Wednesday, February 22

I have this feeling...

A horrible, sinking sensation, right at the bottom of my stomach.  At least that is where it starts.  I can feel it slowly creeping up my chest and forming a lump in my throat.  If feels like fear.  Like there is something lurking for me just out of sight.

I don't know what it is and I don't know where it came from.  All I know is that it is here and I don't like it.  At all.  Not one little bit.

Sadly this is not the first time I have felt like this.  In fact in some ways it is an all too familiar feeling.  Yet it is also totally unknown.  I keep telling myself it will be alright.  Though not even I really believe that.  How can I when I don't even know what it is?

It's like there is some turmoil rolling around inside of me.  Something that shouldn't be the way that it is.  Something I need to change, or work out or perhaps just let go of?  Whatever it is I just can't place it or shake it for that matter.

I spent some time going through some old journals today, perhaps that is it.  There is much in my past I wish were not there.  Steps that were taken on the journey through adolescences to adulthood that I would rather not have taken.  A phase of life that I am glad to have passed.

The path that I took, the choices I made, I know they brought me to where I am today, but surely, I can't help but wonder if there weren't another way?  I love the life I have and all that it is.  I know that it is purely because of the things that I did, but there are some things I just wish weren't there.  There are somethings I just don't care to admit.

Alas though I must.