If sitting at the airport typing away at the airport made me feel like a grown up, sitting on a train on doing it with a hot cup of coffee next to me at stupid o'clock in the morning makes me feel grown up and ultra cool, perhaps even chic. At least on the outside.
On the inside I am a jumbley bumbley mess of nerves.
So much so I can't even think of the right words to be putting in here.
As much as I can't wait to meet my blogging buddies in person, the thought of all those people all in the same room really makes my heart skip a beat or two. I can't help but worry if my clothes, hair, in fact just me in general will be slip seamlessly into the crowd rather than stick out like the sore thumb I feel I am.
Deep down I know that it doesn't really matter. I should just be happy with me as I am, and really I am in so many ways, it's just... ... ... well... ... ... let's face it, everyone wants to be liked.
Only the butterflies swarming in the pits of my stomach are flapping about for much more than just that.
Going to this conference, on my own, without Mr Awesome by my side to hold my hand and tell me all will be ok and to remind me of my awesomeness is a big thing. In fact this whole week away without him is a big thing. He really is my rock and as I realised yesterday pretty much my life line. I really would be lost without him.
fyi as I am typing this my eyes are welling and I am fighting back tears.Why I am not sure. Nor am I sure why I am telling you. Right now it all just feels a bit too much for this little small town girl who feels lost without her husband.
Thank goodness I don't do make up.
This will be the longest time in nearly ten years that we have been apart. I don't really like it. I am surprised actually at how much I don't like it. I also don't like how I don't like it as much as what I do. It makes me feel all dependent and weak. Perhaps I am.
Which I also don't like. It ruins my internal image of me being this brave, strong, independent and I can handle anything type of woman. Deep, deep, down, hidden in some recess of my being though I do know I am that woman when I most need to be.
I can call on her and somehow she will find her way out. And calling on her right now I am.
Fairy wishes & butterfly kisses