Moving on, getting done and heading forward.

I have lost count of how many times I have come back to this post.  For some reason I just can't pick up the feel of my original post.  For some other reason I also can't seem to just delete and move on from it.

The past few days have been tough.  Growling, yelling and impatient kind of tough.  I hate it when I yell. It seems to come in bursts.  Perhaps it just builds up? I don't know.  (shaking head and hanging it in shame)  To me yelling is pointless.  Rarely does it achieve what is actually needed and everyone is always left feeling rather awful about it all.

What I don't get is that I can go weeks without the need to yell and screech like a banshee.  Then bang.  All of a sudden it feels like there are days where my ears are ringing from the sound of my own voice.  Not to mention how my poor throat feels about all of this.

(deep sigh)  Hold on be right back (again)

Righto, where was I?

That's right, the grumpy, yelling banshee that appears to have possessed my body.

I can't even locate a valid reason for my frustration and pent up anger.  In fact if anything I should be feeling quite the opposite.  There have been many little sparkling gems that lit up the week just gone.  Unexpected monetary gains, spur of the moment coffee and shopping, to name but a few.  On top of all of that my birthday is just around the corner...which is a post all of it's own so I will change direction now.

Blogwise it has been a tough week as well.  I managed an iBOT post with birthday girl Jess but that was about it.  Wordless Wednesday doesn't really count in terms of writing but I sure had fun putting them all together.

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I want APL to go.  The response to the end of the Making IT Matter meme gave me a lot of food for thought.  I still haven't reached a decision but I think I have come up with a few changes to implement over the coming weeks.  So stay tuned, get subscribed and stay up to date with all my exciting happenings.

In the meantime though this is how this post started

Bleh.
That is pretty much the best way to describe how I feel right now.  Not nice I know.  The worst part is I don't even really have a valid excuse for my dismal perspective on the world at large.  In fact if I actually take the time to stop and think about the manner in which the world the world at large treats me I come out fairing pretty well.  Pretty darn well actually.


Sure if I looked hard enough I could find something to complain about but really...life is treating me more than wonderfully.  In fact sometimes life treats me so wonderfully that I feel terrible even entertaining the thought of complaining about something.  I would hate to be seen as ungrateful or greedy because honestly, if this is as good as life gets then I am a happy woman.


I have a husband, who just happens to be the man of my dreams, who also helps me to be the best me I can be.  He knows my strengths and weaknesses and can play and protect them as needed often more than I can myself.  In fact he knows me so well he knows when to pretend he has no idea what is going on.


I have three wonderful children.  All special and unique in their own wonderful ways.  They can unite and fight, both together as a team and internally against one another.  Mostly they are incredibly awesome.  Occasionally they make me feel out of my depth.  Lately that feels like it is on the increase.


It's been three days or something since I actually started this post.  Sadly writing is back to being a struggle of late.

In local news an elderly couple were found dead in their lounge rooms the same night as I started this.  They could almost have been considered neighbours.  It happened in the complex next to ours.  It was a tragic loss of life.

Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses for the week ahead

Wordless Wednesday - Clouds and Rainbows

Check out more great photos at

and

and

The Death of a Meme

It is with great regret that I write that making it matter has passed away.  Not passed on, as I am not about to announce the next proud owner.  Instead it has just passed away as a sad little meme that never really took off.

That's not to say I won't still be finding things to make matter in my life and sharing them here, I just won't be harping on about every Monday. Not that I have been lately anyway but now there will be no self inflicted pressure to get something out just incase someone was going to join in.  Only to spend the week disappointed when that doesn't happen.

The most ridiculous part about the whole waiting for others to join in is that I was only ever doing it because of benefits I was gaining in my own life.  At the end of the day it shouldn't  matter whether anyone else shared their story or not because as long as I was moving forward little else really mattered.  I got too busy caught up thinking about all the cool blogs that host memes and wanting to be like them.  Rather than just concentrating on being the best me I can be.

So where to now?

To tell you the truth I am not really sure. Part of me feels a bit overwhelmed by much of life.  Though it is not as dire as that sentence sounds.  There is just souch I want to do, coupled with all that I need to do that fimding the best place to start can be easier said than done.

All in all I  am in a pretty good place.  Things are moving forward albeit slower than I would prefer but forward is still forward.  They say that slow and steady wins the race...
For the first time in I don't know how long I don't feel like the housework is an unachievable mountain I'll never climb. Instead it is more like a bump in the road that I know I can now get through.  After years of disorganisation and chaos I'm finally learning that establishing loose routines and regular habits can be a great benefit to everyone. It turns out that perhaps life does need some sort of loose structure to it to help you get the most out of it.

And on that note all I have left to say is that it is Tuesday so I am linking up with

Didn't I tell you all the cool blogs hosted great memes?  Head on over (by clicking the button) and check out all the other great posts today
-fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

Thankful For What the Future Will Hold

It's 2017 and all is well with the world.  Thankfully the prophets were wrong and the world did not end December 2012.  That's not to say there haven't been a few environmental scares.  Mother Nature continually reminds all of her power and strength. I am so very thankful that those I hold dear have thus far escaped relatively unscathed.  The loss has been horrific but appears to be bringing change in behaviours.

Our dream of living rural has finally occurred.  When the time was right the planets aligned and it all just fell into place.  We still have the townhouse.  I don't think I could ever let go of that dream come true.  The peace I have found on the land is amazing and I truly feel at one with the world.

The children have all flourished with the extra space and fresh air.  I just love the extra space and even though I was initially concerned about how I would maintain such a large house, but it has turned out much easier than expected.  Though we do have a lot less stuff now.

Life is good.  Life has been good.  I still marvel each and every day that I am so incredibly blessed.

Of course there have been a few tough times over the years.  There has to be.  Otherwise we would never be able to enjoy or even recognise the good times.  Thankfully though we were all able to call upon our strength and courage when we were inevitably faced with our fears.  Walking away having gained but not without some sort of loss.

Being a published author is cooler than I ever imagined.  I still pinch myself when I see all three of my books for sale.  What's even more exciting is that Miss L's first book will be coming out shortly.  She is one of the most amazing nearly sixteen year old's ever.  A mother couldn't be prouder.

For a while I thought she may have pushed me beyond unknown limits but thankfully it turns out my mothering skills kicked into top gear when needed most.  Every relationship is a journey, bumps and all.  She has helped me to grow as a person as much as I her and it has been wonderful to be a part of it all with her.

Miss Z and Miss T are of course equally awesome.  Everything about them though is a lot calmer than Miss L ever was and probably will be.  That don't seem to have the anger she does.  Mind you the horses have brought about great change in her attitude.

Did I mention life felt like a dream?

Our best friends living a stones throw away.  We share a rather large block of land with them.  We virtually live off the land.  We make money from camping expeditions and showing others how we sustain our living.  It has been a long haul but there has not been a day I have regretted it.

We home school which is made easier by school of the air.  For me it is a dream come true.  For hubs it is a flash recall of his childhood.  Of course school of the air has changed a bit since then.  I love all the time of us being together.  It is not just the children who have gained an education.  I will hopefully soon have a degree under my cap.

Most of all though, as I look back over the years I am thankful for the loving man beside me all this time.  He truly helps me to be a better me.  Often without even realising it.  Actually it is often without thought that he says the most moving of things.  He is what makes living something to enjoy.  That and the fact I know I get to spend the rest of my life with him and our beautiful children.

Joining in with Kate Says Stuff for her Thankful Thursday Meme.  

Which thankfully she keeps open all week as clearly Thursday has been and gone.

Fairy Wishes & Butterfly Kisses

That is what I believe in and love to freely share with one and all.

What makes me just blurt that out I hear you ask?

Well of course it is Eden and her Fresh Horses Brigade link up that gives a weekly prompt to write about. This week the prompt is I believe.
Eden, the feather photographing guardian angel believer, sent to create hope and strength amongst many. Eden, the blogging wonder that touches the lives of probably many more than she realises. Eden, the creator of a movement that sees women looking inside themselves and finding a way to accept or challenge all that they see.
When it comes to what I believe  in I don't actually know where to begin.
I believe in fairies, fairy winkles, leprechauns, elves, magical beings of many descriptions and of course unicorns.
I believe in good, and therefore bad. You know ying and ylang and all that. Life is balancing act with equal and opposite reactions being found everywhere. If there is a heaven there has to be a hell and so on and so forth.

I also believe there is some sort of godly being that looks down over it all.  I actually think that there may be more than one of these guys, or gals, or perhaps a combination of both.  I think that there is quite possibly a range of deities that created a variety of belief systems for people to follow and gain strength from in times of desperation when faced with the need for answers for unanswerable things.
I am not really very comfortable with assigning to a religion though.  Actually I think that all religions have some serious flaws in them.  However they serve a rather importance role in society.  Religion provides people with something to believe in.  And let's face there are some days we just wouldn't get through if we didn't have something to believe in.
Sometimes however it is necessary to do more than just believe.  Some times you need to call on faith as well.  It is faith that sees you through the times of most need. You know the times when you are sure there are forces out to get you. When all the odds seem to be stacked up against you and if you defeat them you stand stronger and taller than every before. It is faith that gets you through then. 
 Faith in whatever it is you have chosen to believe in, be it ghost cats, rays of sunshine or anything in between, will have the power to make it all ok in the end.


Due to my concerns with some aspects of most religions I don't actually assign to any one in particular.  But I guess I am what some would call as Spiritual.  What I do like to believe in though are the Powers That Be. 
For me the Powers That Be consist of a bit of everything, God, Fairies, Guardian Angels, passed over loved ones, and whatever else is floating around that likes to help out good people such as myself.   Oh and if there was a spell that could help then I would definitely give that a go as well. In times of trouble and some times just because, they get together and try to work out the best solution for you.  They may offer a range of options or variations based on your actions and choices.
Of course sometimes they won't do anything till you have asked for help. For as much as they are there to guide and protect us there comes occasion when they need to know you actually want some help. 
Life is always about communication.
I must say that I do feel incredibly blessed. The Powers That Be have done a wonderful job in guiding and protecting me. There have been many times when I have given them thanks for their kind gestures and opportunities.  
 I have faith that when I need it, help is there, if I only think to ask.  For some reason, and let me tell you I just don't know why, I don't seem to think I need it very often and don't think to ask when perhaps I should.

What is a ‘rights based approach’ to charity?

We all know the saying ‘give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can feed him for a lifetime’ which is often used to describe the ‘new’ approach of charities when it comes to tackling poverty. But now there’s a new take on this saying that charities who practice what is called the ‘rights based approach’ are advocating.

It goes something like this: ‘give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you’ll feed him until a chemical factory upstream starts polluting the lake and kills all the fish’.
Teaching people skills is invaluable, but teaching people to stand up for their human rights is even better. In the saying above, teaching someone to fish is only useful while the government of that country and the companies that operate under the laws of that government respect the fundamental human rights of all people – including the right of that fisherman to food.

This is a significant change to the way we refer to and do charity. Whereas once charity and aid were understood as giving things that fulfil the needs of people in need, there has now been a shift to a ‘rights based approach’ that helps ensure that the conditions are in place for people to enjoy their rights and livelihood.

In order to understand the rights based approach, it is important to understand what those ‘rights’ are. Human rights are rights that are entitled and inherent to all human beings regardless of nationality, place of residence, sex, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, language, or any other status. These rights include equality before the law, freedom of expression, the right to work, to social security and the right to an education. For many people, these rights are ensured by the governments of the countries in which they live. Many people, however - particularly those living in poverty or developing nations – do not have access to or enjoy these rights.

The idea behind a rights based approach to charity is to reduce local communities’ dependency on aid and handouts by improving local governments and the protection and implementation of peoples’ rights. It’s the idea that we are obliged to ensure that everyone enjoys the basic human rights that are entitled to everyone, rather than simply handing out charity, donations or food.

An example of a rights based approach to aid is child sponsorship. Child sponsorship programs (such as the one run by ActionAid Australia) use donor payments for child sponsorship to benefit the entire community, rather than singling out one child. By putting the money into infrastructure in the community – such as schools and education, housing and farming – the community benefits from a more sustainable and valuable solution. This way when you sponsor a child, you don’t have to single one child and their needs out.

It’s not offering a quick, temporary fix - it’s helping people secure and enjoy the rights they are entitled to and ensuring that those rights can be sustained.
If you’re interested in donating to charities or aid organisations, consider those that take a rights based approach.

I Think I Thought I Knew

Yes I know this has little to no relevance to the post but it is an awesome shot
(even if I do say so myself)

After managing to successfully waste most of Miss Nearly Two's sleep I am finally getting around to my whole reason for sitting in front of this silly screen that seems to suck hours out of my life.  Well actually it hasn't done that for quite some time.  Well apart from just now...

Anyway.  The point is I am finally writing.  Yes I know that makes it sound like weeks, or possibly even months since I last wrote and the reality is only a few days, but it honestly feels like forever since I just wrote.  The list of posts I want to write is quite extensive at the moment.  In fact it is constantly growing, which I think is why it feels like an eternity since I last posted anything decent, rather than the reality that was last week.  

Mind you that brings with it a range of problems as well.  What if that was my peak?  What if that is as good as I can get for a while?  Because quite frankly between then and now I have had little to offer so I can't help but wonder.

But I digress, that is not where this post is meant to be heading.  The fact that the above mentioned child looks like stirring has reminded me that I must get on with it all.  I am sure that now I have throughly inspected all tweeting activity of those I follow as well as gone through a few junk email folders that I didn't really know existed I will be able to blog to a much higher level.

Earlier this morning when I was once again ensuring that all was as it should be in Twitterland I saw the lovely Miss Cinders share a post about what she knew.  This was exciting for a few reasons.  The first being I believe the lovely lady in question to be rather well informed on a number of issues so naturally I am excited when she shares this knowledge.  The second was she seemed to be hinting at the return of Things I Know.  Which if you are a long time regular will know is a little meme I liked to join in last year over at Yay for Home.  Only at the start of this year she passed it on to Kellie who shortly after needed a bloggy break.  So the possibility that my reason to write on a Friday was returning was also pretty exciting for me. (Yes yes I know that there was nothing actually stopping me from still writing on a Friday but we all know my love of a good linky)

As much as I wanted to drop everything and write an awesome TIK post I did the right thing and fed the children and then bundled them off to school.  All the while thinking of what witty and amusing things I knew that I could share with my avid readers.

Instead of the quick dash and run I had planned I got caught chatting to numerous lovely parents and what not and before I knew it most of the, morning had disappeared and sleep time was fast approaching.  Always being one to seize opportunity I cancelled the regular visit to mum and took the scenic route home ensuring child feel asleep and I got to gain inspiration from the foreshore in all is wet weather glory.

All was going to plan until I actually sat down to write.  

My brain was in overdrive with all the things it thought it knew.  Stuff like

I know I should be hanging out the washing but sitting here is totally a better idea.

I know I should be making the most of sitting here by writing but deleting old emails is also important.

I know I should be coming up with something better to know.

Genius right? Well I am sure if I had of kept going there would have been something special in there somewhere.

Anyway it is all a bit of a moot point because when I went to get the address for to link to Miss Cinders I discovered that she had taken what she knew down.  A bit of investigation through Facebook indicates that I think someone else may also have been helping Kellie out.  

Looking on the bright side though at least I have now done some writing.  Which feels nice.  I am slowly discovering that when I am not writing, regardless of what I actually write, I feel this awful bleh feeling encompass my body and it is not exactly very nice.

Still trying to look for positives my absence here as not been without productivity elsewhere.  I finally got my crochet hook out and made a little bag.  A rough and shonky little bag that will only be loved by my children.  But loved it is and make it I did so nothing else is of much concern.  

For now though I must bid you adieu, the sleeping child is no longer actually sleeping and my list of things to do is only growing the longer I sit here.  And while I may not be able to link up with the things I know, I can still go a good flogging over at Where's My Glow

Me & YOU Making IT Matter

Hello and welcome to another Me & YOU Monday where we Make it Matter.   

My name's Rhianna and I am your hostest with the mostest (even if I do say so myself).   

Seriously though I want to thank you for taking the time to have a read 

I really hope that you take the opportunity to find something in your life 

that you want to make matter and join in. 

Thanks to Nicole and Becky for joining in last week.  I can't begin to explain the types of warm and fuzzy I feel when I see people have linked up. (No pressure)

Last week I was a little AWOL in sharing what I was going to make matter.  I just couldn't seem to get my head around focusing on just one thing.  There is so much that I want to make matter.  I guess more than anything I want to make my life matter.  All of it, and in every possible way.  Nothing like high expectations is there?

But really doesn't it make sense to have a life that matters?  Isn't that what life itself is all about?

I know that in many ways my life does matter.  I know that I am valued and needed by the kidlets, hubs, and a whole bunch of other people.  I know that most of what I do, does in some way already matter and that is great but I just know there is more that can be done.

It is no secret that life is a tricky balance.  In fact the key to life is in fact working out that balance.  Finding an equilibrium that ticks all the boxes and gets it all done is one of life's great mysteries.  One that may never be unearthed but one that still needs to be searched for.  It gives us something to aim for which is what we all need.  A goal.

I still haven't worked out my goal for this week.  Like I said before there is just so much I want to do.  So much to make matter.  Housework, quality time with children, health, personal development, the list is pretty much endless.  

The other week I came up with ten things that mattered.  They were broad and far reaching but all important and all things that in some way or another I managed to make matter just a little more.  They are things that will constantly matter and need to always be at the forefront of my mind.  They are life habits that I still need to form. 

Anyway enough about me, what about YOU?  What is it in your life that you want to make matter?

I hope that you will come and join in, it is super, super easy.

1. Have a look at your life 
2. Find something that you want to make matter a little more
3. Blog about it
4. Spend a week (or more) consciously making it matter a little more
5. Blog about it again
6. Share the posts here
7. Tell all your friends and get them to do the same, tweeting about it as you go

The link is open all week so make sure you pop back to see what is mattering to others.

I was, I am, I meant to...I didn't

I was going to be super organised.  Though quite frankly they feel like famous last words.  Perhaps organisation is actually more of a myth than reality.  Or at least that is the way it is for this little black duck.

I am trying to take my writing to a higher level.  Well at least last week I was.  In fact last week was so good that I even had one of my posts shared through Google.  Which was like the first time ever I have been aware of such a thing happening.  You can only imagine what sort of awesome that left me feeling.

This week I haven't been able to even spit anything out regardless of a level.  I keep looking back at last week thinking gee that was good, that is what I need to do all the time.  Only I didn't do anything out of the ordinary.  I just sat down, wrote and got lucky.

Mind you it wasn't all roses last week.

I meant to write a post to share some of my proud mummy moments.
I meant to also write about birthing and breastfeeding.
I meant to share some more of my favourite songs.
I meant to do a whole lot more than I actually did.

Remember that little meme that Karlee started last year, you know Me & YOU?  Yes the one that she handed over to me and I added my own little twist to make it Me & YOU, Making IT Matter.  The one that I didn't really post much for last week.  The one that so far this week I have posted even less for.   The one that not surprisingly not many people have ever joined in for.  Yep that one.

Anyway, just because I haven't actually posted about making stuff matter it is not to say I haven't been busy actually making stuff matter.  Last week wasn't just great for writing it also saw me donning my Brooks and running.  Well starting a running program that by the end of it should see me running 5km like there's no tomorrow.  I feel awesome.  Strong, powerful and heading towards fitness.  I say heading towards fitness because I am pretty sure gasping for breath after a 90 second slow run (or fast jog for the optimists out there) is not exactly what you would call fit.

So where does that leave me now I wonder?

Well, I did think about just saying see you later to Make it Matter, but I can't.  You see I need it.  I need to be constantly reminded to make things matter.  I need to have a space where I feel I am accountable for my actions, or in some cases lack there of.  For some reason blogging about my housework has actually encouraged me to do more of it.  While I can relate to Veronica finding her inspiration in grit and grime, for me words tend to flow faster when there is a clear walkway from the front to the back door.

For a while it did bother me that the only way I seemed to make myself a better housewife was by blogging, but life is all about the positive right? So what if the only way I can motivate myself to get the mundane, yet important and necessary out the way is by putting it in the blogosphere where potentially millions might read it?  But then I realised that the reality is I'll be lucky if a thousand people read it and at least we won't be living in squalor.

Enough of that though.  I can see me heading towards a pity party and nobody wants to go there.

Where nobody does want to go however remains a bit of a mystery.  One that is still waiting to be unraveled.  Hopefully I can discover it before anyone else, write about it and get the thousands, if not millions of views I spoke of earlier.  In the meantime I'll just keep babbling along here and hoping for the best.

It's Tuesday and I have blogged (go me) and go all the other IBOTers that have joined in over at

(Click the button to take you there)

I'm Sorry

Image from Yaroslav B

I'm sorry for what's been and done.  
Even though it's all been seen before.
I'm sorry for what I am, where I've gone, 
and all the times I let it go wrong as well.

I'm sorry I'm the way I am.  
What more is there to say?
This is just the way I am.  
The way I tend to be.

I guess you could say, it is, just me.  

I know I say there's a better me...I guess we'll wait and see.
Who's to know and who's to say just what it takes for me to be me.


I'd like to say I try to be my very best, but honestly it is a little less.
But that's ok, I've heard them say, just take it day by day.
Tomorrow is another chance.  A second try to do it all again.
And one that I will take.

For as sorry as I say I am, I'm also not sorry at all.
I love the way I am and who I'm going to be.

The Week That Was

Source

So I have just spent the last half hour writing what I liked to think of as a rather witty and insightful look at the week that was, only to have it just disappear on me. Gone. Pfft just like that. Words of wisdom essentially just washed down the drain before their time. Brilliance laying wasted at the bottom of a pool of nothingness no longer to be viewed by anyone.

But I won't dwell on what could have been. It came out once, it may very well come out again. I am nothing if not eternally optimistic.

So what was this brilliance which the iPad ripped out of my hands and threw out to sea, never to be read?

Well it started with recommending to those who had not yet made the wise choice to follow this wonderful little blog to do so. There are multiple options over in the side bar so you can take your pick. That way you will never miss another word of my wisdom again.

In terms of writing greatness I feel that the past week has been right up there. Sure it is still some steps away from a Nobel prize or a Pulitzer or whatever a flash writing award might be called these days, but there has still been some flashes of pure brilliance.

It all started on Friday when I explained why I keep flogging my blogging. (Which can I just say the words flogging my blogging get a chuckle out of me every time I say them.). It was almost like that post freed something within me as from there things just got better and better.

Sure I might not have actually written what I was going to make matter on Monday but I have spent the entire week thinking about it. What's more and possibly more importantly, I have been making lots of things actually matter. Like writing and running, as well as giving the girls (especially the big one) some one on one time where they have my undivided attention. Which means come Monday I should have something wonderful written about it all. I did however manage to get something out so that if others had something that they wanted to make matter there was a space for them to link up. As it turned out two awesome people did just that.

From here though my week just went on to bigger and better bloggy highlights. Sure I wasn't interviewed by the Today show (I must have missed their call) but for this lil wanna be blogger the beautiful comments and support felt this week has been a bit nice.  As have the slightly higher than normal page views.

I had planned a post to commemorate the 70th Bombing of Darwin but it never quite happened. Given then significance of the event I was actually going to do a bit of research and all sorts of wonderful things but unfortunately I never quite got there. I did however get to share some photos from the ceremony I went to on the weekend. And there is always a chance that the post I had in mind will eventuate at some point in the not too distant future.

What I did do though was give thanks to a life of lost love. One of my most favorite posts in a very long time. I am also a little fond of a moment of bliss. In between it all I had a bit of a funny feeling. Which didn't quite come out the way it was in my head but certainly has something in it.

All in all a pretty fab blogging week (even if I do say so myself). Stay tuned though because the best is yet to come.  If you didn't go and sign up to be a follower, or subscribe by email or whatever it is you do to keep in touch with your favourite blogs go and do so now.  You won't regret.  I promise, greatness is just round the corner.

Joining in with

A Life of Lost Love

Recently when we were decluttering and clearing things out I came across my old journals and memoirs of a life gone by.  I have been holding on to them, waiting for the right time to turn them into something wonderful.  I made sure that there were left somewhere handy.  I want to think that the right time is soon.

Today as my littlest princess slept I dragged them out.  They are not all I thought they would be.  Perhaps there are some missing.  I doubt it though.  These pages have always been important to me, they are one of the few things that has always been where ever I am.  It has been years since I added to them though.

They reflect a life gone by.  The person I was.  In some places the person I thought I was going to be.  I am no longer that person and doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps this is where this funny feeling has come from?

I didn't bother reading through them all.  I just flicked through here and there.  Reminiscing of what I did many moons ago.  Some of them date back twenty years.  Twenty years!  Hard to believe I am really that old.  Strangely though they all fit into just one shoebox.  It doesn't quite seem right that twenty years of memories can be found in just one old shoe box. Of course there are many years where for what ever reason I did not write.

There is one common thread through all that I wrote though.  Love.  And all that it entails.  From a young teenage crush to first kisses and declarations of undying emotions.  So much angst, confusion and heartache.  I have never been one to enjoy being alone.  From an early age I felt that people belonged together.  Life is not a path we should have to walk alone.

It seems like all I was ever concerned about was finding someone to be with.  I cringed many times looking at all the names of those I thought I loved.  Those I wanted to love.  Those I wanted to love me.

Hubs is there.  We were childhood sweethearts you see.  I still remember the first day I ever laid eyes upon him.  I knew then and there I wanted to only ever be with him.  I was about twelve.

Only there were obstacles.  Lots of them at times.  Some were real and at the time unpassable.  Others were more based on interpretation or perspective and not really there at all.  Either way it took a while, a really long while in fact, for us to give our love a go.

We were too young to really know much about anything.  At least that is what we were told.  It was easier to listen rather than try and find out for ourselves. The first time round it did not work out so well.  He broke my heart.  Shattered it in fact, into a million little pieces.  Maybe even more.  I wondered if it would ever be whole again.  I cried a river of tears and wondered why the world was so cruel.

The Lord works in mysterious ways though.

With time comes hindsight, wisdom and age.  Combine them altogether and what was once a foggy, cloudy haze becomes a crystal clear reality.  I know now that I had to go through all that I did so that when we were given our second chance we wouldn't let it go.

I had to sail through muddy waters and choppy windy seas so that when the calmness lay before me I could walk through it all with ease.  All those frogs and toads along the way, helped me to find my prince of today.

Sure in some ways I wish that I could turn back the tides of time and write the perfect story for my life. The one that has me married before sex and a career before kids, but life isn't meant to be without a hitch or two.

I am thankful, truly deeply thankful for my life of lost love.  For all the boys and men and everything in between that I thought I loved.  That I thought I wanted to be with.  That I gave a little piece of my heart to in the hope of something wonderful.  For each and every one of them has helped me here today and here today I am blessed in every way.

Here today I know what true love really is.  Without an inkling of a doubt.  For that I am more than thankful.

What about you? What are you thankful for?

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Wordless Wednesday - The Day War Came to Town

Being a little cheeky and joining in with a few today.

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I have this feeling...

A horrible, sinking sensation, right at the bottom of my stomach.  At least that is where it starts.  I can feel it slowly creeping up my chest and forming a lump in my throat.  If feels like fear.  Like there is something lurking for me just out of sight.

I don't know what it is and I don't know where it came from.  All I know is that it is here and I don't like it.  At all.  Not one little bit.

Sadly this is not the first time I have felt like this.  In fact in some ways it is an all too familiar feeling.  Yet it is also totally unknown.  I keep telling myself it will be alright.  Though not even I really believe that.  How can I when I don't even know what it is?

It's like there is some turmoil rolling around inside of me.  Something that shouldn't be the way that it is.  Something I need to change, or work out or perhaps just let go of?  Whatever it is I just can't place it or shake it for that matter.

I spent some time going through some old journals today, perhaps that is it.  There is much in my past I wish were not there.  Steps that were taken on the journey through adolescences to adulthood that I would rather not have taken.  A phase of life that I am glad to have passed.

The path that I took, the choices I made, I know they brought me to where I am today, but surely, I can't help but wonder if there weren't another way?  I love the life I have and all that it is.  I know that it is purely because of the things that I did, but there are some things I just wish weren't there.  There are somethings I just don't care to admit.

Alas though I must.

A moment of bliss

Right now life feels blissful. There is a small child gently slumbering on my chest. I am reclined on the couch with my feet slightly elevated and pointed toward the open window where they catch a gentle breeze blowing by.

If it weren't for the glow of my lovely iDevice I would be watching thunderous storm clouds roll on by. They look ominous.  The sky is awash with a pale red. Which for his time of night makes it all a little eerie. The silence being broken only by the whirring of the fans and the ticking of the clocks just adds to the effect.

As always my brain feels like it is doing over time.  Children are either sleeping or close to it.  The dishes are quietly waiting by the side of the sink. They are rinsed and partially clean and may well sit there till morning since there are not really many at all.  My body feels like it has become one with the sofa... I am honestly of sure if I ever want to move again.

Ok so that might be a slight exaggeration but I could happily not move from here for quite some time.  Alas though I must.

This slumbering child is slowly becoming sticky and sweaty.  Despite the fan and the breeze the air is still warm, especially when two bodies are so close together.  I know I should move her but there is something I love about holding a sleeping child.  They are so relaxed and peaceful.  Their innocence so obvious.

I should be thinking about what it is I am going make matter this week. My poor little Me & YOU meme that has way more me than you is still waiting for me to link in this week's goal.  With so many important things in life to make matter it is hard to come up with just one each week.  It is hard not to get despondent and question if the meme itself matters at times but deep done I know that it does.  The changes that I can see.  Feel even.  Life is better because of the time I have taken to make things matter.

Thinking about it disapaites the moment. The bliss is slowly fading as the slumbering child suddenly feels heavy and my neck stiff from maintaining such an awkward position in order to write all of this.

I know the moment I stop typing the spell will be broken and not likely to be created at again.  When I carry the  baby up to her cot I will discover one child not actually sleeping and remember the washing still waiting ever so patiently (as it always does) to be hung, folded got in and put away. Each stage of the dreaded chore needing to be done more than once as well.  No wonder I was reluctant to end my magical relaxation session.

Though I mustn't be greedy I did manage to have a whole 30 minutes to myself earlier this afternoon.  I wisely used that time to complete day 2 week 1 of my ease into 5 km app.  I feel all kinds of cool I can tell you!!

For more total coolness head over and check out some of the other great IBOT posts