24 Hours and counting

Well not really counting but that is how long it has been. Not surprisingly it has not gotten easier yet. I know that eventually it will, I sorta wish that was now though. Patience has never been a strong point.

We went to the funeral home today and began organising the service. It was a somewhat surreal experience and one I am glad I haven't previously been through and certainly one I hope I don't have to repeat any time soon.

Everything was quite fitting though. From the boney old man with the drawn out face to lounges with red velvet cushions and the dark wood finishing, there was no doubt as to where we were. Even the director fitted in perfectly with her black satin top and thin strand of pearls hanging loosely from her neck. Her soft voice with a slight English accent was soothing yet irritating at the same time. She failed however to give much direction. While I thought we were easily accommodating, I guess perhaps we were not really the ideally customers.

After all we had no idea of what was supposed to happen or what the choices were that needed to be made. In fact all we really know is that our father/husband had passed and we wanted to get him put to rest as soon as possible. About the only thing we could agree on was the fact we wanted it all over with as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately for us dad left no indication as to any wishes that he had towards the matter. Actually that is not entirely true. He had made it quite clear that he did not care one way or another what we did, after all, he was dead, what did it matter to him!

Every new begining comes from some other beginings end

So the day that in some ways I feel I have been waiting for most of my adult life finally arrived today. One would think that after all the anticipation I would have some idea of what it would be like, but of course I had none.

I have spent many hours trying to imagine what it would be like, only truth be told no one could really predict such things, well not unless they were psychic and sadly I am not. In fact I am far from it. None of the scenarios my mind had previously created for the event bared any resemblance to the way in which it finally occurred, other than of course the final out come. And to tell you the truth of all the days I thought it would happen, today wasn't even one of them. In fact only this morning I was chirping at how well he was doing.

For those yet to work out what I am rambling about I guess I best just come out and say it. My father passed away this afternoon.

It is still all a bit of a blur really, which I imagine is only to be expected. You may in fact be wondering why after only seven and a half hours of coming to terms with it all I am even here. For me it seems the most sensible place to be. Actually ever since it happened my mind has been spinning with words that would create this post. Naturally now though my previously full brain is now not much more than an empty nest.

So on that note I might leave it for now, rest assured though I will be back. There is still much to share, like how I will adjust to life without my father. My days pretty much revolved around seeing him. Helping my two precious daughters cope with their grief will not be easy. They may not understand the concept of death but they know how much it hurts to be told they will never see their grampa again. Part of me thinks that as much as I will gain strength from them both, I will need it to pass straight to them. Time will tell and thankfully with time all will heal.

I'm Back!

OMG!!! It has been like forever.
I can't remember when my last post was so obviously it was too long ago. I would like to say that in my absence from Blogger I have been productively sharing my insightful wisdom in other formats, but unfortunately that is not the case.

I did briefly dabble at Kidspot, however there was little with much substance and it was rather short lived. Having said that though, I do believe there was also the odd gem, here and there (if you are interested).

Reverting to old fashioned pen and paper was a novel idea, and even showed a limited increase of frequency. Yet it by no means cure my constant writer's block. Actually I don't think it is even really writer's block as I can always think of something to drivel about, if only I take the time to sit down and try.

My inability as a writer is largely, if not completely dependant on the fact that I rarely take the time to sit down and write. It is like I enjoy the notion of being a writer, but the effort, nah, not so much.

If I was the kind of person to make other excuses for my laziness and motivation I could come up with a thousand reasons as to what has prevented my from writing, busy life, mothering, schooling kids, and all the rest of it. Perhaps to a certain extent that is the case but really at the end of the day, excuses don't cut the mustard.

Any way enough of all of that for now. I have included some of my recent photos hope they take your fancy

A Writing Frenzy

Since I already have a few sites that I regularly neglected I decided to add a new one to the list. Though naturally I have every intention of not neglecting it.

A very old and dear friend sent me a link to a site called kidspot social. She thought that the members there could be within my readership target and I have to say I definitely agree. This site is great. I strongly recommend that as soon as you finish here you check it out.

Anyway within an hour of having my first post up there I had a comment! Regular readers would know that this kind of thing really means a lot to me. I need confirmation that I am being read or I feel no inspiration to write. which is just crazy as writing always makes me feel better and helps puts things in perspective.

So I now have another post ready to put up as soon as my eldest reaches the expiry of her computer time which I am thinking is right about now!

In keeping with the tradition of recent posts I had planned to include a photo but unfortunately my beloved stock.xchng is currently down. In all the years I have been using them though this is the first I can ever recall facing such a problem so I guess I can't really complain. I am sure there is somewhere else I could go but I really can't be bothered. Instead I give to you this yellow bird who frequents my back garden. I don't know why but it is heavily attracted to me dead tree.

Death

Not exactly a lighthearted topic and generally not something that dinner table conversation is privy to. In fact, there are not many times when death is a welcomed topic for discussion. For me death is often in the forefront of my mind and has been for as long as I can remember.

I guess I should take a moment to clarify a few minor details.

When I say that death is on the forefront of my mind I actually mean that one of my first thoughts everyday is I wonder if today is the day he will finally be put to rest. I refer of course to my father.

I can not really recall the first time I had such a thought and I must say that it is only in recent times that it has reached near daily appearances. Which when you consider his current state of health is not really surprising.

When I was younger I guess it would have been fair to say that I feared the answer. My father is much older than my mother. In fact my father's first born is actually two weeks older than my mother. Not understanding the complete workings of the world I just assumed that old people died and I my dad has always been older than most.

Now however I think the day that the answer becomes yes would be a relief.

Don't get me wrong I love my father more than words here could ever explain. Not seeing him every day will be hard to adjust to and there will be a huge hole in my life for a while when he does finally pass, but watching the pain and suffering he is currently enduring is worse.

I can not begin to explain what it is like. Watching the man I have idolised for life become decrepit and frail. The one person who I truly saw as unbeatable. A tower of strength and power that few would ever be able to attain, slowly, and painfully fading away and falling to pieces.

Photo credits to Dimitri Castrique who I found on stock.xchng after searching the term death

Getting ready to explode

I have decided that my struggle to write is based firmly on the fact that I am a bottler. I bottle everything up. Much easier to get it out the way then. By tightly jamming it all into a bottle there is no need to deal with the struggles that often comes with life.

Like most people of the world I try to avoid struggles at all cost. They can be painful, if not arduous. Unfortunately though hardships and tough times are sometimes an unavoidable aspect of living. They are thrown in our direction to test our strength and make us stronger.

Depending on the struggle and the person in question, as well as fifty thousand other variables, the difficulty may or may not be successfully overcome. In the instances where the battle is not won it is more often than not just bottled up. Or swept under the carpet. Pushed out the window and otherwise ignored.

Over the years this has worked well for me. When things get too hard or I don't want to deal with whatever of life's tussles I am faced with just ignore it. I am left oblivious to any negative outcomes and I continue to sail through my existence in a self created sea of semi false happiness.

As with any container continuously filled with explosive or pressurised material there comes a time when enough is enough. When the limits are reached and the already overflowing bottle can take no more.

I fear I am at that point. Ready to explode. Unable to stop all my enclosed struggles from breaking free and forcing themselves not only to be recognised but dealt with as well.

Today's photo credits go to Caetano Lacerda I found this shot after searching the word explosion on stock.xching

It is easier to just play games...

That is why I haven't been here, writing away, pouring out my heart and soul to an anonymous audience that may or may not actually exist. Instead I have once again been suckered into the realms of virtual card collecting at Pack Rat.

The creators, Alamofire, are truly ingenious. Especially now that they have worked out how to get people to pay for the pleasure of paying. Whether or not they are actually making a profit is another question and quite frankly not the point. I assume that these people are doing something that they love, are enjoying themselves and quite possibly getting paid for it. Which in my book is essentially living the dream, so well done Josh and crew.

Some times I blame my lack of motivation or drive on my parents, particularly my mother for making my life to easy for me. I never really remember having to try to hard to do anything. Nor do I recall ever struggling or not being able to have or get something. While we were by no means a 'rich' family I had enough to remain on the outskirts of cool. I certainly never went without any of the teenage necessities, however what I had was never quite just right.

Academically I made adequate grades. Enough to show promise but at the end of the day only slightly above average. With hindsight I see that I never really exerted or challenged myself. Peers would spend hours studying to achieve the same results I achieved in half the time. For some reason though I seemed to lack the ability to push myself to really shine. A feeling that is still current in my life. I seem to have an innate ability to just accept mediocrity, actually it is more than just accept. It is more like embracing the average. Near enough is more than good enough. Any where within a 5 km radius (or thereabouts) will do.

I guess by now you are wondering what my point is.

Don't worry so am I. Random tangents seem to be my specialty, unfortunately though I have no more to offer now. Some new cards have been released so I must bid you all adieu


PHOTO CREDITS
Today's photos caused me much angst in there insertion. I am still not completely happy with the way that they look but enough time has been wasted so am letting go and moving on.

The tiger is from my own personal collection while the African Pancake Tortoise comes from Penny Mathews who can be found at stock.xchng.com

I was searching for photos tagged with laziness, there were only a few, some bears and kittens and a lady floating on the water. (which I really loved but unfortunately had issues uploading, always next time I guess) It was the animal shots that reminded my of my very lazy tiger.

I'm a Winner!!!

Today I received an email telling me that I had just won second prize in an online competition.

As you can imagined I was more than impressed. I could hardly believe my eyes. So what was it all about I hear you ask? Well I recently signed up to a new site called Kree-ations. It is great for mothers, those that care about the environment or craft lovers.

Please go and have a look, who knows you could be the next winner

Three in a row

Well sort of.

I am not sure how much of a post this will actually be. At least I am trying though.

I have been struck be a severe case of the can't be's. Actually it is not really the can't be's.
It is more of a shut down. I am drained and tired and sick of the world and most of the crap that is in it.

Ok maybe that is a bit harsh but I am sure you know where I am coming from. I at near the end of another long day that really saw not much being accomplished. To top it off, this really long day is just another to add to the succession of long fruitless days I have been experiencing lately.

Last week I lost count of the number of people who told me that I seemed flat. Personally this perplexes me as flat is somethig I certainly am not. Slightly rounded with a squishy middle is a much more accurate description.

Thanks to mordoc for todays photo. Small prize for anyone who can guess where I got it from

Oh how things can change...

This post was supposed to start like this...

I'm Pumped!!
Tonight my basket ball managed to come within two points of not losing a game. Compared to the previous deficits of sometimes well over twenty this was a huge improvement

...However by the time my lovely little laptop decided to turn itself on and open a new document for me, I found my thoughts spiraling off into their own random tangents.
Rather than the planned discussion pouring forth my mind had more pressing matters which it wanted to contemplate.

Sitting here ready type out some inspirational piece based on the great high I am getting from being part of a team all I can actually think about is

I wonder if rings make fingers swell?
If red cars go faster do red fingernails make you type faster?
I wonder how many other people are aware of the fact that their nose and ears never stop growing?

And other such burning matters that really do not have much impact to reality at all...

Perhaps it is symbolic of my life. It feels like it is spiraling off in more than just random tangents. I am in dire need of direction, purpose and most of all a driving motivation. Stuck in a vortex of blind acceptance, I still manage to float through life based on the flow of whatever is going. There is no order, rhyme of reason.

Silver lining to all this I guess is that at least I managed a post for the second day running! (Mind you if I refer back to my original posting rules this would probably not pass as the word count is just under 200 but I am sticking with it being better than nothing!)
eds note: I took so long playing with the format of this post that it is now past midnight and therefore it has saved the date as the 25th but I assure you it is my second day in a row for posting

Many thanks to slafko for today's photo. I found this interesting image on stock.xchng.com after I pressed the randomizer button...nothing like living life on the edge hey?

Happy Birthday!!

So today is my 31st birthday.

Happy birthday to me. It is also my sister's birthday only she is 24. Having exhausted all possibilities at the toy shop my mum decided that a sister was the perfect present for my seventh birthday. As it turned out it was the best present in the whole world.

In the 24 years that we have shared our birthday, up until today, there has only been one other time when we have been apart. I hated it. My sister was over in England for her 19th. While it probably wasn't my worst birthday, (surprisingly that award goes to my 21st), it certainly won't be featuring in any best of editions either.

This year is pretty much the same. No complaints as such (apart from my sister's absence) but also not really what I would call great. There are times when the silver lining can become some what faint or tarnished and this was one of those times. I would like to point out though that I am not complaining as really all I wanted was to spend time with family and that happened so at the end of the day that is all that matters.

Anyway as seems to be happening a lot these days, this is a post that I started and failed to get to posting status in the one seating. Needless to say what ever my original point may have been, it is now lost. At least I got something out though!

Today's photo comes from banj0e who can be found on my fav photo site stock.xchng.com

Happy St Patricks Day

Alright I know that I am two days late but I have a very valid reason. While I am far from Irish, I still hold a deep respect for the potato loving leprechauns. The colour green is number three in my all time favourite colours list.

Anyway I can hear you all saying if "St Paddy's day really means so much to you why has it taken so long to post about it?" Well there are in fact a few possibilities. Allow me to enlighten you.

1. In true Irish spirit I got blind rotten drunk and it has taken this long for my delicate body to recover.
2. I am just incredibly slack
3. I have been suffering in a personal turmoil as St P Day resurrects some painful history that I do not know how to deal with. It just so happens that this is the 10 year anniversary.
4. All of the above plus a few others that have managed to escape my mind at this particular point in time.

There are two correct answers up there, can you work out which they are? Leave a comment and let me know.

Today's image come straight from woodsy He has a great collection of images that are worth checking out. I actually think I have stumbled across some of his work in previous searches, when time permits I will confirm which ones they are.

Problems

One of my biggest problems as a writer is that I have a tendency to write about things that are actually part of my life. Now this on itself is not really the problem as I believe that I have a way in sharing these things in an entertaining manner and there is generally something for everyone to walk away with.

My problem lies with my readership.

As I am still only in the developmental stages of becoming a break through writer I really should promote myself to family and friends. Which means I then become very wary about what I share within my random walls...Can you begin to see the problem now?


Ed's note: This post was actually posted on the 19th of March (more than a week after it was started!!
What kind of wanna be writer have we got here? )

100 Posts and a Change of Address

That's right ladies and gentlemen. A drum roll if you please. This is officially my one hundredth ramble. It has taken a little over a year but eventually I have reached a little milestone. Here's hoping that the next hundred come a little quicker :)

Anyway all this time I have actually been hosting my blog at rhiannasrandomrants, even though the header is Random Rambles. Well today I discovered that I can easily change it to be http://rhiannasrandomrambles.blogspot.com/ which I find very exciting. Of course this means that my existing links are not longer in existence. Which sorta bites a little bit. Perhaps I will have to do something about it.
Also my share button isn't working anyone have any suggestions?

A Busy Day

I bet you were thinking that after all the work I did here on the weekend, I would now go MIA, well let me shout all you non believers down! I am here baby and I am here to write!

Well actually I just wrote a great post about my little fairy friends and how they helped me out during the day.

I must say though on the whole it has been a fairly busy day despite it being one full of changes. Everything I went to do was canceled. I had back up plans however even they went astray at times. In the end all's well that ends well I guess.

Ok so maybe my little catch cry earlier that was I here to write was a little over extended. It really is passed my bed time and I have been highly productive so I am thinking rather than ramble on about nothing I might just leave it here.

I haven't done my linkreferral links today and it doesn't look like I will get them done. (well at least not tonight) I have however washed and folded well over three loads of washing, which deserves me a huge cheer as I hate washing with a passionate vengence. My post for today at the fairy garden was also a 700+ worder so that is also worthy of a bit of a back patting!


Thanks and credit for the photo goes to Nafrea from my very fav photo site stock.xchng.
Click here to view Nafrea's profile