Saturday, April 13

Whoa! Will someone please stop the crazy talk?

A long, long, time ago, long before Lori's life took a directional change, RRSAHM was one of the blogs that I would regularly go and read. To my littlest fish in the ocean eyes she was a much bigger fish, and with good cause. Her posts were always quirky and interesting. She was the blogger that I dreamed to be.

Especially since our blogs both had the words random and rambling in them. At the time I was blogging at Rhianna's Random Ramblings. Not that I actually had any readers, or patiences to keep going to see if I got some.

Me, after lunch, pushing myself to be silly and let go
Also evidence of my crazy and delusional mind
In my obviously crazy and delusional mind I decided that there was no space on the Internet for two bloggers who both used the words random and rambling in their blogspot address. Particularly since I was certain that our writing styles were so similar.

I worried that should anyone ever stop by to read my humble little blog they may accuse me of copying her awesomeness. (Yes I seriously thought this, mainly because we both did lots of small fonted brackets and no one else did)  It was about this time I stopped reading Lori's blog. That way if ever accused I could honestly say there was no risk of any copyright issues. Never mind all the awesome posts that I would never get to read. Told you I had a crazy and delusional mind.

As time went on I gradually forgot about RRSAHM and Lori and for a while even blogging. When I did return to have a read of the crazy jelly bean lady who had my blog name (not really though only in my crazy head) Her life had been turned upside down and I felt terrible for resenting her blog had such a cool name.

A couple of times at DPCON13 I found myself standing in amongst a group of people, Lori being amongst them. I may have managed to be on the outskirts on the conversation but there was no way that I could bring myself to actually talk to this amazing woman. You know like really talk. To say, hey I have read your blog for ages, you are a great story teller, thanks for sharing.

No there was nothing like that. I was certain the poor woman was sick of wannabe bloggers fawning over her and singing her praises. Because I am sure that really happens, just as I am sure one would tire of it eventually.

But I digress, as lovely as that story may or may not have been t'was not the one I wanted to be telling.

What I wanted to be telling you was the story of Tiff. Tiff who I do visit slightly more frequently and have on more than one occasion left a comment on her blog, but still don't have any expectation for her to know me or my blog, in any shape or form.

Tiff who tweeted me not long after the conference started, asking where I was in the room.

Feeling all kinds of special because this totally amazing woman wanted to know where I was, I responded with

Only now when I read it I want to face palm myself.
Naturally this was all before she had appeared on the blogging through adversity panel. Which I didn't really know about. I had kind of flicked over all those minor details regarding who was speaking when a few times but with so much going on minor details like that didn't really sink in to my somewhat dense at time brain.

When I realised what a tool I must of looked like, wondering whether a speaker was going to turn up or not I couldn't bring myself to face her. Why wouldn't she show up? Oh the shame of going to conference totally unaware of what was actually going on and who was speaking when.

What kind of try hard fraud was I?

As it turned out by the time the first session ended, my nervous coffee drinking habit, followed by a sudden desire to flush out my insides with water, meant my bladder felt like it was about to exceed it's limitations. (It didn't just in case you were wondering) Rushing off in the opposite direction everyone else in the bid to find the loo I soon began to fill my head with all kinds of nonsensical  notions.

The morning had so far gone less than I had planned and the reality I was facing myself with took a bit of adjusting to. The details of which are too much to include in this already essay length post. Suffice to say though I was not exactly being as kind to myself as I should have.

By the time I returned to the main area, fresh coffee in hand, my self esteem had become so battered and bruised I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. Let alone a brave woman about to take the stage and share her heartache, trials and tribulations with essentially a bunch of strangers on many levels.

Not that it actually mattered because by this time the next session was ready to get underway and all chances of interaction were suddenly removed from me.

I was so pleased as that meant a reprieve from the expectation of making conversation with people that I didn't know. Until I actually arrived the whole concept of actually interacting with these people had not found it's way inside my head. When it did I was overwhelmed with how to handle all of what was before me.

As I sat there listening to these women share how blogging has helped them get through some of their darkest hours and days, I started to cut myself some slack. After all, my life was suddenly becoming more appealing. If these women could get up and through each day after all life had thrown at them, then surely I could survive a two day conference?

Sometimes, when I write a post I find out that I have a lot to say. Too much in fact to say in one post. This is one of those posts. It all started when I went to share a few of the blogs I love for MTA's little linky. I wanted to share my love for the three bloggers who spoke on the blogging through adversity panel at the Digital Parents Conference I went to in March. It turned out there was much more than just love to be shared. Apologies if it was long winded, thanks for making it to the end.

What crazy thoughts have run through your head lately? 

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