Wednesday, February 22

I have this feeling...

A horrible, sinking sensation, right at the bottom of my stomach.  At least that is where it starts.  I can feel it slowly creeping up my chest and forming a lump in my throat.  If feels like fear.  Like there is something lurking for me just out of sight.

I don't know what it is and I don't know where it came from.  All I know is that it is here and I don't like it.  At all.  Not one little bit.

Sadly this is not the first time I have felt like this.  In fact in some ways it is an all too familiar feeling.  Yet it is also totally unknown.  I keep telling myself it will be alright.  Though not even I really believe that.  How can I when I don't even know what it is?

It's like there is some turmoil rolling around inside of me.  Something that shouldn't be the way that it is.  Something I need to change, or work out or perhaps just let go of?  Whatever it is I just can't place it or shake it for that matter.

I spent some time going through some old journals today, perhaps that is it.  There is much in my past I wish were not there.  Steps that were taken on the journey through adolescences to adulthood that I would rather not have taken.  A phase of life that I am glad to have passed.

The path that I took, the choices I made, I know they brought me to where I am today, but surely, I can't help but wonder if there weren't another way?  I love the life I have and all that it is.  I know that it is purely because of the things that I did, but there are some things I just wish weren't there.  There are somethings I just don't care to admit.

Alas though I must.





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10 comments:

  1. Anonymous22 February 2012 at 12:59

    sounds like how I feel when I'm having anxiety spells. perhaps it is going back over things you'd rather not remember. but they are in the best place they can be - the past. It is ok to remember decisions we made, things we'd done, that we wish we hadn't, if only for the pure fact they'll remind us not to make the same decisions again in the future. Hope the feeling passes soon. I know what you mean, and it is not pleasant.

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    1. Rhianna 24 February 2012 at 20:59

      Thanks lovely, so to hear you know what I speak of you are right it is not pleasane

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  2. Unknown22 February 2012 at 13:56

    Our past, as much as it is painful, refines us to who we've become today. And that is always a good thing when we reflect on how far we've come. Hoping this passes soon for you.

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    1. Rhianna 24 February 2012 at 21:01

      Thanks Debbie, I am big believer in everything happening for a reason and not regretting the past since it can not been changed

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  3. EssentiallyJess22 February 2012 at 15:23

    Oh Rhi I hope you're ok. I always feel funny going over old things too

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  4. Angela Watkins22 February 2012 at 17:30

    It's ennui, and it's a very common sensation. It's also fleeting :) I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Rhianna 24 February 2012 at 21:02

      Thanks gorgeous and can I just say ennui is a very cool sounding word

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  5. Happylan22 February 2012 at 18:09

    Rhi, I hope Angela's right and it's just ennui, but it could be the beginning of anxiety, so if you feel like it's continuing or getting worse, please see somebody about it. Take care of yourself beautiful x x

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    1. Rhianna 24 February 2012 at 21:02

      Thanks lovely I am sure it was just fleeting xx

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Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you, thanks for stopping by, it really means a lot, you taking the time so say hi. I try as much as I can to write a reply but if for some chance I don't get to it please know that I always read them.

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