Monday, November 7

Letting go, moving on, and being done.

Towards the end of last month I headed on a bit of a downward spiral.  Things were pretty bleak at my house.  It has been a very long time since I felt in such a bad place.  In fact I can't even care to remember when I last felt so emotional.  Like over the top emotional, everything makes me want to cry.

While I was busy having my very own pity party I began to write the following post.

Ok so this whole drama that happened late last week is still hanging over my head.  Well at least I think that is where to lay blame for this cloud of doom and gloom that appears to have possessed me.  Actually it is more like it is chewing away at my heart.  There is this most awful sensation running through my upper body causing havoc with a great many number of things.

I had put the constant tears down to an unexpected visit from the red dragon.  However she is now getting ready to leave and the burning desire to constantly have tears streaming down my face is shows no signs of letting go.  Which I am not a fan of.  I feel so drained right now.  Every. Little. Thing. is Hard. Work.  And I mean really really hard work.

At first I thought that maybe this was what the start of depression felt like.  But naturally I don't want to be depressed (who does) so I banished those thoughts.  After all I am a strong capable and pretty awesome woman.  I might get a little lost and distracted along the way at times but on the whole I am generally pretty confident that at the end of the day all will be ok.

Only the days are becoming so long I am beginning to wonder exactly what ok actually is.

See the thing is I feel like I have been wounded.  I have been misunderstood and every time I try to explain how I am feeling I just make it worse.  Yesterday I was certain I had given my last attempt to make amends.  To seek forgiveness and assurance that all really was ok.  One some level that was all received but I am still injured.

Perhaps the other party is too I guess.  Only I don't know because they have gone to great lengths to ignore all my attempts to show just how incredibly sorry I was. Am.  How sorry I am.  Sorry not just for what has happened but sorry for so much more as well.  Sorry we were never able to click like I think we should of.  Technically I guess there is still time but I hold little hope.

You see I have let so much just slip on by over the years.  So many time I felt wronged by some words or actions from them but I never said anything.  I let it all go.  Because that is what you do when you love someone.  I would convince myself that there was a chance I had it all wrong.  I had misinterpreted the signals.  Picked up the wrong message.  I am still telling myself that.  And really it is irrelevant whether it is true or not because at the end of the day I want them in my life.  Sometimes when you really want people in your life you just let things slide.  This is what I should have done.  I should have just stayed right away from it all and let everyone else fight it out without me.  But I didn't.  Live and learn I guess

There are a number of reasons why I didn't hit the publish button.  The first of which being I didn't feel it was quite finished.  Yet my original intention of the post wasn't exactly shared the way it was in my head.  Not that that is anything new but I just wasn't sure about being so emotional.  Again.  I was a little concerned that all the down in the dumps from the previous few posts might be wearing thin.  Given the size of my readership I certainly don't want to bore anyone with my woes.  Especially since there are people out there with real problems (yes yes I know it is all relative but my saga is by nowhere near what some poor people have to endure.)

Anyway now that the dust has all settled I feel much more comfortable sharing the above.  Well sort of.  I am still slightly concerned that some may misinterpret my comments about depression.  Only I remind myself that I can not be responsible for the way that people interpret what I write any more than I am responsible if someone misunderstands my best intentions.

So finally I am able to let this whole thing go.  I still feel wounded and I still feel grossly misunderstood but I also know the stubbornness of the party involved and I just don't have that kind of angst in me.  My point will never be accepted and I am now fine with that.  I admit there was a period where I thought I was going to insist that my voice be heard but thankfully wisdom kicked in and I realised the less said the better (well at least on this matter)

Since it is Tuesday I am joining in with the lovely Jess over at Essentially Jess