I just let the crap overshadow this a lot more than I should.

I am however nothing but a work in progress and perfection is rarely attained.

15 Minutes

That's how long I've got here. After that Teapot and I are meant to be taking #Lilythedog for a walk. Based on the fact that T is currently sitting on the outside couch perusing the Bookclub catalogue there is a fairly high chance our departure is more than 15 minutes away. 

 

Especially since I have just remember some online training I'm meant to complete for work.

So this time twelve months ago things were a very different affair. I was certainly not just casually sitting on my back deck typing away. No. Not even close. My entire world felt like it had been completely shattered and was almost irreversible. I had no idea what I was going to do.

All very dramatic I know, but trust me, the shit that had just imploded in my life was fucking huge. So huge I can't even bring myself to not use sweary words.

Very few people were privy to what happened. Even now I still don't really openly discuss what occurred. Which I must admit causes some internal conflict. It is a topic that I feel should be discussed openly because it is something that affects so many people. But. In this instance it is not my story to own. While it is part of my story, it is not mine to tell. And yes, I know I could ask permission  to share from the story owner, but I don't want to. I'm not ready to have that conversation yet and I am not sure they are ready to tell it anyway.

All that really matters now though is that at the end of the day the number one rule* was adhered to. 

The number one rule, in case you were wondering is 'Don't die' When we were living #ouradventureofalifetime, we met the most wonderful of families. They had two children around the same age as The Little Two and a set up that was eerily similar to Edna and Patty. I can't recall at this point whether I've ever mentioned them here before, I'm sure I must has as this family felt like kindred spirits to us. We spent many a wonderful night with them as our paths continued to coincidently cross.

Teapot has just appeared, ready for our walk so my time here is up.

....uhm.....

Yeah.....

So I managed to somewhat dubiously write three posts in a row out and then returned to the radio silence. I didn't want to say it out loud for fear of cursing myself but I had intended to write a post every day...

Look how well that worked out.

Anyways I am here now and that is all that matters is it not? I may only have a dismal 13% of battery life on the old lappy but you can't win them all no can you? Besides the added pressure of an imminent shut down is just the incentive I need to not be distracted by all the shiny things on the internets.

What to say though.

I'm still trying to unwind from the day that was. I have been home approximately forty minutes.

And fu.....

.....I just remembered my food delivery for the week was still sitting in the car from when I got home. Lucky I swapped my once tropical lifestyle for the current arctic version hey?

As much as locals here may say winter of 2019 was in fact on of Mother Nature's more kinder winter's I have felt nothing but frozen for far too long now. I just want to feel the golden sun's beaming rays penetrate through to my soul. Is that too much to ask?

But back to my food delivery. (Mainly because it is something easy to talk about and honestly I feel like I am kinda scrapping the bottom of the barrel as far as topics to write about go. 

Anyways.

I have momentarily become one of those people, who rather than drive their self crazy with the endless barrage of what to cook for dinner every f*&king night, opt for the just have it all sent to you in a box option. Today's box is only the second delivery and it came with a hundred dollar wine voucher so it's hard not to be a bit in love.

Sure it is a little more expensive than what I would normally spend. If I was one of those domestic goddess/totally organised and meal plan type of person. 

But I'm not. 

I'm much more of a buy whatever crap is cheapest each and every night because the thought of cooking dinner does my head in and I hate it because how hard is it to have something that everyone will enjoy when you are cooking for more than one person?

Well I just got my final I'm about to shut down warning from the laptop and I daren't push my luck to far is I'll just hit publish for now

x

January 12 2019. Or day three

It’s been so long since I’ve been here I wonder if I even remember what to do. Trying to sign in on my phone rather than laptop only adds to my procrastination. Thankfully all the passwords are saved in some browser memory iCloud somewhere so there is no need to me to rely on my own abilities.

----------------------------

Apparently by the time I had managed to get started on my phone, even with the assistance of the magic cloud, the idea to write had dissipated before I actually managed to.

Not today though Josephine.

This is actually the second garbled junk I am going to hit publish on for today. Though it will not actually be published till tomorrow so if you are reading this your today is not the same as mine.

There is no real relevance to this photo.
Old skool blogging me had a rule about always
including a photo so here's a photo.
It was taken up in the Kimberly's on
#ouradventureofalifetime

The whole today and tomorrow concept has always intrigued me. Unfortunately though not in a way I can clearly articulate to others. The whole time continuum thing has always messed with me head though. As much as time is so measured I also feel it is somewhat subjective. You know when hours feel like minutes and hours fly by like seconds? That kind of thing.

Whenever I start thinking about time in any sort of depth I am always thrown back in time to when my lover at the time smashed his had through our wall clock.  We were young and dumb and tripping on some sort of acid tab. It was this thing that dissolved on your tongue and altered your mind and perception and all kinds of things. It was pretty much the first and last time I ever did such a thing.

If you were into that kind of thing though I'm pretty sure that this was the type of trip that many desired. I had numerous out of body experiences, hallucinations and just generally way out there stuff going on. Some of which was actually quite emotionally traumatic for me. As it turned out it was a time in my life when I was on the cusp of some of my most dramatic life changes, I just hadn't quite realised it at the time.

I do wish I kept better memories of those years.

I know that I feel the same about the last three or so years.

That was one of the things I have always loved about this little space. The way it has always so perfectly captured my moments of time. For as long as I can remember I have worried about not being able to remember moments. It was my biggest inspiration for keeping journals and diaries in my teenage years as well as the foundation of this space.

There as so many moments in our life that at the time could appear so insignificant but at a later point in time could well fill us with the warm and fuzzies.

Mind you these years that have flown by undocumented are filled with anything but warm and fuzzy feelings. Perhaps that is why I have avoided writing them down?

Life's all about learning from mistakes though?

Man have I made some doozie's at times though.

Oh well. Live and learn right?