Tuesday, June 3

Excuse me while I wallow just a little. Or a lot.

As I sat waiting to see McDreamy the other day I decided to use my time wisely and start writing my #IBOT post for Tuesday. Even though I am having trouble fitting in adequate commenting I just can't fight the desire to join on in. I had made an agreement with myself earlier in the day to do so as long as I read an article or two for my current assignment.

Given that it is already over due (though I have kindly been granted an extension) I really need to just knuckle and down and do it. With hindsight I am wondering if returning to study right now really was one of my wisest moves. Live and learn I guess.

Truth be told I have been using a lot of hindsight of late to assess my decisions and just quietly it is not looking so great for most of them. Mind you it could also have something to do with the fact I am just beating particularly hard on myself today.

You see the post that I wrote at the doctor's didn't save. Well I guess a more accurate description is that I failed to save because failure is one of the few things I am good at doing at the moment.

Yesterday I ran my second City2Surf, just over 12km in distance. Though when I say run maybe a more apt description would be shuffle. I went a whole second slower than last year. A full twelve months longer at being a runner and I go a second slower.

It is hard for me not to call myself a loser.

I know that the scheme of things a whole second is not really here nor there. I should just be stoked for even making to the end. And I guess in some ways I am. But when it seems like everyone else is going faster and smashing through their PB's it is hard to be pleased with just finishing.

Mr Awesome snapped this as. Bless him.
This was at about the 9.5km mark.
I used every ounce of my being to make an effort to not look buggered as
I ran by them. 

I should have done better.

I could have done better if I had of trained a little more. Or at all really.

I should have trained more but it was easier to make weak excuses.

I work most afternoons and nights. I like to run of an evening. Getting up early in the morning is just too hard. Teapot doesn't ride her bike well enough and we no longer have a pram for her so running after school drop off is no longer an option either. Not to mention it is probably to hot then anyway.

Blah, blah, blah.

Eating a packet of chips most nights that I work probably hasn't helped much either. Nor the bottles of coke I drink to help me stay awake. But what is a bored girl to do?

Cue deep sighs and even more deep breaths and the hope that I don't hyperventilate.

Just between you and me right now I feel like I am floundering. Actually I feel completely overwhelmed and have just passed the point of drowning. If you and I were having this conversation in person, all of that would have been said with a f-bomb thrown in at least five times.

Only we aren't having this conversation in person because I am a person free zone at the moment and feel completely abandoned and alone.

Cue tears and more hyperventilation.

All of which I know to be ridiculous because there will probably be at least three people reading this who will wonder why I didn't call them or message them or something them. Till they remember that I am not really a calling or messaging type of person. I am a talk to you face to face type of person, or pour it all out here. Sadly there are no people near me any more to talk to in person.

Oh and while I am being a crybaby have I mentioned that based on some of Lovely's behaviours of late I am a relatively shit parent as well. She has lost all interest in school and following any direction I request of her just seems to go against her inner being. The joys of having a teenager.

Mind you apparently Zany's school work is leaving something to be desired as well. Given that when I picked her up today her teacher requested I make an appointment to see her to discuss her report. Joy of joys right there. I am relatively certain she is just trying to ease the pain of the report containing D's.

I know this because another parent from the class recently had to have the same discussion. I shall however save my thoughts on the grading system of the curriculum for another day. It is safe to say it is a conversation that involves quite a lot of swearing on my part.

For now though I am sure I have carried on more than enough. I must have done because I feel slightly more human and able to cope.

So please excuse me while I pick my bedraggled and sorry for myself ass up off the floor and quickly slap together something for the troops to have for dinner while I traipse off to work yet again.

For some other great posts though make sure you check out all the IBOT fun over at Essentially Jess



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