Wednesday, May 23

Poor woe is me

It's late afternoon. The sun is well and truly on her descent for the day. I'm sitting on a chair in the garden trying to soak the last of her diminishing rays. The gentle breeze blowing by does not aid in my quest.

My eyes are red and burning. The residual sting of earlier tears lingering longer than I care for.

One dear customer left me with this today
I cried at work today.

On the checkouts.

While serving customers.

It took nearly four customers till I could pull myself together. I wasn't a complete blubbering mess but I know there was pain in my eyes that they could not help but to see.

My mind was doing the cruelest of things to me. It was so mean and hurtful, yet I know that in a bizarre twisted way it was meant with kindness and love.

Not that, that really makes it ok.

As much as I always hope for the best, I often prepare for the worst. A kind of safety net I guess. That's what was happening today.

I'm waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview from last week. It's still with the same company, just a different position and most definitely a promotion. I hate hearing myself say it, but if I'm brutally honest there is a part of me that thinks I deserve this. Actually brutal honesty is to admit that I think I should have just been offered the position.

So you see my quandary?

To not be given this will be devastating. I have worked hard and I know I am the right person for the job. To be told I'm not will be akin to being told I am useless. It's like I'm already mourning because my stupid head got sick of waiting for the outcome to be revealed. On the upside though at least I now feel like I might be able to cope with the direst of outcomes. Nothing could be worse than what I have put myself through today.

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Friday, December 29

An admission

I've been sitting here for over half an hour with the intention of writing. I no sooner opened the laptop and my procrastination went into overdrive. There were emails to be read, government agencies to check in with and old posts that kept grabbing my attention.

Thankfully I became aware of my predicament and was able to swiftly take action.

It is not easy mind you.

My mind, as always, is racing all over the place.

In a bid to avoid going completely numb as the early stages of what feels like hyperthermia set my body has taken shivering to Olympic Games levels. 
Which if I were to be sitting outside in the middle of winter I could understand. 

But I am not. 

I am sitting outside as the first month of summer draws to an end. Since when did 13.3 degrees and dropping become an approved summer's night temperature?

So why am I sitting outside when it is ridiculously cold I hear you ask.

Well that is a very good question, sadly with not the greatest of answers. 

About this time last year I started smoking again.

Yeah, terrible I know. It was only meant to be one, and then only one packet and then only for one month and now only for one year. I have to do whatever it takes to stop. 

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Wednesday, October 18

Well I'm till trying.

I mean I'm here so that is a start I guess.

The wind is blowing just a little to hard for my liking. It is probably only a strong breeze really, but there is an icy chill to it harshly reminding me just how close to Antartica I am. Which if you are new here I am not actually close to as such just closer than the tropical paradise I grew up in.

It turns out that the novelty of experiencing spring quickly wore off when I discovered that spring doesn't actually just magically appear because the calendar said she should. You would not believe how disappointed I was.

Though the sun is actually shining today so I shouldn't complain too much. Her appearances round here can be a very half hearted effort at times. Can you tell I love the sunshine?

Back in the Territory I just assumed that when the sun got up she always went at full pelt and tried to make it as hot as possible. Give it her all to send as much warmth as possible our way. Turns out down in the South West the sun is a little more lazy.

It's like she goes fine I'll get up and shine but I'm not going to put any energy into.

That's probably all of got for today. The chill is just too much for me to deal with. And besides that I'm starving and I only have 90 minutes before I leave to pick up Lovely, watch Teapot's school assembly and get myself to work. Naturally there are 5 million things I need to do in that time

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Tuesday, October 17

It's been a while...

Actually it has been more than a while since I last tried to share here. Well over a year in fact. And a for a long time before that I only only shared sporadically. I stopped feeling like I belonged here. It no longer felt like my space.

I did try and create new spaces but they didn't really feel right either. For a very long time it felt like I didn't belong anywhere. And by anywhere I don't just mean the online world. I was also having troubles fitting into the real world.

Truth be told I'm still a little scared about where I do belong but there is a louder voice yelling out to me that says of course I belong here so just write. So that's what I'm going to do.

Life is it's usually busyness. However it is filled with mundane everyday occurrences so it also seems there is a lot of nothingness. 

Working nights for the last two years has taken quite a toll on me. Which is something I have only recently discovered and I was quite frankly taken by surprised by.

Thankfully the universe had my back and the planets aligned so that a more day based position became available when I needed it most. A chance to learn a new department and do something different is always welcomed in my book.

So what else have I been up to I hear you ask?

Well, not a lot really. That is part of the toll that two year of working nights has taken. I was so burnt out and tired from only four to five hours sleep in a twenty four hour period I had no energy to do anything of interest. Life has merely been a case of putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that eventually I would get somewhere.

Somehow I have managed to squeeze regular exercise into almost daily life. It is probably fair to say that I am fitter than ever before. April saw me run my first half marathon. Sunday just gone saw me run my second. I may not have broken any land speed records, but I didn't come last either. I also didn't actually prepare for either event I just hoped that my body was up to it. Thankfully it was.

My brain fluctuates from having so much to say to complete emptiness in micro seconds.

Obviously it is currently in the complete emptiness stage.

Lovely is messaging me. Demanding if I want more help around the house I need to buy new furniture. That child drains me so some days. 

No wonder my mind is blank.

I promise I'll be back soon

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Tuesday, July 26

The start of something

This is another of those sitting in my inbox since forever posts that I am not sure what to do with other than just publish.

The title is so fitting to so many aspects of my life though. I am always aware that I am at the 'start of something'. Sometimes I don't think I even know what that something is, I just know that it is something.

Anyway I am starting to ramble and since I have already done that once today I will refrain from any more. It is Tuesday and I have blogged and while I haven't for a while I am a bit excited to be joining in with #IBOT

It was hot and sticky.  The air thick and heavy.  The weather man said it might rain but what would he know?  He was only guessing anyway.  They all were. No one could predict the weather on a regular basis nor any other of life's daily events.  Apparently that was half the fun.  The unpredictability and uncertainty of it all, that was what was meant to keep people going.  Sure spontaneity and surprise had it's advantages but sometimes there was nothing better than a guarantee in life.  Of course these are few and far between but that is what makes them so great.  They are worth the wait.

If you waited long enough even the weather can be guaranteed.

In early October it is only guaranteed to rain if your car windows are down or your washing out.  This becomes void though if it is done on purpose.  Mind you the way the air hung so still there was no chance of rain tonight even if she had forgotten to get the washing in. Assuming of course she had actually managed to put a load on and hung it out.

It had been another long day.  Yet nothing was really accomplished.  She seemed to wade through life without ever touching the bottom or even the sides for that matter.  She certainly wasn't complaining though.  After all no one but herself was the master of her destiny.  Not even the fairies.  Sure they could lead her in the right direction but the choices to make were all her own.

Time and time again she had wished for them to just be able to tell her which choice to make but they never did. Nor would they ever.  It was always the same old answer.  "You must choose yourself, follow your heart"

How was she ever supposed to follow her heart when quite often her head was in disagreeance?

She got up.  Peeling her back from the plastic chair as she did.  How was it possible to sweat so much in such a short period of time?  She had only been sitting outside a few moments and already the sweat was pouring out of her like a leaky tap.

It had been nearly 170 days since it last rained.  Her body longed to feel the cool wet drops rain again.  Surely it wouldn't be to far away now.  It was a little late this year but not yet long overdue. They had gone much longer without rain before.  The year of '73 saw 203 days without rain.  When it did finally come though it didn't stop for a week.

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