Thursday, February 23

A Life of Lost Love

Recently when we were decluttering and clearing things out I came across my old journals and memoirs of a life gone by.  I have been holding on to them, waiting for the right time to turn them into something wonderful.  I made sure that there were left somewhere handy.  I want to think that the right time is soon.

Today as my littlest princess slept I dragged them out.  They are not all I thought they would be.  Perhaps there are some missing.  I doubt it though.  These pages have always been important to me, they are one of the few things that has always been where ever I am.  It has been years since I added to them though.

They reflect a life gone by.  The person I was.  In some places the person I thought I was going to be.  I am no longer that person and doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps this is where this funny feeling has come from?

I didn't bother reading through them all.  I just flicked through here and there.  Reminiscing of what I did many moons ago.  Some of them date back twenty years.  Twenty years!  Hard to believe I am really that old.  Strangely though they all fit into just one shoebox.  It doesn't quite seem right that twenty years of memories can be found in just one old shoe box. Of course there are many years where for what ever reason I did not write.

There is one common thread through all that I wrote though.  Love.  And all that it entails.  From a young teenage crush to first kisses and declarations of undying emotions.  So much angst, confusion and heartache.  I have never been one to enjoy being alone.  From an early age I felt that people belonged together.  Life is not a path we should have to walk alone.

It seems like all I was ever concerned about was finding someone to be with.  I cringed many times looking at all the names of those I thought I loved.  Those I wanted to love.  Those I wanted to love me.

Hubs is there.  We were childhood sweethearts you see.  I still remember the first day I ever laid eyes upon him.  I knew then and there I wanted to only ever be with him.  I was about twelve.

Only there were obstacles.  Lots of them at times.  Some were real and at the time unpassable.  Others were more based on interpretation or perspective and not really there at all.  Either way it took a while, a really long while in fact, for us to give our love a go.

We were too young to really know much about anything.  At least that is what we were told.  It was easier to listen rather than try and find out for ourselves. The first time round it did not work out so well.  He broke my heart.  Shattered it in fact, into a million little pieces.  Maybe even more.  I wondered if it would ever be whole again.  I cried a river of tears and wondered why the world was so cruel.

The Lord works in mysterious ways though.

With time comes hindsight, wisdom and age.  Combine them altogether and what was once a foggy, cloudy haze becomes a crystal clear reality.  I know now that I had to go through all that I did so that when we were given our second chance we wouldn't let it go.

I had to sail through muddy waters and choppy windy seas so that when the calmness lay before me I could walk through it all with ease.  All those frogs and toads along the way, helped me to find my prince of today.

Sure in some ways I wish that I could turn back the tides of time and write the perfect story for my life. The one that has me married before sex and a career before kids, but life isn't meant to be without a hitch or two.

I am thankful, truly deeply thankful for my life of lost love.  For all the boys and men and everything in between that I thought I loved.  That I thought I wanted to be with.  That I gave a little piece of my heart to in the hope of something wonderful.  For each and every one of them has helped me here today and here today I am blessed in every way.

Here today I know what true love really is.  Without an inkling of a doubt.  For that I am more than thankful.

What about you? What are you thankful for?

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