Today as my littlest princess slept I dragged them out. They are not all I thought they would be. Perhaps there are some missing. I doubt it though. These pages have always been important to me, they are one of the few things that has always been where ever I am. It has been years since I added to them though.
They reflect a life gone by. The person I was. In some places the person I thought I was going to be. I am no longer that person and doubt I ever will be. Perhaps this is where this funny feeling has come from?
I didn't bother reading through them all. I just flicked through here and there. Reminiscing of what I did many moons ago. Some of them date back twenty years. Twenty years! Hard to believe I am really that old. Strangely though they all fit into just one shoebox. It doesn't quite seem right that twenty years of memories can be found in just one old shoe box. Of course there are many years where for what ever reason I did not write.
There is one common thread through all that I wrote though. Love. And all that it entails. From a young teenage crush to first kisses and declarations of undying emotions. So much angst, confusion and heartache. I have never been one to enjoy being alone. From an early age I felt that people belonged together. Life is not a path we should have to walk alone.
It seems like all I was ever concerned about was finding someone to be with. I cringed many times looking at all the names of those I thought I loved. Those I wanted to love. Those I wanted to love me.
Hubs is there. We were childhood sweethearts you see. I still remember the first day I ever laid eyes upon him. I knew then and there I wanted to only ever be with him. I was about twelve.
Only there were obstacles. Lots of them at times. Some were real and at the time unpassable. Others were more based on interpretation or perspective and not really there at all. Either way it took a while, a really long while in fact, for us to give our love a go.
We were too young to really know much about anything. At least that is what we were told. It was easier to listen rather than try and find out for ourselves. The first time round it did not work out so well. He broke my heart. Shattered it in fact, into a million little pieces. Maybe even more. I wondered if it would ever be whole again. I cried a river of tears and wondered why the world was so cruel.
The Lord works in mysterious ways though.
With time comes hindsight, wisdom and age. Combine them altogether and what was once a foggy, cloudy haze becomes a crystal clear reality. I know now that I had to go through all that I did so that when we were given our second chance we wouldn't let it go.
I had to sail through muddy waters and choppy windy seas so that when the calmness lay before me I could walk through it all with ease. All those frogs and toads along the way, helped me to find my prince of today.
Sure in some ways I wish that I could turn back the tides of time and write the perfect story for my life. The one that has me married before sex and a career before kids, but life isn't meant to be without a hitch or two.
I am thankful, truly deeply thankful for my life of lost love. For all the boys and men and everything in between that I thought I loved. That I thought I wanted to be with. That I gave a little piece of my heart to in the hope of something wonderful. For each and every one of them has helped me here today and here today I am blessed in every way.
Here today I know what true love really is. Without an inkling of a doubt. For that I am more than thankful.
What about you? What are you thankful for?
Head on over to
and join in the joy that is
What a beautiful post! As you wrote, "Sure in some ways I wish that I could turn back the tides of time and write the perfect story for my life" I was thinking to myself "Oh, but it is the perfect story for your life because it is YOUR story that has crafted you into the person you are today"! I was just getting ahead in the story though, cause in different words that's what you ended up saying:) Thankyou for sharing your story - your love story :)ReplyDelete
Awe thanks Hayley. I just read your post as well, so so cute. I tried leaving a comment but not sure i it worked. I have trouble sometimes and get sent to spam :(Delete
I adore this post! Somewhere hidden away I has some teenage diaries that are cringeworthy also but that detail many of the ups and downs of those times. I must try and find them!ReplyDelete
Thanks Kate. It is a bit lovely reading through them, strange how some memories are so clear, feel like only yesterdayDelete
This was so beautifully written! Far out lately, you have just gone to a whole new level!ReplyDelete
I don't like looking at the things I wrote years ago when it comes to all the lost love. I guess I just feel embarresed, or disappointed that it wasnt always boatman.
But those things are important. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at them differently.
Awe shucks thanks Jess.Delete
I know what you mean and the shame/disappointment thing, I have that as well. I just keep telling myself that it shaped me so it's all good
You wrote this beautifully! Love it. Great post. I have my diaries stashed away some where.. they sound very familiar to yours!ReplyDelete
Thanks Loz. I am sure it is a pretty common story actuallyDelete
I had some diaries which on one level I am sorry I got rid of before we came to Australia - on another level I am glad I got rid of them - thanks for sharing today.ReplyDelete
Linking in through Thankful Thursday.
Love, hugs and positive energy.
Thanks, in some ways I wish I could just burn some pages but I think it is important sometime so be able to look at what you have been throughDelete
what a beautiful post - your love story sounds so perfect! It would be amazing to have so many years of journals to reflect on!ReplyDelete
Thanks Lyndal, it is perfect as far as I am concerned, at the end of the day I have the man of my dreams. It is lovely having so many years to look back on, though in some instances it is nothing more than a little scrap of paper rather than an actual journalDelete
I have a stack of notebooks going back thirty some odd years. Not as many as I could for that many years. I also had years that I didn't write. I think I just let life get in the way. I have declared that I won't do that again. I love writing, I am a writer, and writers write. It doesn't matter if they are published or not if they write, they are writers. I am determined to become published and declaring to write every day is part of the process for me. I have written every day since.ReplyDelete
Congratulations on the every day writing. Such a wonderful achievement and so true about just needing to write to be a writer. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you can't wait to read your bookDelete
I can relate! Cheers to second changes and the happy endings they bring!ReplyDelete
You can either hate the past or realise the lessons learned. I'm glad you've found the latter. Theres only two characters in my journals, Corey and God, but they are still pretty angsty! Teenage years are hard, really hard, but thankfully they don't last forever.;)ReplyDelete
Yes they sure can be tough at times.Delete
I have old hand written diaries too but they mainly consist of pages of me whinging. Not exactly riveting stuff. I'm glad you've got some nice memories as well as true love in your life now. xoReplyDelete
I look back and don't regret all the horrible people I put trust, faith and love in because as far as I was concerned, it was worth a shot and so I always tried. Admittedly sometimes too hard but then I was also treated badly by SO MANY TOADS. Today I am glad to have my prince. I can't wait to find my old letters/dairies, will be a great read - I have no idea which packing box they are in though :)ReplyDelete
Awww, I love that you married your high school sweetheart! Lots of diaries here too, seems to be a common theme amongst the bloggy community, I guess now we channel those thoughts into cyberspace!ReplyDelete
It's funny I have a complete folder of letters from a friend and she has kept all mine as well. They were hilarious at the time but I looked back at the recently and perhaps because more than 20 years has gone by, they just didn't seem as funny. I had big plans to turn them into something to but honestly thinking about it who would want to read them. Can't bring myself to get rid of them though.ReplyDelete
This is so beautifully written Rhi - your love shines through every word!ReplyDelete
I have all of my journals too. Although I don't read them anymore as they remind me of a place that I don't want to be anymore.ReplyDelete
I think that through the lost love, it teaches us what true love is when it comes along. Love that gives us butterflies, and makes us miss the hell out of them even when they are driving us up the wall!