15 Minutes

That's how long I've got here. After that Teapot and I are meant to be taking #Lilythedog for a walk. Based on the fact that T is currently sitting on the outside couch perusing the Bookclub catalogue there is a fairly high chance our departure is more than 15 minutes away. 

 

Especially since I have just remember some online training I'm meant to complete for work.

So this time twelve months ago things were a very different affair. I was certainly not just casually sitting on my back deck typing away. No. Not even close. My entire world felt like it had been completely shattered and was almost irreversible. I had no idea what I was going to do.

All very dramatic I know, but trust me, the shit that had just imploded in my life was fucking huge. So huge I can't even bring myself to not use sweary words.

Very few people were privy to what happened. Even now I still don't really openly discuss what occurred. Which I must admit causes some internal conflict. It is a topic that I feel should be discussed openly because it is something that affects so many people. But. In this instance it is not my story to own. While it is part of my story, it is not mine to tell. And yes, I know I could ask permission  to share from the story owner, but I don't want to. I'm not ready to have that conversation yet and I am not sure they are ready to tell it anyway.

All that really matters now though is that at the end of the day the number one rule* was adhered to. 

The number one rule, in case you were wondering is 'Don't die' When we were living #ouradventureofalifetime, we met the most wonderful of families. They had two children around the same age as The Little Two and a set up that was eerily similar to Edna and Patty. I can't recall at this point whether I've ever mentioned them here before, I'm sure I must has as this family felt like kindred spirits to us. We spent many a wonderful night with them as our paths continued to coincidently cross.

Teapot has just appeared, ready for our walk so my time here is up.

....uhm.....

Yeah.....

So I managed to somewhat dubiously write three posts in a row out and then returned to the radio silence. I didn't want to say it out loud for fear of cursing myself but I had intended to write a post every day...

Look how well that worked out.

Anyways I am here now and that is all that matters is it not? I may only have a dismal 13% of battery life on the old lappy but you can't win them all no can you? Besides the added pressure of an imminent shut down is just the incentive I need to not be distracted by all the shiny things on the internets.

What to say though.

I'm still trying to unwind from the day that was. I have been home approximately forty minutes.

And fu.....

.....I just remembered my food delivery for the week was still sitting in the car from when I got home. Lucky I swapped my once tropical lifestyle for the current arctic version hey?

As much as locals here may say winter of 2019 was in fact on of Mother Nature's more kinder winter's I have felt nothing but frozen for far too long now. I just want to feel the golden sun's beaming rays penetrate through to my soul. Is that too much to ask?

But back to my food delivery. (Mainly because it is something easy to talk about and honestly I feel like I am kinda scrapping the bottom of the barrel as far as topics to write about go. 

Anyways.

I have momentarily become one of those people, who rather than drive their self crazy with the endless barrage of what to cook for dinner every f*&king night, opt for the just have it all sent to you in a box option. Today's box is only the second delivery and it came with a hundred dollar wine voucher so it's hard not to be a bit in love.

Sure it is a little more expensive than what I would normally spend. If I was one of those domestic goddess/totally organised and meal plan type of person. 

But I'm not. 

I'm much more of a buy whatever crap is cheapest each and every night because the thought of cooking dinner does my head in and I hate it because how hard is it to have something that everyone will enjoy when you are cooking for more than one person?

Well I just got my final I'm about to shut down warning from the laptop and I daren't push my luck to far is I'll just hit publish for now

x

January 12 2019. Or day three

It’s been so long since I’ve been here I wonder if I even remember what to do. Trying to sign in on my phone rather than laptop only adds to my procrastination. Thankfully all the passwords are saved in some browser memory iCloud somewhere so there is no need to me to rely on my own abilities.

----------------------------

Apparently by the time I had managed to get started on my phone, even with the assistance of the magic cloud, the idea to write had dissipated before I actually managed to.

Not today though Josephine.

This is actually the second garbled junk I am going to hit publish on for today. Though it will not actually be published till tomorrow so if you are reading this your today is not the same as mine.

There is no real relevance to this photo.
Old skool blogging me had a rule about always
including a photo so here's a photo.
It was taken up in the Kimberly's on
#ouradventureofalifetime

The whole today and tomorrow concept has always intrigued me. Unfortunately though not in a way I can clearly articulate to others. The whole time continuum thing has always messed with me head though. As much as time is so measured I also feel it is somewhat subjective. You know when hours feel like minutes and hours fly by like seconds? That kind of thing.

Whenever I start thinking about time in any sort of depth I am always thrown back in time to when my lover at the time smashed his had through our wall clock.  We were young and dumb and tripping on some sort of acid tab. It was this thing that dissolved on your tongue and altered your mind and perception and all kinds of things. It was pretty much the first and last time I ever did such a thing.

If you were into that kind of thing though I'm pretty sure that this was the type of trip that many desired. I had numerous out of body experiences, hallucinations and just generally way out there stuff going on. Some of which was actually quite emotionally traumatic for me. As it turned out it was a time in my life when I was on the cusp of some of my most dramatic life changes, I just hadn't quite realised it at the time.

I do wish I kept better memories of those years.

I know that I feel the same about the last three or so years.

That was one of the things I have always loved about this little space. The way it has always so perfectly captured my moments of time. For as long as I can remember I have worried about not being able to remember moments. It was my biggest inspiration for keeping journals and diaries in my teenage years as well as the foundation of this space.

There as so many moments in our life that at the time could appear so insignificant but at a later point in time could well fill us with the warm and fuzzies.

Mind you these years that have flown by undocumented are filled with anything but warm and fuzzy feelings. Perhaps that is why I have avoided writing them down?

Life's all about learning from mistakes though?

Man have I made some doozie's at times though.

Oh well. Live and learn right?

February 9 2019. Alternatively two days in a row.

I'm not sure what scares me most. The blank white screen, or the flashing cursor patiently anticipating my first tentative click. 

It has been so long since I've let the words flow that I am not sure I even know how to do it any more.

I'm...

God...

Do I even know what I am any more??

I doubt it.

Do any of us really know what it is that we want these days?

I don't think so.

How can we??? When the opportunities are so apparently boundless....

I started this post way back in February. Weirdly the birthdate of my first kiss.

Oh be still my beating heart. Even after all these years (41-14 if you want to do the maths)

He was my Italian Stallion. Sadly I didn't treat him as well as I should have. A few months after this magical moment I found myself in the arms of a rather dashingly gorgeous blonde swimmer who was staying at our house so he could attend a major sporting event in my home town.

On a side note you gotta love the eighties where is was perfectly fine to send you child to the other side of the country to stay with another family that you had never met so they could attend a sporting event. This particular event was the Pacific School Games and was actually quite a big deal as it was actually an international event. Over the years as I was growing up we were forever having different kids coming and staying with us for various exchange programs. Sadly I never actually got to be exchanged though.

Now where was I?

Who knows???

Desperately trying to get some words on the screen.

The dying days of winter here in the south west have been an unusual mix. It would be unfair to call the cold bitter as such, even though I am currently sitting here shivering away as I type. I guess it has been more relentless than anything. The sun just has no warmth to it.

Our new home has a fireplace in it. Oh how I love thee.

It did not take long for me to work out how to have it constantly burning. I don't think the inside temperature has fallen below 24 degrees, and it has at times solidly sat just above 26. I take great pride in my lack of need for firelighters.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Rhianna Writes (@rhiannasrambles) on Jun 29, 2019 at 9:03am PDT

This was pretty much one of our first fires here. I know it wasn't our first night here I just cant remember if we had a fire the first night or not. I cant see how we wouldn't have mind you.

Of course now I am just rambling. Filling in the blank space.

Essentially I am just showing up. Sometimes showing up is all you can do. Even if you don't know what you should be doing or you don't want to be there. Sometimes showing up is enough. At least showing up is a start and a start is always better than nothing right?

And on that deep and not so meaningful note I am going to love and leave this post. There are still three other golden oldie drafts that I am determined to post regardless of how little sense they may make

Ok then

You would be forgiven for thinking that this little space on the inter webs had been given up for dead. After all it is well over a year since anything was last posted and even back then the possibility of this remaining as a growing space was incredibly doubtful. 

But yet here I still am.

For whatever the reason I just can't seem to let go of this little space. I can vaguely recall when it held  so much promise and possibility. It really did make me feel like there was at least some small slither of hope that I could maybe, just maybe be able to be a real live writer. Rather than one who just spent their whole existence dreaming that in some parallel universe words flowed from them imparted on to the world for deep contemplation.

Dreams hey? 

I feel like I should catch you up on all that has happened in my absence but honestly, and without sounding too cliche, I don't really know where to begin. I guess that could mainly be because I'm not really sure where I left off. I know I could trail through the archives but I don't want to waste any precious writing time right now.

So in a nutshell here is where I am currently at. In bullet form so a) I don't get too off topic and b) just for shiggles (shits & giggles)

• Still incredibly happily married to Mr Awesome 
• Currently living in the Southwest of Western Australia
• Lovely turned 18 and spread her wings. Which took her to the other side of the country.
• Gainfully employed at the local supermarket learning how life can be fulfilling without any sort of career or career prospects
• The Little Two, are no longer quite so little at the tender ages of 9 & 13
• Furry friends include, Lily the Dog, Lexi the Cat and of course Summer the Bird

Some things that have not really changed include

• the fact I am not and quite possibly never be a domestic goddess
• Mount Washmore is in fat never ending
• I am the Queen of Procrastination.

Poor woe is me

It's late afternoon. The sun is well and truly on her descent for the day. I'm sitting on a chair in the garden trying to soak the last of her diminishing rays. The gentle breeze blowing by does not aid in my quest.

My eyes are red and burning. The residual sting of earlier tears lingering longer than I care for.

One dear customer left me with this today

I cried at work today.

On the checkouts.

While serving customers.

It took nearly four customers till I could pull myself together. I wasn't a complete blubbering mess but I know there was pain in my eyes that they could not help but to see.

My mind was doing the cruelest of things to me. It was so mean and hurtful, yet I know that in a bizarre twisted way it was meant with kindness and love.

Not that, that really makes it ok.

As much as I always hope for the best, I often prepare for the worst. A kind of safety net I guess. That's what was happening today.

I'm waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview from last week. It's still with the same company, just a different position and most definitely a promotion. I hate hearing myself say it, but if I'm brutally honest there is a part of me that thinks I deserve this. Actually brutal honesty is to admit that I think I should have just been offered the position.

So you see my quandary?

To not be given this will be devastating. I have worked hard and I know I am the right person for the job. To be told I'm not will be akin to being told I am useless. It's like I'm already mourning because my stupid head got sick of waiting for the outcome to be revealed. On the upside though at least I now feel like I might be able to cope with the direst of outcomes. Nothing could be worse than what I have put myself through today.

An admission

I've been sitting here for over half an hour with the intention of writing. I no sooner opened the laptop and my procrastination went into overdrive. There were emails to be read, government agencies to check in with and old posts that kept grabbing my attention.

Thankfully I became aware of my predicament and was able to swiftly take action.

It is not easy mind you.

My mind, as always, is racing all over the place.

In a bid to avoid going completely numb as the early stages of what feels like hyperthermia set my body has taken shivering to Olympic Games levels. 

Which if I were to be sitting outside in the middle of winter I could understand. 

But I am not. 

I am sitting outside as the first month of summer draws to an end. Since when did 13.3 degrees and dropping become an approved summer's night temperature?

So why am I sitting outside when it is ridiculously cold I hear you ask.

Well that is a very good question, sadly with not the greatest of answers. 

About this time last year I started smoking again.

Yeah, terrible I know. It was only meant to be one, and then only one packet and then only for one month and now only for one year. I have to do whatever it takes to stop. 

Well I'm till trying.

I mean I'm here so that is a start I guess.

The wind is blowing just a little to hard for my liking. It is probably only a strong breeze really, but there is an icy chill to it harshly reminding me just how close to Antartica I am. Which if you are new here I am not actually close to as such just closer than the tropical paradise I grew up in.

It turns out that the novelty of experiencing spring quickly wore off when I discovered that spring doesn't actually just magically appear because the calendar said she should. You would not believe how disappointed I was.

Though the sun is actually shining today so I shouldn't complain too much. Her appearances round here can be a very half hearted effort at times. Can you tell I love the sunshine?

Back in the Territory I just assumed that when the sun got up she always went at full pelt and tried to make it as hot as possible. Give it her all to send as much warmth as possible our way. Turns out down in the South West the sun is a little more lazy.

It's like she goes fine I'll get up and shine but I'm not going to put any energy into.

That's probably all of got for today. The chill is just too much for me to deal with. And besides that I'm starving and I only have 90 minutes before I leave to pick up Lovely, watch Teapot's school assembly and get myself to work. Naturally there are 5 million things I need to do in that time

A poem

I love you so much
Your kisses, your smile
Your aura brings a smile to my whole being.
Being with you is like being in the warmth of the sun.
Enveloping and comforting.

Touching you feels like silk beneath my fingers.
A feeling that you never want to let go of.
Something that you want to caress forever.
And ever.

Your hands on my body
Your lips on mine
Put me in a state of ecstasy.
The whole world is forgotten.

It's just you.

You make.
You complete me.
You are all and everything.

Without you I'm lost.

It's been a while...

Actually it has been more than a while since I last tried to share here. Well over a year in fact. And a for a long time before that I only only shared sporadically. I stopped feeling like I belonged here. It no longer felt like my space.

I did try and create new spaces but they didn't really feel right either. For a very long time it felt like I didn't belong anywhere. And by anywhere I don't just mean the online world. I was also having troubles fitting into the real world.

Truth be told I'm still a little scared about where I do belong but there is a louder voice yelling out to me that says of course I belong here so just write. So that's what I'm going to do.

Life is it's usually busyness. However it is filled with mundane everyday occurrences so it also seems there is a lot of nothingness. 

Working nights for the last two years has taken quite a toll on me. Which is something I have only recently discovered and I was quite frankly taken by surprised by.

Thankfully the universe had my back and the planets aligned so that a more day based position became available when I needed it most. A chance to learn a new department and do something different is always welcomed in my book.

So what else have I been up to I hear you ask?

Well, not a lot really. That is part of the toll that two year of working nights has taken. I was so burnt out and tired from only four to five hours sleep in a twenty four hour period I had no energy to do anything of interest. Life has merely been a case of putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that eventually I would get somewhere.

Somehow I have managed to squeeze regular exercise into almost daily life. It is probably fair to say that I am fitter than ever before. April saw me run my first half marathon. Sunday just gone saw me run my second. I may not have broken any land speed records, but I didn't come last either. I also didn't actually prepare for either event I just hoped that my body was up to it. Thankfully it was.

I did it! I’m not gunna lie, I found the last 6km super hard. So much harder than I remember from last time. On the upside though I somehow managed to shave a few minutes off. Not as many as I would have liked but I’m still pretty happy. After last week’s 10km I was adamant that next year I would run a full marathon. Right now I’m not so sure. Maybe I will settle for putting in some proper training for the half and see if I can go faster. #timewilltell #runrhiannarun #bunburysurftosurf

A post shared by Rhianna Writes (@rhiannasrambles) on Oct 14, 2017 at 9:21pm PDT

My brain fluctuates from having so much to say to complete emptiness in micro seconds.

Obviously it is currently in the complete emptiness stage.

Lovely is messaging me. Demanding if I want more help around the house I need to buy new furniture. That child drains me so some days. 

No wonder my mind is blank.

I promise I'll be back soon

The start of something

This is another of those sitting in my inbox since forever posts that I am not sure what to do with other than just publish.

The title is so fitting to so many aspects of my life though. I am always aware that I am at the 'start of something'. Sometimes I don't think I even know what that something is, I just know that it is something.

Anyway I am starting to ramble and since I have already done that once today I will refrain from any more. It is Tuesday and I have blogged and while I haven't for a while I am a bit excited to be joining in with #IBOT

It was hot and sticky.  The air thick and heavy.  The weather man said it might rain but what would he know?  He was only guessing anyway.  They all were. No one could predict the weather on a regular basis nor any other of life's daily events.  Apparently that was half the fun.  The unpredictability and uncertainty of it all, that was what was meant to keep people going.  Sure spontaneity and surprise had it's advantages but sometimes there was nothing better than a guarantee in life.  Of course these are few and far between but that is what makes them so great.  They are worth the wait.

If you waited long enough even the weather can be guaranteed.

In early October it is only guaranteed to rain if your car windows are down or your washing out.  This becomes void though if it is done on purpose.  Mind you the way the air hung so still there was no chance of rain tonight even if she had forgotten to get the washing in. Assuming of course she had actually managed to put a load on and hung it out.

It had been another long day.  Yet nothing was really accomplished.  She seemed to wade through life without ever touching the bottom or even the sides for that matter.  She certainly wasn't complaining though.  After all no one but herself was the master of her destiny.  Not even the fairies.  Sure they could lead her in the right direction but the choices to make were all her own.

Time and time again she had wished for them to just be able to tell her which choice to make but they never did. Nor would they ever.  It was always the same old answer.  "You must choose yourself, follow your heart"

How was she ever supposed to follow her heart when quite often her head was in disagreeance?

She got up.  Peeling her back from the plastic chair as she did.  How was it possible to sweat so much in such a short period of time?  She had only been sitting outside a few moments and already the sweat was pouring out of her like a leaky tap.

It had been nearly 170 days since it last rained.  Her body longed to feel the cool wet drops rain again.  Surely it wouldn't be to far away now.  It was a little late this year but not yet long overdue. They had gone much longer without rain before.  The year of '73 saw 203 days without rain.  When it did finally come though it didn't stop for a week.

Three days ago

That's how long ago I sat down to start this post, three days.

I mean obviously I haven't been sitting here all that time because I am a mother and as such in that time I have had to feed and tend to the family, not to mention working on top of that as well.

Ok scratch that.

It is now some nine days since this post first sprung into creation, yet failed to actually grow into anything of publishable worth. Though it feels like so very much longer. This whole working nights thing is really cutting into my writing time and ability. Still it must be done.

Anyway here is what I managed to get out when I first sat to write this.

I swear not just two minutes ago my head was filled with a thousand different thoughts. All of them totally amazing and ready to drastically change the world as we know it. Or at least my world and how I know it.

Of course by the time I manage to open a browser and get to the insert-a-post page on Blogger, my brain has suddenly become void of any coherent thought pattern and is instead filled with a thousand. or possibly even more, distractions. I am not to sure why this surprises me because I have always said that I have the attention span of a gnat. If of course you assume a gnat has an incredibly short attention span.

Easily distracted is certainly an understatement when referring to me.

There just always seems to be so much on the go at one time that I feel the need to do it all at once. Clearly prioritising may not be a strong point of mine.

big breath.

And bang fast forward some three months till today. That's how long this draft has been sitting in my inbox. I don't like having drafts. I like to just put it out there as quick as I can. Raw and unedited, straight from brain to screen.

In reality little has changed between then and now. Well apart from it getting colder. The cold is so consuming. I just constantly feel numb and frozen.

At least when you are sweltering in the heat you can go and jump in the pool and cool down. The cold just makes me want to curl up and hibernate till spring. Just over one more month. It is my constant mantra. Soon the sun will really start to shine.

In the meantime I just need to remember to make the most of it when it is here.

Getting out there

Earlier today I was out wandering the streets and somehow managed to write a rather long Instagram post. Which I must admit, it felt rather cool. My brain felt like it was slowly returning to life as I once knew it. Where I only had to think about starting a new blog post and before I knew it words would spew forth at knots seen only on the stormiest of seas.

I had more ideas in that half hour walk to school and back than I have had in a whole year. Or at least that was how it felt. Mind you fitting all them into one little Instagram post was beyond impossible.

Oh hi there! I'm Rhianna and it is so nice to see you stop by. 

Though I know heaps of you already know that but I just wanted to introduce 

myself to any newbies that might have joined me. 

Anyways I am currently locked out of my house and therefore roaming the streets in the search of keys. 

Not that I really need to search as such because I pretty much know exactly where they are. 

Hiding in Zany's school bag (which is naturally with her at school). 

Which is exactly where I told her to put them this morning. I just didn't realise I would be going home this early. 

It's all good though because I was meant to get up early and go for a run but I didn't. So this will kind of make up for that. 

I would have run down here had it not been for the fact I was wearing old crappy sneakers 

that hurt last time I wore them running. 

My particularly #awesome #pt #fishlockedjo has given me a little workout session to do so 

I will bang that out as soon as I get home. 

Changing the topic slightly, can you see that white van in the background? Looks suspiciously dodge to me. Agree? Originally this post was supposed to be about that van 

but I got so busy rambling away I am now totally side tracked. 

On another side note hands up who knew I once had a blog called Rhianna's Random Rambles 

but I changed it because I thought it was to long and ramble?

 Anyways for a micro blogging platform I am pretty sure this post has gone on for far too long. 

Which is kind of a good thing because it means words are finally flowing for me which has not happened for a while now. Maybe it's time for a(nother) new name?

For example I never got to explain how uncomfortable I was sharing that particular image of myself because I didn't like the look of my chin and neck. But it was the only photo in which I would have had the white van in there as I didn't think of having it photo bomb my photo until it was nearly out of sight.

So I stuck with the photo that made me slightly uncomfortable to look at because I knew no one other than me would think ill of it. Plus I really wanted to show off my pretty braids. I was expecting to be doing some grubby yucky work today so I thought it best to keep my hair neatly out the way. I didn't think anything of it till I bumped into a man I met early last year. He was with some mutual friends who went to introduce us but I told them there was no need. Turns out there was though because apparently having my hair done in such a fancy way made me unrecognisable from last year.

Having the white van in the image was important because I wanted to talk about how judgey I felt thinking it was up to no good or perhaps even watching someone who was up to no good. Because obviously a white van like that is either an undercover surveillance or criminals. People don't just have big white vans with super dark tint because they like it.

Grumble, Whinge

It was the Easter Sunday eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.

Oh wait, wrong holiday.

Waves of exhaustion continued to sweep both through and over her body. Yet sleep still seemed to elude her. Or perhaps she just resisted the temptation to sleep? Either way, she was awake, a circumstance that did not appear to be changing anytime soon.

There was a part of her that longed so dearly to go and find comforting solace between the sheets of her bed, to rest her weary bones and shut down from the enfeeblement the consumed her, but it was just not to be. Her mind was filled with thoughts that were so busy jostling for attention that she feared it's neverending over analysing of ever little detail would never end. Ever.

Of course in reality there was never really a chance of that actually happening. The reality is that her mind was so good at distracting itself that it never did anything all the time. Sometimes she could get so distracted that things that needed doing would never actually get done. Often that which was started would not make it to being finished.

Much like these written words.

When I found myself in the early hours of Sunday morning actually managing to coherently string words together I was so incredibly excited that I just couldn't help but share my joy with my lovely followers on Facebook.

It is twenty to one on Easter Sunday morning. I should either be sleeping or hiding eggs. Instead I am writing. Like...
Posted by Rhianna Writes about A Parenting Life on Saturday, 26 March 2016

Only you know what?

By the time I had finished sharing that and returned to my words, they were gone.

Well the ones that I had actually managed to write weren't, I just suddenly had no new ones to add to them.

So so much sighing.

Anyway long story short my inspiration to write dwindled quicker than it had appeared. It has taken till now (Friday), nearly a week, for me to have once again found myself in a position to sit and write.

This makes me terribly sad.

I really do want to be a writer. I do.

Why I never make the time to sit and actually write though eludes me in the same way I can't find what it is to make me go and exercise.

Grumble, grumble, grumble, whinge, whinge, whinge.

And breath and sigh and...

There are a million if not trillion things that I want to try and spit out right now. They are all vying for the opening in my brain that allows them to become thought out enough to form the right words to be able to then form coherent sentences. The fact that I have to type on the world's most slowest responding bluetooth keyboard does nothing to assist in this matter either. There is no denying that I am a bit of a fast typer. It comes with sitting in front of a computer and writing as many words as what I have written over the years I guess, anyways, as a fast typing touch typer it makes for very hard writing when the letters you are pressing are not actually the ones that are being displayed on the screen in front of me because the stupid $10 fluro keyboard (that was better than having no keyboard at all) can't seem to keep up with the speed at which fingertips are tapped upon it. Grrrrr....

Now where was I?

Oh yes that's right, madly trying to get out a post because school pick up time is fast approaching which means the peace and quiet I am currently experiencing will immediately becoming demolished. (Just for the record the majority of this post was written at this point, only it took some 11 days till I actually managed to get it ready to hit publish. I back dated though)

Sigh.

So much sighing actually.

I was writing an email to one of Lovely's teachers today and wanted to put in sighing but somehow managed to refrain. Actually I know exactly how I refrained. I often wonder if readers here actually feel my sigh when I use it, it is certainly not something I can just assume a HASS (Health and Social Science) teacher would feel with me.

yes even more sighing.

Possibly even a bit of an eyebrow furrow and face rub with one hand.

That dear child really does my head in some days. It is fair to say that I am not finding parenting a teen smooth sailing. Which kinda makes me feel like a bit of a failure. Not a complete one yet, but part of me feels there could still be time for that to change. Some days she shows so much potential for making it in life and then others...

deep breath out.

I know, I shouldn't be talking about such things out here in the public eye, but trust me there is so much more not being said that if I don't let just a little bit out I may well explode. And nobody want's that do they?

A couple of months back now I discovered that in her refusal to sleep at night she was passing the time by trawling through my old posts. I guess that is one of the reasons I haven't been here much.

Well that and the fact that working nights requires a lot more energy than I first realised. As much as it means I have my days free, it is in fact impossible to navigate through life without any sleep. Trust me I have tried.

Again with lots of deep breaths and sighs.