Monday, October 29

If you're happy and you know it...

Clap your hands?

Or at least let me in on your secret so I can join in because quite frankly right now happy seems like a distant memory.

Ok so maybe that was a slight exaggeration. But honestly, right here, right now, as I sit sweltering in front of my beloved Mac happy is the emotion I am least likely to use to describe how I am feeling. Unless of course it was opposite day or we lived in opposite land.

The rational side of my brain, or what is left of it, knows that things are not that bad. In fact it is the rational side that is saying yes sure write this post and even post it, but do it when people are not likely to read it. Because lets face it things have been a little bleak around here of late and I am sure whatever readership I may have has heard just about enough of my recent poor woes is me.

Lucky for me though I am firm believer in the whole this is my blog and I will cry if I want to. If you are one of those who has had it to the eye balls with current levels of whinging turn away now and come back tomorrow.

Tomorrow there will be a new post filled with hope and enthusiasm and the whole poor bugger me theme will be no where to be seen. Well unless you decide to scroll down to far, do so at your own peril.

October is a hard month.

The school holidays don't go for nearly long enough. One week is barely a break let alone enough time to recoup and gather enough strength to make it through the final ten weeks of the school year.

October is also the month where I had to say goodbye to my dad. Every time I see an old man I want to cry. Today as I stood at Leonard's waiting for easy way out of dinner I saw an old man walk past with a younger woman. She could have been his daughter, a friend even hired help, but you could see she cared for him. He wore shoes similar to what my dad did. Most old men up here do. By the time I got my chicken tears were gently rolling down my cheeks.

Silently and slowly. Much like they are now. God I miss him.

Of course the weather doesn't help either. The build up is certainly building up. Waiting for rain is much like waiting for Godot. Only worse, because waiting for rain leaves you with a salty stickiness on your skin. It is icky and yucky and hot. Really really hot. It makes everything so much harder to handle.

Like it is not already enough of a struggle.

Drained does not even begin to explain the empty hollow shell that I currently feel like. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is such a mission. If it weren't for the fact my too hard basket was already overflowing I would just put everything in it and go back to bed.

Bed and sleep feel like my only sanctuary. Of course not when it is night time though. They are solace I seek during the day. Or at least last week and possibly this week they are. I'll get back to you on next week.


  1. Oh Rhianna, sorry you are having such a hard time. October is done and dusted in a few short days, so I hope things start to look up for you. It's ok that you miss your dad, and it's ok that you cry silent tears. Enjoy your memories of him and look after yourself. Xxxxxxx

    1. Thanks lovely. There is just so much going on I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment. Writing helps so much, it is like my best friend in so many ways.

  2. It won't be long until October is gone and you will have a new month with new challenges to tackle ! Sending lots of big hugs to you !


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